Teens, Sexual Purity Pledges & Marriage

With puberty occuring so early with youth these days and people getting married later and later in life, is making a pledge to wait for marriage for sex really realistic?

I am not a blazing liberal. I am one who believes fully in the biblical mandate for sex within marriage only.

How it must be so painful to be a youth these days. Make a pledge when you are 13, marry when you are 24...11 years of no sexual contact! For some teens they can do it...for most? I don't know.

Any others willing to go here with me on this one?

 

Hi YP Joe,

I am so glad that you didn't try to shoot me down on this one...So many want to. We can't get youth "Sex saved" You know, make a decision, sign a card and never sin again...are you kidding me? I would like to carry on this conversation with more people. But Joe, we are the minority on this one.

I do not believe promoting a condom lifestyle is the answer either...I would never recommend a condom to a kid.

The answer? Three-fold:
1. Help youth develop a heart for God.
2. Set up Christ-centered support systems.
3. Build a culture of GRACE for when they fail.

Sounds kind of like church, doesn't it?

Joe, are you a Youth Pastor? I have an interesting ministry. Check out my website... www.abstinencepastor.org

Let's expand and keep the conversation going!

God Bless you, Joe!

 

I have been camping for the last couple of days and I have not been able to get on line. Great responses! It is so good to read the commitments of the youth who responding.

I have been blessed to be an abstinence until marriage education consultant for the last 16 years. Across the country I am known as the Nation’s Abstinence Pastor. I want to assure everyone that I am a strong proponent for sexual abstinence/purity. I have been fighting groups who oppose sexual abstinence on a national level for years. Nobody believes in teens and their ability to trust God in this area more than I do.

I have been blessed to have received invitations from the US Congress and the Bush administration to lead youth leadership conferences.

I get questions all the time from those who would love to see us Christians go away, about why so many youth who sign sexual purity cards end up not keeping their pledge?

I hate to agree with them, but they are right. Most teens do not keep the pledge.

The power for righteous living isn’t in signing a card! The power is in Christ, greatly assisted by living in a Christian home and surrounding ourselves with those who are also seeking righteousness.

Many youth sign a card who are not Christian only to return to a sex-saturated culture where they are bombarded with sexual temptation.

All I want to say is that we need to re-examine the way we teach sexual purity. We really need to re-examine the way we do ministry. And what do we do for the youth who do not keep the pledge? The problem there is that we mostly never know because they are too embarrassed to tell us.

This conversation is stimulating and exciting. I hope it continues and we all continue to learn!

 

Great question!

It is happening all the time and often, because of our method of using huge youth rallies promoting sexual purity in the way we do evangelism events and getting the teens to sign purity cards. Like they can get “sex-saved” or something like that.

My fear...that youth are getting the idea that a relationship with Christ is about keeping a pledge to "fleshly perfection." Too often, we make Christianity into a performance issue rather than one of relationship and grace.

I am “pure” because of what Christ has done in me, not because of what I have or haven't done. Where it is my heart's true desire to glorify God through everything I think, say and do, there are times when I don't. Thank God, he still loves me and wants a relationship with me, anyway.

Too many teens are breaking the pledge and feeling like they have let God down. Of course, God doesn't want us to be hurt by our sin, but His view of us isn't dependant on our performance.

Sexual purity needs to be taught in a forum that is discipleship in nature, with believers, within the context of biblical teaching, obedience, accountability, encouragement and grace when we fail.

Where there will be a percentage of youth who will never have a sexual indiscretion, most will in some form. They need to know that they can come back to God, bringing to him their sin, knowing that he still loves them...that they still are pure.

There is no way that I can, or will, ever pledge that I will be perfect in any area of my flesh! I can, however, pledge that I will love the Lord with all my heart. That my goal each day is to glorify him in all I think, say and do. And if I don't that I will bring my sin to him for healing and restoration.

 

PastorSBC1303

Thanks for your input. It is rare to find another pastor on the youth forum!

I am very familiar with the studies your school nurse is referring to. As a prevention method, signing an abstinence pledge card is the most effective method we have for the prevention of teen pregnancy and STDs. In the context of a public school I can definitely see the benefit and I agree with her.

However, in the context of the church our goal really isn’t to present abstinence as a prevention method. We are talking about holy and righteous living…making a promise before God and our parents that we will achieve fleshly perfection in the area of our sexuality until marriage.

I think you know that I am in no way promoting promiscuity nor am I excusing it. I have been doing sexual purity and abstinence education for a very long time. There is a difference.

Personally, I don’t believe one can accomplish anything godly without the power of Christ. With that said, the power of living out a pure life isn’t in the pledge, it is in Christ.

I appreciate your school nurse and her commitment to teens. As far as a prevention method, she is exactly correct. However, as a motivation for purity and righteous living, a pledge card simply will not do. Only the power of Christ together with a teen’s participation in a Christ-centered culture, rich in grace for when we fall, is a teen’s only hope.

Again, thank you for your comments. Please, let’s keep talking and expand the conversation.

 

Sorry, pastorsbc1303

I didn't mean to be judgmental. I was not clear. Let me try again. It is rare to find a pastor, like you, who personally participates in youth sexual purity issues as a rule. I didn't mean to confine my comment to this forum. I meant “forum” in a general way...sorry.

Also, TatorTot, your point is valid, too!

My point isn't about the intensions of those who promote pledge cards. My point is that as I travel across the country speaking to teens, many of them are not keeping the pledge they made to God. And that is the sticking point…”to God.” When they fail, they are not coming back to us...We are loosing them to the teen clinics and the condom message.

When Christian programs using pledge cards in sexual purity conferences first came out I was 100% for them. Then, as my consulting business grew I began to discover that kids were not keeping the pledge and were going to teen clinics as a result.

Youth are very “concrete” in their thinking. Here’s an example. “If I am a virgin, God loves me and everything is cool. If I blow it and I am not a virgin anymore, maybe God doesn’t love me. I broke my pledge…I can’t go back and tell them at church. Well, I’m not a virgin anymore, maybe I need to learn how to use condoms and at least be safe.”

It is not our intensions as leaders that I am questioning. Nor am I saying that sexual purity is not attainable. Youth waiting for marriage for sex is attainable and many are doing it. Its just when we tie fleshly perfection to a promise to God, I believe, we are creating an emotional hurdle that those who might fail find it difficult to climb.

Please, I don't mean to be offensive. Believe it or not I can live with a pledge if we include some sort of grace statement that would point youth back to God and the church if they don't keep it. I do believe there is power in confessing righteousness out loud. Like a responsive reading in worship or asking people to quote scripture with you.

But there is a difference between that and signing a card pledging fleshly perfection.

Pastor, thank you for this discussion. I'll admit that I am not very good at expressing myself with a keyboard. I have at times wondered if I should even be addressing this subject in this fashion. The issue is so controversial. You are kind to do this with me.

By the way…Pastors and congregations love the way I handle my purity conferences with youth. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I think I am on the right track. In my conferences I absolutely challenge the teens to sexual purity. But I don’t use a pledge card. I help to create an atmosphere of Christ’s love and acceptance, even in the room right there asking teens to create small groups of encouragement. I tell them about the reality of temptation, but through the power of Christ and the group they form, along with their parents and church body, Christ, through them can accomplish this.

But I always add…That if in this or any area of our lives, we fail to reach our goal…we will bring our sin or failure to this group and to God. God’s opinion of us is not based on our performance, but what he did for us on the cross and in us at salvation.

There is hope and joy for teens that choose righteous living. There also is hope and grace for those who, although they have a desire to live righteously, have failed. We need to make sure that in our well-intended efforts to encourage them to live godly lives that we don't alienate those who might slip.

 

StefanM,

You are pure, not because of what you have done or haven’t done. You are pure because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross and in you when you received him. I understand completely how you feel.

It sounds like to me that you understand that we must teach the value of virginity. Those who are waiting until marriage for sex should be commended and encouraged, but so should those who have “slipped” and come back!

I am just as impressed with the teen who is willing to remain sexually faithful, “From this point forward,” as I am with one who is still a virgin! Both deserve praise.

If you have taken your indiscretions to the Lord, then thank him for his love and grace and move on my brother. You are forgiven! Hold your head up. God loves us all no matter who we are or what we have done. You are not impure! If you belong to Jesus, he has made you pure.

Now, go…each day surrender your all to him. How are you doing now? If you prefer, email me and answer privately.