Duggars expecting child #19

Well, then I'd better be sure she says "yes'm" when she responds - and that she has my tea hot and ready in the morning! So THERE!

 

I have forbidden my 19 year old from going away to college unless it was a Christian college. Since she wants to major in art education, she ended up being at a local university. She is not allowed to move out because she's not ready to move out. She's not prepared mentally, emotionally or financially. I also just recently took all of her finances away from her since she was being irresponsible. She's 19 yet ran up her credit cards so, in order to protect her credit rating, I took away all of it from her debit and credit cards to her checkbook and have even set her up for direct deposit so she can't just cash her paycheck and spend it. We're going to be doing some homeschooling in finances AGAIN and be sure she understands how to deal with it and I will be the one to open each of her statements to be sure she's doing things correctly.

We will also prevent her from leaving home until she's married unless the situation is right. It makes no sense for her to leave home unless she has a job elsewhere but that is not something we need to worry about right now.

I'm seeing now just how abusive we are!

 

What am I enabling? My 19 year old daughter to grow up in a loving, protective environment? To be let go as she matures enough to handle it? Hey - I let my daughter drive 50 miles round trip to school. She wasn't allowed to do this when she first got her license because she wasn't ready. You know what? She had 2 accidents involving ice as she drove to the train station. She was not on the main highway but in a parking lot both times (two days in a row). But as she's become more experienced, she now doesn't take the train but drives. She's only had one accident since then and it was not her fault at all - she was rear-ended when she was stopped. If I had let her go right when she got her license, I think it would have been totally irresponsible of me as a parent.

Do you know that in Scripture, a child who is disobedient and disrespectful to his parents was to be stoned? And from my understanding, the term does not mean a small child but a teen/young adult. They were not considered fully "men" or "women" at that point in their life but still children under the authority of their parents. I do not see Scriptural support for having a child have to leave the home before they marry. I would pray that my daughters and my son will live at home until they marry. My husband and I did so and it was a blessing to have the full involvement of our families in our dating/wedding. If we did not live at home, they would not have been able to see character issues, caution us when they see something wrong, etc. We're doing the same thing with our daughter who is the first to date of our children. They hang out here in our own home - or his parent's home. Both sets of parents watch them and I can speak to my daughter if I see anything amiss (nothing so far) or anything I see commendable (a lot so far) from them being here. If they were a bit older and both in their own apartments, this would not be the case.

I don't think that children NEED to stay home after college but I do think it's wise and cost effective. I also think parents need to be prepared for that - especially in this economy - and they need to adjust their rules and thinking to accomodate and adult child who needs to be parented differently than a 13 year old.

 

No need to worry. She will be responsible for her finances again soon - and I will watch her for a time until I'm sure she's handling things fine on her own.

However, I'm not enabling her towards irresponsibility. She pays for her own car fully (you have a car? you pay for it), she is paying us back for the repair on her car when she slipped on ice, she didn't do well in her classes last semester and if she doesn't pick it up this semester, we will not pay for the private university - AND she will lose out on her dream to be an art teacher. She'll have to go to the local community college. We make her responsible for many things and I had allowed her to make a mistake with her finances but this is something that I can help her to get back on track. I would be abusive if I didn't help her in this because, obviously, we didn't train her well enough in this for her to understand debt and finances. She's now required to pay the $100 of her own money to take the Dave Ramsey course our church is offering - that is her "consequence" to what she's done. But she'll get all of this back - with additional training - and then she's on her own.

I do not see this as enabling whatsoever ESPECIALLY since we don't pay for anything but her college tuition (books, food, gas, insurance, clothing, treats, art supplies ALL come out of the money she makes from her two jobs).

 

I do believe she weans her children early so that her fertility can return. I knew a woman online and through her newsletters who also was quiverfull but she did ecological breastfeeding - feeding her baby on demand, sleeping with the baby so they could breastfeed through the night, and child-led weaning. Her babies were spaced from 2-3 years apart and she ended up with 10 children before her fertility ended. THAT is the true way to trust in God AND use His resources to make sure that our children and us are as healthy as possible.