Please share some insight...

Good evening, it has been a few years since I posted on this forum. Since then, I have had multiple changes in my personal life and in my theology. A little background first: I was raised a Free Will Baptist and continue in essentially a FWB church. Five years ago, I announced my call to ministry and have essentially served as a functionally-equivalent bi-vocational assistant pastor. I teach the Wednesday Night Bible Study, and fill in from time to time. As a side note, I am unmarried and relatively young (26).

I come from what I would term as "gracious fundamentalists" and truly appreciate the foundation that was laid for me in this church. They have loved me and supported me through my childhood and early adulthood. However, two years ago, I began to privately break away from the less Biblical aspects of this tradition. It started with leaving KJVO in my private study. I began to read the NASB and I really studied (more than ever). That year, I read the NT three or four times, wisdom three times, and the OT through once. In the beginning of my third read through, The Lord opened my eyes to the reality of "Sovereign Election" which is the antithesis of what I have been raised in. Once I saw it, I could not unsee it. Then, from there, the particularities of Calvinistic Baptists settled in on me. I started listening to more expository preaching from men like John MacArthur. My personal reading was more influenced by this vein of thinking. So, I have become a closeted Calvinist at the old camp meeting so to speak.

Last year, I decided it was time to move. I needed to change jobs and move a few hours away for a few different reasons. One reason being that I needed to seek membership in a church that aligned with what I now believed. I applied for a really good job and was one of the few applicants interviewed, but did not get selected. I was devastated. I had anchored my entire future on that transition. I was foolish. So, I did not move and continued in the same job that I have now and have continued in the same church to this date.

Amidst the last year of this, I have felt spiritually drained. I did not make it easier on myself. I failed in commitment to my personal devotions. They were either superficial or non-existent. I allowed sin in my life, and made some serious mistakes publicly and privately. The worst of which I did privately confess to my pastor who was very gracious toward me. But for the past several months, I have felt hollowed out. My career is very demanding and is not compatible with even bi-vocational ministry. It has been a source of some of the trouble I think over the past few years. However, I feel as if I have came to a crossroads between ruin and renewal.

This realization came while working through my church’s annual Christmas Program. My character was an angel sent to a family who lost their vision and joy in Christ. In reality, I was the family. I had lost my vision and joy in Christ. I had been a bastard son to the Lord. The program convicted me, as my character led the family back to Christ the Lord, the Lord led me back to Him. I was hesitant to do the program because I have been so consumed with work. In all truth, I needed this more than I ever began to know when it started. It is possible that the Lord used this moment to change my trajectory in life.

In the week following the play, I witnessed firsthand the need for a well-equipped, holy, and godly minister of the Gospel as I helped minister in the community. As we went Christmas Caroling, I saw the truth of sin played out in human life. We visited those who had everything, but were poor beyond measure. We visited those who had nothing, and were not any poorer than those who had it all. We visited those who were above reproach and lived life out faithfully. I visited a man consumed with the grief of losing his wife that he and his home were in great disarray. He had turned to alcohol to numb his pain. I visited the nursing home where the absolute cost of sin is so noticeable. It was a week that convicted me to the core of my being that demonstrated to me that I have not lived in the path of my calling. I have lived out what was more convenient and popular instead of what I knew to be true.

A line in the Christmas Program, as my character ministered to the family without vision and joy, was to “be faithful in the gifts and callings that Christ has given you”. More than any other line, this tore into my heart. For I know, that I do possess gifts that come from the Lord Himself, and not my own ability. The Lord has blessed me as a leader and to be a person of vision. The Lord has blessed me with a mind to understand and to think and ponder. I can speak and write with clarity and eloquence. I am able to teach and to teach others. I have demonstrated that wonderfully in my career, but in this calling of ministry, I have simply failed. It occurred to me, that it is not that I do not use my gifts, but that I have applied them in the wrong ways. Not that the ways that I applied them were inherently bad, but that they were not used in the venue that the Lord had intended. I have seen it and now I can’t “unsee” it.

Now, on Christmas Eve, I set pondering what the next step of my life will be. I am awake spiritually in a way that I have not felt in a long time. I feel like the past few years are simply a result of my stubborn disobedience. I am aware that I have grievously failed in multiple ways. I am convinced of a few things:

1. I cannot continue to serve a church if my personal conduct does not match the standard of scripture. Nor can I for much longer, serve a church that I no longer align with. I love them, but I am unfaithful to Christ, myself, and them in this manner.

2. I cannot expect to faithfully serve in the manner that God had called me to do and work the job that I currently do. It requires too much of me, and I feel like I am inadequate at both if I try to do them both.

I welcome all commentary on this matter. I would really appreciate some advice and wise counsel. Here are some questions that I am currently entertaining:

1. Have I disqualified myself permanently from pastoral ministry?

2. If not, how should I move forward? I would want to further my theological education. I come from the folks who do not think it is necessary, but I know that it would definitely be helpful.

3. Regardless, how do I graciously leave a church that I love, but can no longer align with?

Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

 

All I can say is that I resisted this to the utmost since I was in college. I fought against this system of theology as much as I could. I read multiple defenses of Arminianism, and came to the conclusion that you cannot eliminate "God's Gracious Choice" or "predestination" from the pages of scripture. It is everywhere. I tried to convince myself in scripture of the false narrative of Calvinism and Sovereign Election. Election to salvation is not conditional or based on foreknowledge. It is God's choice.

I would say the "trouble" did begin when I moved away from King James Only. For the record, I am not opposed to the King James Version. I have several and use them regularly. However, I think it is foolish to insist that a translation made in 1611 is the only translation acceptable to use. I will admit that there are several today that are not faithful or as precise as they ought to be, but modern literal translations like the NASB, LSB, or ESV serve the church well. I have probably learned more and understood more in the last two years than in the previous 10 combined.

I also see the error and temptation to become an arrogant intellectual. But I equally see the error of continuing down a path of instruction and doctrine that is shallow and based on feeling rather than the text of scripture. Pastors and teachers must have some theological foundation to be faithful servants.

 

If you believe these aspects, then how do you articulate your beliefs?

 

How do you view the doctrine of election?

 

Thank you for your insight. It is much appreciated.