Grandpa Jokes - A Notch Above Dad Jokes

[Many Dad Jokes have really lame word play or puns, but Grandpa Jokes raise the bar at least an inch higher.]

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic jam.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square.

Why are children’s piggy banks so wise?
They're filled with common cents.

What did the vet say to the cat?
How are you feline?

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
It's a faux pa.

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.

Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?
An iWitness.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.

[Older and bigger groan than simple Dad Jokes]

Jokes about poo are not my favorite.
But they are a solid #2.

Got home and found my kids had been on eBay all day.
If they’re still there tomorrow, I’ll have to lower the price.

I got all emotional when I saw my wife look at our marriage certificate.
The I realized she was searching for an expiration date.

Wondered why the sand on the beach was so wet.
Then I saw the seaweed.

I only get sick Monday through Friday.
Guess I have a weekend immune system.

Hate when my wife gets mad at me and calls me lazy.
It’s not like I did anything, right?

I was walking by a farm and saw a sign that said, “Duck, eggs”.
I thought that was an unnecessary comma . . . until it hit me.

Kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife said to throw them out.
I did, but now I don’t know what to do with all the tacos.

I wondered why the pupils are the last part of the body to stop working when you die.
Then I remembered they dilate.

Teresa asked me the other day where I secretly store so much candy.
I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

It seems that baseball umpires all appeared to be fat.
Then I recalled how much they liked to clean the plate.

I asked my friend Sam to sing me a song honoring my iPhone.
He thought a minute and then Samsung.

I have a contact lens problem.
Sadly, I don’t have contact lens solution.

NASA is starting a new mission to outer space to let aliens know we’re sorry for polluting space.
It’s call Apollo-G.

I was asked what pronouns does chocolate use?
Obviously Her/She.

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
In fact, if you try to use any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

My buddy’s been working out and he asked the trainer what machine he should use to attract the cute gals.
Trainer looked him over, then suggested the ATM.

I post Grandpa Jokes one day a month on my blog www.grif.net