Bad Advice Only

Pour gasoline on it. Light a match. Walk away.

90 degrees today and I don't want to turn the air on yet. Suggestions?

 

Have your wife make a drink for you, with an umbrella in it. Then she can fan you with a giant leaf while you lie in a hammock - only don't tell her I suggested it. You might end up on my front porch for a month.

How can I alleviate stress at work?

 

Have you got a hammock? :laugh:

Every time you feel stressed, jump up on a desk and sin "The Happy Song" and continue until no longer stressed. Even when they tell you to stop, don't. Use costumes or props as emotionally led.

Our grandchildren love to come to visit, but every toy in the house is left on the floor when they leave. What to do?

 

Glue every toy to the ceiling, exactly above where it was on the floor. Then buy each of your grandkids a pogo stick

What's the best way to remove strands of food from between my teeth?

 

Stick to a liquid diet. Then you won't ever have strands of food between your teeth.

My daughter's car needs a new alternator. You have to disconnect the engine (true story!!) from the transmission and drop the backside down to get to the alternator. Any great ideas?

 

Oh baloney, no need to go to all that trouble, just use an oxy-acetylene torch and do some 'trimming' to get the room you need to change it out. Simple, really. Drop the transmission? Hogwash, whoever heard the like?

We've already four dogs, middle daughter has picked up a small (house/lap dog) very well behaved and needing a home and looking at me with puppy dog eyes to take this dog that I need like another hole in the head. What to do?

 

No problem. Take the dog. Then when the dog is fattened up a bit, cook it on the grille. That should squelch any future requests for pets.

How do I correct my son's behavior problems at school?

 

Next time, set the appliances out in the driveway with a note on one of them stating a general status of their operations capabilities currently, and that there is enough money hidden somewhere in the bowels of one of them to pay the bill.

Sprayed weed killer over the whole lawn yesterday and the weeds look like they enjoyed the shower. Any suggestions?

 

Next time use gasoline instead of weed killer. That'll get em'.

Dad burn honeysuckle pollen in the air is causing me to suffer like I had a bad head cold, what to do?

 

Sell everything, pack up and move to Arizona. Or the top of a mountain in western Colorado.

Wife's working today, yard work's finished (can't mow until tomorrow since I put the week killer down) ... bored! Any suggestions?

 

Put round up on all your grass.

I have to go to bed, but want to stay up.

 

Stay up, then. Call all the neighbors. Tell them you're having a 2 AM "come as you are right now" party. Supply the sodas and chips. Play music loudly.

I have an appointment today with a client who I already know doesn't want to be helped. How do I get rid of her?

 

Call her pusher, and set up a meeting, she'll forget all about you.

There's some mold in the attic, due to ice dams this winter, any suggestions?

 

Get plastic surgery making you resemble Charles Stanley. Walk into the church (after the bruises heal, of course), walk to Dr. Stanley's study, overpower him, tie him up in the closet, steal his sermon notes and deliver the message the following Sunday. What could go wrong?

My wife wants to build a house 20 miles south of here, out in the country.

 

Go ahead and build it for her. 20 miles isn't too far of a drive to visit her once in a while :laugh:


Thinking about a summer vacation for me and my 8 year old boy. Any ideas for a fun time?

 

Consult Clarke Griswald's travel agent. I'm sure he has something appropriate in mind.

Three days ago it was 90. Today it is 55. What can we do about that?

 

Depends. If you do as I would do -- an in-your-face victory dance complete with hoops, hollers and a rousing rendition of the "We Will Rock You" chorus -- be prepared to bed down in the garage for a few days.

Of course, if it was my wife, I would simply comfort her and say, "it's OK, dear."

The memory foam mattress has "lost its mind" -- any suggestions?