daughter lives with boyfriend / comes home for Christmas

I second Bob on this one. I will pray for you Shannon and may God bless your prayers for them.

 

I third Bob on this one.

 

My house, my rules, either show respect, or enjoy paying at the motel.

 

Would you let them sleep together if they were a homosexual couple?

My home, my rules, as Ben W said. Shacking up is not acceptable behavior.

I too have "been around the bush", as you said. Be prepared to hear the accusation of "hypocrite". Hypocricy is "do as I say and not as I do"; experience is "do as I do and not as I did".

 

What Dr. B said.

I would, however, graciously offer to find them an affordable hotel room close to the house, and even offer to shuttle them around a little.

 

shannonL,

I have almost the exact same situation with my parents as well. I agree with the others here, it is wrong. We would go so far that we wouldn't allow our kids to spend the night in their house while my brother and his girlfriend are living together there.

Right now its one of my brothers and his girlfriend. In previous years it has been my sister and 2 separate boyfriends (at different times) and my other brother and his girlfriend..eventually the mother of his child who he cares for alone now.

Part of this is made easier for me to handle because I don't live in the same state as them, so we don't see each other all the time. I too avoid the discussion mostly, but only because now they know exactly where I stand and its not done much good to talk about it. They just agree with me and then go on.

There's not much you can do, except take a stand and be polite.

 

I do so hate you are having to go through this during Christmas Shannon. I do applaud the fact that you and your wife are trying to bring up 3 young girls in the right fashion though.

My family has a similar situation. My brother met someone online, decided to shack up for awhile with the girl and got her pregnant. She had the baby (which I dearly love now), they got married to "fix" the situation and were divorced less than a year later. As soon as his divorce was final he had already met someone else online of course and had moved her in the house. They finally got married after about five months and she has destroyed our relationship with my brother and my nephew. Not at any time during the shacking up period did we accept the situation. We tried to be polite to them but never would it be allowed in my mother's home nor my home.

Stand firm brother! Everyone has to give an account for themselves eventually and the Lord will be pleased with you for your willingness to serve Him and keeping His commandments.

 

As wih everyone else, my answer is simple: Not in my home!

 

I agree with everyone else, but I think the main reason is not your sister - it is your daughters. As parents it is our responsibility to provide an example to our children. What better way than to lovingly but firmly show that this is not acceptable behavior! And by loving your sister and doing anything else for her, you show an example of what we mean by "hate the sin but love the sinner."

 

Shannon, I have six children. Their dad left us in 1991 when the youngest was six and the oldest was 17. The shock and pain is still reverberating through their lives in some ways. I say this to add that I was then the sole decision-maker and example they had in their lives as a parent (dad never looked back and never kept up with anything, even surgeries).

Because I held the line with basic morality, I 'lost' four of the six at various times. My oldest only rebelled for about 20 minutes in high school and my youngest had encephalitis when he was three and so is profoundly retarded.

Then there were the middle four.

#2 son I kicked out for stealing my last $60 which was for food when he was 18. He is 29 now and just got out of jail and is in a Christian half-way house. He calls home frequently now to tell us he is doing well and reading the Bible a lot. His voice sounds clearer and more alive than he has sounded in years. I think he is going to make it and I will get this one back.

#1 daughter left in a rage at about 18 when I told her that her 'new language and way of dress' was really not terribly modest and embarrassed me. Five years later she landed in our driveway a week before Christmas to rage at me again and tell me how awful I was and after about an hour and a half came in for dinner, helped with the tree decorations, and we are now as close as a mother and daughter can be. In the following weeks she apologized a number of times for her earlier behavior. She is 26 and married and a strong and determined young lady. She is a Christian now for sure.

#3 son I have not heard from for two years. He is 23 now and having an 'independent' streak. He knows exactly where I -- and now we -- stand and also knows we love him and would welcome him home in a heartbeat. I have no idea what his lifestyle involves right now.

#2 daughter was kicked out of Bible college for lying cheating, and stealing 1 1/2 years ago after years of rebellion and then a teenage 'conversion' to Christianity. She is 21 now, still refusing to talk to us, but at least working full time and taking responsibility for herself and seeing my brother's family.

I don't know if these last two will 'come back.' All four of them are adopted and all four have had mountains to climb. But if a parent does not hold up the standards, who is going to? If I did not care enough about them to say that what they were doing was wrong when it came to that (and yes, they got plenty of praise for the right stuff through their years with us), then who would care enough?

I could not let fear of losing them stop me from holding the line on basic morality and modesty (in the case of #1 daughter). It is heart-wrenching to 'lose' a child that way, but it would be far, far worse to lose them permanently to the world because I could not hold up a standard and so they thought that such behavior was just fine and acceptable.

I look at how many of the people He created and has loved that our Lord has lost and I can only guess the heartbreak He has gone through. But if we are to be followers of Him, then we also must be willing to lose some of those we love to the world, hopefully only for a time, like the prodigal son.

But if we don't act like the followers of Christ which we claim to be, what then? I'm not even talking about legalistic stuff here. I'm talking about basic morality and ethics -- stuff even the world acknowledges as right!

 

Helen covered it all.

Just one brief addition. Do not give in to your kids to try to keep them "loving" you. It will backfire in the other direction.

 

"My parents are both saved individuals who have been faithful their whole lives to the Lord."
I hate to be the one to say this... If this was the case, there would be no question.

 

My house my rules, no matter anyones age. They'd sleep apart. No questions, abide by rules, or stay in a hotel, or stay home.

 

Most of the time rebellious kids come from legalistic or liberal homes. Most homes which have a balance of grace and discipline seldom have many problems.

I think what your parents do is none of your business. It is their home not yours. You are sticking your nose in where it does not belong. You need to make sure you keep your nose clean and love your sisters and their boyfriends. Sometimes by sticking your nose in you might win the argument appearing little miss holier than thou but lose the war creating a closed door.

The real issue is not the sin but their righteousness. They are not right with God. Your job is to help get them to the point where they become right with God. When they are right with God their sin will be illuminated.

It is highly doubtful that you will win them by imposing your moral standards upon them. At this time they do not accept your values. So what could you do to win them? The best thing to do is to love them and pray for opportunity to serve them and then give them the gospel as God opens the door of their heart. Over the past 32 years I have won almost my entire family and relatives to Christ over a long period of time. For years we have prayed for them. I have seen entire families come to Christ all at once. A few years ago I saw my mother in law come to Christ. Recently my sister and her husband her kids and their spouses came to Christ within a very short amount of time. One by one I have had opportunities to talk. Some in person and other over the phone. Recently one of my cousins had the opportunity to talk with another cousin who expressed how she sees us as different. .

Of course they need to get right with God but if you were given one opportunity by God to get them to see Jesus what would you do? I seriously doubt it would be what you are asking about.

You need to be gentle with them. Be glad that you have an encounter with them. Be glad that God has given you the time with them and the opportunity he is giving you to share the time with them. You may have to swallow some pride and accept them the way they are. Pray for the opportunity God will give as He works.

Their sin is no different than anyone else in the world. When they get right with God their sin will stare them in the face. Until that time there is probably little you can say about that and won't make them mad. When you get them mad they will probably not listen to you. People do not care about how much you know until they know how much you care.

Before you see them, read 1 Cor. 13 and apply that portion of scripture. Earnestly pray for them. When you do God will give you wisdom and a love for them that even you will be shocked at.

Don't let their sin get in the way of you pointing them to the savior--Jesus. He is our salvation. He is our hope and joy. He is what we live and die for.

Notice how Jesus dealt with the woman caught in adultery and compare that with the religious people of the day-–the Pharisees.

John 8:3-15 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. "Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." So the Pharisees said to Him, "You are testifying about Yourself; Your testimony is not true." Jesus answered and said to them, "Even if I testify about Myself, My testimony is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going; but you do not know where I come from or where I am going. "You judge according to the flesh; I am not judging anyone.

John 3:17, “ "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”

 

That was good gb, seems a wise way to look at it.

 

I think gb gives a very good look at the situation.

Our natural human response to these situations is "My house, my rules" etc. Yet I think gb challenges us to look at what is the proper response for a believer in these types of situations.

I would encourage shannonL to give some attention to his words of advice.