Dating

You may not like this answer.
Our recent pastor allowed supervised dating. A parent or a sister had to be along. No kissing, holding hands, zip until marriage.
At a previous church, you should have a chaperone no matter what your age.
At yet another one, I heard nothing given except stay pure until marriage.
Having three daughters, I like the first idea the best!
And it should go without saying that they should be of the same faith.
Gina
PS. One place I went (don't anymore) they'd actually throw rocks if a boy and girl stood too close! Ouch!

 

Q.,

I would like to make some suggestions. I cannot quote chapter and verse off the top of my head, but through experience, have learned the truths that i am going to tell you. So here they are:

1. Go on group dates with Godly Christian friends who are not afraid to keep you accountable. Do not go on dates by yourself and put yourself in a situation where you have to put your commitment to the test. It is good to say that you will remain a virgin untill marriage (and I commend you in your commitment to God on this), but don't tempt yourself needlessly.

2. I am not sure how old you are...but, according to your profile, you are called by God to be a pastor. You need to try to date girls who would be potential spouses in your future. You need to find a woman who WANTS to be a pastor's wife. She needs to understand that this isn't ussually a very easy life. You need to find someone who will not buckle under lots of pressure...because, believe me, the ministry can put just as much stresson the wife and the rest of the family as it can on you. You need to find someone who is contented even during the hard times.

3. At all times, when you are with your girlfriend, always keep a picture of Jesus watching your every move in your mind, your future congregation watching your every move in your mind, and her dad watching your every move in your mind. Treat her with the utmost respect...You will reap what you sow. If you sow respect, Godly love, then that is what you will reap.

Hope this helps,

Joseph

 

A good Christian group has a tendency to keep each other in check. I think what would be even better is to avoid being alone with a girl at any time. You sound like a very intelligent and proper young man, and I commend you of that. And, as you say, you want to be above reproach. No matter what you do or where you go, people are going to be watching you. They will make a judgment about Christians based on what they see you do. Whether this is right or wrong is immaterial, that has human nature. Keep 1 Thessalonians 5:22 in mind: Abstain from all appearance of evil.

Dave

 

Howdy,
First of all let me say that I do not believe that anyone has a set "seven step plan" for Godly dating. I believe that the Bible has laid out principles in His word in which He will guid you to an understanding of what He has for you personaly. By that I do not believe that you can do anything you like, only that the method will very from person to person, and from situation to situation.
For example:
My fater-in-law, before I could propose to his daughter, requested that I read the entire Bible (cover to cover) and do a report on every book (all 66) before he wuold o.k. our engagement. This was just one of the things that he asked me to do. There were many other things that I had to do before I could even write her. Things worked out, we are now married, have a beautiful one and a half year old daughter, and one due in July. Althouh this method was the one that God had in mind for us, it is probably not the same one he has in mind for you.
A few brief principles that were helpful to me were these:
1. Do not be unequally yoked
2. Honor your parents
3. Stay pure
4. Pray
5. Pray
6. Pray some more

Also, a book that I found extremly helpful (other than the Bible) was Josh Harris's "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". You should check it out.

Sage

 

I have a question of my own, and it may sound a little odd, but who says you have to date, right now or at 16 or at any age?
As far as "finding the right person" goes,
you would be much better off letting God
find that person. We can "think" we know someone,... He DOES.
I'm not saying don't date ever, or forget about the right girl. Its just that at you're
age you "could" feel obligated to date,period
because thats one of the "rites" of being a teen. Paul teaches that the ability to be, or
stay single is a gift. Not all can do it.
He said those that can't,let them marry.
Don't let you're being called to pastor let
you think you have to look for a potential
wife either. God knows you're need, & if &
when you'll need. Put it in his hands & you
CANNOT go wrong!
Just for refernce, help-meet is not a word.
Gen 2:18 says,"And the Lord God said, It is
not good that the man should be alone; I will
make him an help meet for him." In other words God made an help to meet his need, to
be complete.
Hope I've been a help & not a hindrence

 

I would suggest dating many different types of girls because only then will you know that you are truly interested in the girl you may one day marry. Some folks get married based on infatuation and they find out weeks, months or years into their marriage that their spouse doesn't really interest them. I don't see a problem with going on dates alone. Tempatation is always around, your character and faith will determine if you succumb.

 

Hey Q.

I just think that there is no reason to date at a young age. Many people do it "just for fun." I am 16, and I don't intend to date until I am old enough to get married. And then when I do date, I will let God choose who to date. I will need God to help me. My friend agrees that if someone does date, then they should go on a group date. This is just so you can stay away from the appearance of evil. I have read the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." This is a really good book. There are a lot of good pointers in it.

 

My advice is that is when you do decide to start make sure you are the one in charge. Someday you will have to be the head of your wife, as Christ is the head of the Church (Ephesians 5:22)

Its popular today to talk about "equality" in relationships, but that is not what the Bible teaches. Good luck.

 

Here we go again. Why would a Christian name themselves after "Also Sprach Zarathrusta," by Nietzsche, his ode to atheism. You call yourselves freethinkers, how about not so bright thinkers. It's called Zarathrusta not Zarathustra.

[ June 06, 2001: Message edited by: Will ]

 

I am back!!!! Okay here goes my two cents. First off i am 16 and not aloud to date but my mom said i could date if he is a godly christian young man. But i don't want to date until i go to college.. But if i was dating now or when i go to college I would have someone with me...like another adult couple maybe they could sit at a different table during dinner while you to talk..but they would be watching you. Something like that... cuz i believe when a teenager gets by themselves they do things they wouldn't do in public. So if you were by yourselves with a guy/girl you could do something you wouldn't do in a group....or with a chaperon so be careful if you are going to date alone. I saw that someone said about convictions and faith if you date alone. You could turn on you convictions once you are alone...The best christian can fall. So don't think that can't happen to you...cuz you are more prone to it happening to you or open...then anyone else. It is like saying i have convictions about drugs...but when you are alone or something peer pressure you probably will turn back on you convictions cuz you maybe said it will never happen to me. Never say Never

 

Rachel, when my son turns 16, he can date you... well, ok, maybe not, he's only 1. But, when he turns 16, I hope he finds someone as mature as you.

 

Wow...let me just say first of all, there is no way on earth I would go to a church that would actually lay down rules as to how people have to date, that is really wrong and not the position of the church, it is up to the person who is dating as well as the parent if the person is living under the parent's roof.

Ok...now that I got that off my chest. Here are some helpful suggestions. I don't think one must group date to be safe since if your going to do wrong, you'll find a way to do it no matter what, but group dating is ok depending on how open you are in talking with your date around others. Something to think about here, before you go out on a date with a girl it would be good to be open with her from the start as to what you believe and lay the "I don't want to dos" out on the table so that you both have an understanding of each other and where your moral convictions stand. Also, do brain thinkers on the date, in other words, do stuff together that doesn't always put you in a dark "romantic" situation but makes your brain think a bit like go do something outside that requires physical challange like rock climbing or some other sport. Also, talk about your spiritual beliefs on the date, this is really good because you find out exactly what the girl believes and how strongly she believes it. It is also good to have the date planned out prior to so that your not sitting going "Hmm, now what". While in the car, play your favorite christian music, its kind of hard to "hook up" when your listening to praise and worship.

Something important here too, and I know some if not many will disagree with me here but this is what I believe. I feel its actually dangerous to restrict any physical touch from each other on a date and this is why. The more you are close to the person you are attracted to the more intensifying the urge becomes and to restrain yourself to the point of no physical contact at all can actually make it so that the temptation is much worse. My suggestion is to limit yourself to such things as holding hands,and kissing. Petting is really hard to stop, I wouldn't suggest any petting at all because to me its way more tempting than even kissing.

Well, there are some thoughts for you. Hope they are somewhat helpful....in any case pray before each date and with your date that God will be glorified with your actions toward each other and that you will become friends first before anything serious.

Dar

 

Dar, I've noticed that you seem to be really opinionated on most forums, but most of your opinions don't match any principles from the Word of God. Where is your Scripture to support what you supposedly believe?

 

Joy, why does there always need to be scripture to back up ideas of dating? I wasn't giving facts about it, simply my own personal thoughts which need no scripture. I think God is pretty plain about our conduct in a dating situation but even he doesn't give any specific instructions on when, where or how to date but to glorify him in our actions and to stay pure and holy.

You may not agree with my thoughts and opinions, but that doesn't mean they are not matched up to what God says. Most of what I say is coming from me...alot of people communicate opinions and ideas with scripture and if I feel I need to I will, I just don't feel the need since I've seen alot of scriptures posted to proove the point I would be making. If I say "God says" then you bet your bottom dollar I will be giving scipture to back it up....but I can also communicate my own personal thoughts and convictions too. Thanks-dar

 

Someday, I will start dating . .. .

 

Originally posted by Joy2:
Dar, I've noticed that you seem to be really opinionated on most forums, but most of your opinions don't match any principles from the Word of God. Where is your Scripture to support what you supposedly believe?

My reply:
Firstly, this is in no way supporting "Dar"s posts, since I haven't read them all, but I'm going to go through his last one with Scripture and the common sense God has given me, and attempt to demonstrate that "Dar"s postings are not always unreasonable, particularly in this sample case.

"Dar" posted:
Wow...let me just say first of all, there is no way on earth I would go to a church that would actually lay down rules as to how people have to date, that is really wrong and not the position of the church, it is up to the person who is dating as well as the parent if the person is living under the parent's roof.

My reply:
Okay, dar has suggested it is not the churches role to suggest how people should date. I concur on this matter.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>1 Timothy 4:3 Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
we see Paul talking about people trying to control the process which would lead to marriage. They say, "Don't marry!" And effectively imply, "Don't date. Don't court. Don't betroth. Don't do anything that would lead to marriage." People that put controls like that on aren't necessarily doing it for good, but for control's sake only.

Dar also suggests that if you are living at home you should follow your parent's rules regarding dating. This makes sense to me in that the Bible clearly states to honour your parents. I would even go slightly further and suggest that if you don't have parental approval, you really need to seriously consider what you are doing with regards to dating/courting/betrothing/etc.

Dar posted:
I don't think one must group date to be safe since if your going to do wrong, you'll find a way to do it no matter what, but group dating is ok depending on how open you are in talking with your date around others.

My reply:
Suddenly because Dar doesn't whole heartedly support the notion of group dating as necessary, we have people jumping down his throat as unBiblical. Well, ! I don't see group dating in the Bible.

The only advantage I see to group dating, which can also be accomplished by sticking to public places, is the "people are watching me, I need to not go where I shouldn't go" factor. Sure we are to flee youthful lusts, but how you flee and avoid them can be different for each person, because each person has a different level of self-control.

Dar then suggests:
... lay ... out on the table ... your moral convictions.

My reply:
Surely there is nothing wrong with detailing "I don't want to go here, here, and here" in terms of moral conduct with a "date". Frankly, some people haven't thought about this, and putting this out on the table forces people to evaluate this very important issue.


Dar continues:
...Also, do brain thinkers on the date
...Also, talk about your spiritual beliefs

My reply:
Though good ideas, in practice, most women don't seem to want to do that sort of stuff in my experience. But again, do you have issue with these suggestions?

Dar suggests:
...While in the car, play your favorite christian music, its kind of hard to "hook up" when your listening to praise and worship.

My reply:
If possible, take public transit instead. It's too easy to hit the stop button. Especially, if SHE's the one that hits the stop button. I know public transit is a downer, but the time on the public transit gives you more conversation time, and hopefully that helps you getting to know the person.

Dar suggested:
Something important here too, and I know some if not many will disagree with me here but this is what I believe.

My reply:
First off, the guy puts a nice disclaimer on his sharing of beliefs, and BAM he gets blasted for not being biblical. What is it with this board?

Dar posted:
I feel its actually dangerous to restrict any physical touch from each other on a date and this is why. The more you are close to the person you are attracted to the more intensifying the urge becomes and to restrain yourself to the point of no physical contact at all can actually make it so that the temptation is much worse.

My reply:
"Don't think about purple elephants with pink polka dots!" -- Guess what you are going to think about? Hard limits only serve to increase temptation. Is this not logical?

Dar posted:
My suggestion is to limit yourself to such things as holding hands,and kissing. Petting is really hard to stop, I wouldn't suggest any petting at all because to me its way more tempting than even kissing.

My reply:
Is Dar's "unBiblical" post, and Joy's swipe at this (and other posts) and way of Joy suggesting petting is good?

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with holding hands. If we can shake hands, why not hold them?

Now, personally, the kissing thing I'm waivering on. If the ceremony ends with "You may kiss the bride" and you've already kissed her before, what good is that? But sheesh! If you kiss, are you condemned to hell, because it's unBiblical? I didn't think kissing was the unpardonable sin, if a sin at all.

I've personally being looking at the whole "sexual purity" thing, and frankly, most of the texts are technical. You probably could get away with no intercourse and still say you've kept the law. But I really do think the letter of the law kills, and it's the Spirit that gives life.

I find it awful that we judge fellow Christians on this sort of "grey" area.
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>
Romans 14:4 Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The only thing I would say is whatever anyone decides to do (either date, court, whatever) they need to be fully convinced and be doing it out of well thought out consideration.
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Romans 14:5b Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dar closed:
...in any case pray before each date and with your date that God will be glorified with your actions toward each other and that you will become friends first before anything serious.

My reply:
My word! He suggested prayer. Isn't that Biblical? And it was even a good suggestion for a prayer too. Wow!

Mark Tompsett
(mtompset@ican.net)