Bad Advice Only

Razorblade out the diet part of the label from the peach and gorilla glue it to the lemon drink label.

I’m finding myself going in awful lot of new directions in life all of a sudden. At the same time I’ve began strategizing and announcing how I plan to go about reaching some pretty challenging goals that some seem to think is a bit over ambitious for a guy my age. How do I convince my skeptics that the 50s today are the new 30s?

 

Show them some live Springsteen preformances then tell them his age.

 

E,W and F is having memory trouble. How do we discreetly remind him to post his question asking for advice on this thread?

 

Hit him in the head with a stick.


I am tired of watching Basketball. What to do?

 

Buy a fifth of whiskey, a brick, and a sling shot. Turn on the TV this weekend, tune it to CBS, drink the whiskey and let nature take its course.

(Hey, a year late is better than not at all!)

My classic Mustang needs some more horsepower. What to do?

 

Buy a bigger bag of oats. That will supply horsepower and better gas emissions.

I can't find the ignition to start my cat. What shall I do?

 

Soak the interior in gasoline, light a match. I've found that usually ignites really well.

No one talks to me on Twitter. Any suggestions?

 

Take one F-150, empty bed, dump trash in, put tailgate down, find nearest interstate, 70 mph: No more trash.

I have a piece of pork stuck between a couple back teeth and flossing can't seem to get it out. What do I do?

 

Save it for a snack tomorrow

I need to drive my daughter-in-law to the hospital in Dublin rush hour traffic tomorrow morning. How do I make it bearable?

 

"Weird Al Yankovic's Greatest Hits" on endless tape loop.

I need to get to Canada in June. What do I do?

 

You don't. You go and see the BB contingent there.

I want a Payday bar but can't get one here. What do I do?

 

The same way you will get in: Plane or boat.

When I raise my right arm I get this strange shooting pain in my left leg. What should I do?

 

Start a massive e-mail campaign, saying you bought a warehouse full of these things, but you need some samples to show customs what is stored inside the locked and bonded facility. Promise the people if they send you 5 Payday bars, you will, at sometime in the future, send them 100.

Stay out of court.


My mother in law is coming for two weeks. What do I do ?

 

Move, leave no postal forwarding, have your wife send her a letter with no return address saying you've all been placed in witness protection.

Doc says I have to cut down on the cholesterol intake, but I love bacon. What to do?

 

Eat the bacon of course.

My wife and I just got new bicycles.

 

I like your advise better than his. :laugh:

Paint yours bright blue, her's bright pink, buy flags that are on a flex-pole at least eight feet high and fly 'em from the frame, get push-button bells for the handlebars and go screaming around the neighborhood at top speed shouting "Make a hole! Coming through! Outta the way!" at everyone you encounter on the sidewalk -- 'cause that's where you're supposed to ride.

My neighbor is complaining the 24-lb Maine coon cat we own is picking on his Rottweiler. What to do ... ?

 

Tell them Obamacare covers dog therapy.

My old Ford Truck is spewing green steam out of the defrost vents.