What Would You Do? (Sensitive/Not family-friendly)

Jesus would offer grace.

 

It's a great time for your men and church to step up, and love the family, being firm, with candor and honesty, telling him how Jesus forgave each of you for sins.

The only issue that concerns me with him in this is the still partially blaming his wife part...I don't see him with said statement taking total responsibility for his actions...he may in time. The reactions and repercussions are unknown and that is a tough spot to be in.

- Peace

 

Scarlett has given some wise counsel. In addition to what she said, I see some huge red flags here that indicate to me that this man should NOT be allowed to be active in your church. I will explain:

1. The man was not up front with your church about WHY he was in prison. If he truly wanted to "start over" and be completely clean, he should have been completely honest and specifically asked the men in leadership to help keep him accountable from the very beginning.

2. Your post indicates that your church is "small." Typically, smaller churches do not have the experience and/or resources to help sex addicts AND THEY KNOW THIS. If he really wanted help, he would have sought out a bigger church with the means to help him stay accountable.

3. This is the real biggie, IMO. This man's victim is still very concerned about his behavior. Remember, she grew up in his home and witnessed exactly what kind of a person he was while the rest of the world looked up to him as a preacher and LEO. He deceived others at her expense. You said she is now in ministry. I FIRMLY BELIEVE that there is much more this man is concealing. If his dd is now in ministry and serving God, she would have peace about his behavior if he were indeed truly sorry. I speak from similar experience. She NEVER would have laid her wounds open to your pastor/church at such emotional risk to herself unless she is certain this man is still unrepentant/at risk of repeating the crime.

4. Him still blaming the ex-wife is the final nail in the coffin. As long as he's willing to blame someone else or make excuses, he's not truly repentant. Having his brother vouch for his character makes me wonder if there is no other men willing to do such! That's another red flag.

If this were happening in our church, my dh as the pastor would ask the person to find a bigger church with more security measures in place and more experience in helping men like him. My dh would take EVERY precaution to make sure the man is never alone with any women or children, and he would not be allowed to serve in ANY kind of leadership role of the church.

Edited to add--the other men of your church deserve to know about this in an up-front meeting before there's time for more gossip to spread.

 

I'm really surprised by the responses here. The man had no obligation to disclose his past sins to the church. Do you people require all prospective members to disclose all their past sins, or are you just worried about this one sin in particular?

It seems the man as conducted himself in an upright manner and hasn't placed himself in any situation where there could be trouble.

Love the man, love his family, and treat him like any other member.

(wow, imagine that...an IFBer understands that we should love and accept people better than non-IFBers)

 

A sin committed 20 years ago that has been paid for twice most surely should be addressed by grace. It was paid for by the man who went to prison. It was paid for by Christ once and for all.

As the pastor I would sit down with the family and discuss the issue. Help them work through any remaining issues and encourage the ongoing fruit in keeping with repentance.


Moses was a murderer. Abraham was a liar. Jacob was a scoundrel. Paul was a murderer. Peter denied Christ. Jonah rejected God's call and ran. I was a drunk fornicator.

This reminds me of a joke...It really isn't funny, but only because its true....

Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

Deborah: Female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

 

As long as a church is following proper procedures there's no reason that you need to know the past sin of any member.

It is as simple as the church body making sure that no person is alone at any time with a member of the opposite sex or a child. There should always be accountability in every situation. If a church follows this method they stop the predator that has been caught in the past as well as the predator that has never been caught.

 

This is not only the safest way it also avoids unnecessary embarrassment by singling someone out.

 

Would you expect a man that has had multiple affairs in the past to do the same thing?

Would you expect a man that was a thief to do the same thing?

 

The excuses don't matter, the sin does. So does the grace of God in dealing with each of these people, and each of us for that matter.

 

It's about proper accountability. It's also about the pastor being a shepherd to each member of his flock, regardless of their past.


We either believe that people become new creations in Christ or we don't.

 

The reality, he has paid for his crime, evidently forgive of his sin. End of story.

However also reality is the fact that most sex offenders offend again. This is true even among Christians I would guess.

A man that was in leadership was found to have been molesting his daughter - church, wife and friends forgave him. Number of years passed and he became a pastor - molested someone else's daughter.

Reality is, most of what has been said in the thread is true - one very hard problem to be sorted out by The Church.

I have written to a believer that is serving his 24 years for a sexual crime. He has earned two degrees, working on a third and expects to go into Christian counseling when he is released. What sort of reception will he receive?

 

I think the biggest mistake you made was getting all the deacons together to tell them about it. You're the pastor, the ostensible spiritual leader of the church, the deacons are largely lay leaders. Even if they were ordained it would be harmful to do this. You say your church is small, so what percentage are deacons - maybe 20% of the church population - so you immediately go and tell that many people about this? Now you've got a PR problem of your own making. Now all these deacons are running around trying to figure out what to do - why couldn't you do that on your own?

So lets review the facts - the guy committed a crime 20 years ago, evidently served a full sentence and has been out of prison for 6 years. Furthermore, by your own admission, he hasn't been hanging around kids since coming to your church. Chronic pedophiles are cultivators - they can't stay away from kids. Not only that he's married since leaving prison with two boys of his own.

And what do we not know. We don't know if 20 years ago he was a drug or alcohol addict. Drugs can make you do a lot of things. If drugs are no longer in the picture, then neither may be the sex crimes. We also don't know how old the girl was at the time. I would say its relevant to know whether she was 6 or 16. It would be relevant to know if he was ever even attracted to actual children.

But these are all facts that you as pastor could have and should have determined on your own before going and blabbing it all to the entire deacon body. You could have gone to this man on your own and said "Here is what I have been told by your daughter. Could I find out some more information about this." You could have also informed him that although you knew about it, you would not be divulging this to anyone else. If there were a current problem with him, it would be enough for him to know that you would be keeping an eye on him - why do you need the entire deacon body to do that???

Christ says if your brother is in sin go and confront him about it on your own, and only start going to other people if he doesn't confess and repent of it. You immediately went to a whole huge group of people for a sin committed 20 years ago!

You could have also talked further with his daughter, asking her point blank what she wanted you as his pastor to do about it. You could have asked her what she intended to do.

I have no idea how you can extricate yourself from the problem you yourself created. The fact that you're trying to get advice from people here shows you're in way over your head.