14 year old dating an 18 year old. Please read.

Personally, I don't care what her grandparents think. They are immoral infidels who obviously don't care about the well being of the girl. If this is illegal in your state, and you really want to do something about it, I would call the police and inform them and DHS about what is going on with the 18 year old pedophile and the grandparents who are allowing it to happen. Just be sure that you don't make any accusations that you cannot substantially back up with evidence.

Your family will be mad at you. The niece will probably be mad at you. But, at least you will be able to live with yourself knowing you did everything you could do to protect this child.

Joseph Botwinick

 

David, you have done what you can do. It is really, really hard, I know. I have a nephew who converted to Mormonism and married a Mormon girl and his mother, my sister (United Methodist) sees nothing wrong with it. Criminy, the girl is not even a good Mormon as they don't want children! Go figure...

We refused to attend the wedding, which made us the bad guys right off.

All we have been able to do is be friendly, and be available. Like you, we tried to warn those involved at the beginning and it fell on deaf ears. We are the intolerant fundamentalists...

Pray for them. You are very, very right about a girl her age in no way being ready to date, let alone an 18 year old guy. There is a GIANT age difference there at that age. God bless you for trying.

edit: read your post again. You helped raise her. She loves and trusts you, I would think. Talk to her quietly and offer your love and guidance again. Tell her the MINUTE he starts to pressure her that she is welcome to call you and you will come get her no matter where she is or how far away or anything. Let her know you are there for her. I think she will listen. The thing a teenage girl wants most in this world is affirmation by an adult male. That just might be you now. God bless you.

 

When my brother was 18 he was dating a 14 year old.

My cousin was 20 dating a 15 year old.

Neither my brother, nor my cousin had sex or tried to have sex with these girls.

My g-grandfather was 24 when he married my g-grandmother, 2 days after she turned 15.

All I know of this situation is what you have stated, but it seems to me that you are jumping to conclusions that you can not substantiate. You do not know that this young fellow only has aspirations for your niece in order to have sex with her. You say they are in the same youth group at church. That tells me that he is probably not like "all the rest" of those age boys. I know I wasn't like most 18 year olds.

Dating someone at that age is not a crime. Having sex with them is. You can not report a crime where one has not been committed.

Until you know with certainty that an actual crime is taking place, then you should let them know how you feel, in a loving way, and then butt out. You have to remember that no matter how you feel about the situation, you are not her parent, and you are not her legal guardian. You can not cast this girl in the same mold as her parents. You can not say, "well, her parents slept around, so she will too". Life doesn't always work like we think it will.

There may actually be a connection between these two young people, and they may even get married someday.

I don't see much wrong with it, so long as the young man's intentions are honorable, and they are not sleeping around.

I would hate to be the cause of someone's losing their one true love, if that's what this is.

BTW, I don't see anywhere in scripture where age is applied to morality. Your definition of morality, in this case saying it is immoral for a 14 and 18 year old to date, does not coincide with the bible, nor does it coincide with what was deemed appropraite by society before about 40 years ago. This would neither have been uncommon nor looked down upon before about 1970.

 

Most 18 year olds are immature and so are most 14 year olds. But there are many who are older than 50 who still need to grow up.

If one looks at the culture during the time of the NT it wouldn't be long and that girl would be married to a much older man. Some writers believe it was a man who was in his late 20s or early 30s.

Everyone needs to help and suport of family members. When I was much younger I grew up in a home which we called "hell on earth." So for me it was vital that I meet some families who lived the Christians life. As I dated young ladies I often met their parents. I learned a lot from those parents. For the first time in my life I saw Christinanty in action. The parents of one lady I dated took me places, treated me great and taught me many things and I became good friends with their son. For the first time I saw a man treat his wife as a lady should be treated.

Christian families have a lot to offer others if they will just look past the veneer of what may seem rough.

 

I have to agree with Bro. Reed. I'm 17 almost 18 and saw a couple of movies with a girl that had just turned 15 this past summer! We had fun. I wasn't out to use her. We had fun just hanging out. We were careful not to put ourselves in any situation where rumors could get started. If they do the same you never know they may end up married one day.

 

David,

Have a talk with the pastor.

Tell grandma and aunt to get a life.

Have a talk with the young man and lay down the LAW.

If he cannot wait 3 - 4 years to date her on her, then he needs to move on. If he cares about her, then he can be a MAN and take a CHANCE and wait 3 - 4 years for her to grow up. If he cannot lead as a MAN, then he is the wrong man for her.

 

Yes you did . . . that was sad.

 

Bro. Nate,

many of these folks would call you a pedophile and have you locked up for what you did.

I just don't get it.

Maybe I'm just too young to know better, or maybe I'm just not so disgusted with society that I see every person, young people in particular, as monsters who are out to have as much sex as they can.

I wonder how many of these folks wouldn't be here if mommy and daddy, or grandma and grandpa, had been prevented from dating because they were too far apart in age.

I know that I wouldn't be here and it saddens me that most here would consider my great grandfather a pedophile, worthy of prison, and in some cases execution, just because he loved my g-grandmother when she was young. They married in 1920, he at age 24 and she at barely 15, and were happily married for 42 years until his death in 1962. Their marriage produced 16 children, my grandfather being the 2nd.

I agree that in many cases, if not most, a 14 year old girl today is not mature enough to handle such a situation properly, but that does not negate the fact that many at that age certainly are mature, and many even more so than older "girls" in their 20's, 30's, and 40's.

I work with several women who act like teenagers. Should they be discouraged, and even threatened, for dating a mature man?

You all talk about 14 and 18 like it is a 20 year age difference. Would you be so set against this if it was a 21 year old dating a 17 year old? Or a 22 year old dating an 18 year old? What if it was only a 3 year difference?

Should a set number of years, months, or days in age difference matter?

I would be more apt to agree if this were a topic regarding whether a 14 yr. old should be allowed to date at all, no matter the person, but this is all about some arbitrary number which really was relegated by the government and has nothing whatever to do with real life.

You can not put all of these situations in one box and expect them all to fit. Life just doesn't work that way.

 

Wheww hoo! No wonder they got mad at you if you were as arrogant in person as you sound in your post!

That old saying that you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar is true!

Now you say that you are this child's uncle but you don't speak of either her father or mother as being YOUR sibling. If you are an inlaw, you just broke a cardinal rule. Inlaws are not allowed to be authoritative and demand anything from "the family"! You'd have gotten run off out the door if you'd talked to me the way you sounded in your post. I wouldn't have even bothered arguing with you.

Now as for the topic, I be much more concerned that my 14 year old was even dating, than who she was dating.(My oldest is 13) Dating is not allowed in my house until 16. (There isn't even an arguement about this, this rule has been spelled out since she was old enough to ask questions about man and woman)

Now we must define dating. Dating in this house means boy and girl with no chaperone. Properly chaperoned youth group activities, visits in MY home and activities where either myself or my husband or certain other individuals who I know will uphold my wishes are present, are not considered dating. Any young man who can't abide by my rules isn't even allowed to call her on the telephone(caller ID is worth the money). I already have a reputation as being the mother you don't want to mess with at my daughter's school. Instead of thinking that I'm terribly overbearing and strict, my daughter thinks(correctly) that this is all for her protection.

I would never accuse my daughter of sexual activity just because she likes a boy older than herself. If there were such(the oldest yet has been 16) he would be subject to the same rules as any other boy. My rules are set up to allow them as much freedom as possible to talk, watch movies, go to the mall(properly chaperoned of course and that doesn't mean I sit in the middle of the mall and wait), play video games and whatever else kids do to keep themselves busy, while at the same time precluding enough privacy for sexual activity.(hard to have sex if mama is watching) My daughter has a very clear understanding of why we have these rules, what God has to say about sexual activity, what sexual activity really is, and just what can happen if she disregards the rules.

It is simply not enough to rant and rave that this young man is not good enough for your niece, to say look what happened to her parents and to say she is ruining her reputation. It is very insulting to her and those who are directly raising her to call her immature, to take her health concerns out of context and to imply that all she could be to this young man is a sex toy(as though she isn't good/smart enough to be anything else). Not to mention that this isn't showing Christlike love to this socalled "redneck pedophile". He may simply be a public school educated young man from an underprivledge background.

You'll never know cause it seems you've already burned your bridges with him. Have you even talked to him? Or were you so incensed that he was invited to a "family" event as your niece's "date", that you formed you opinion without ever finding out anything about him?(this one is my pick because your biggest complaint is that he is 18, and you haven't shown just why you think he's a redneck)

If you are really concerned about your niece then you need to make the time to get involved in her life and know what is going on. When she brings home a young man, get to know him! Don't simply assume he is out for sex. A good many young men are, but it is not fair to assume EVERY young man she likes is. On top of that, give your niece some credit, given sufficient love and encouragement she will be capable of making these decisions. But if you simply assume you know what's best for her life and she is to young, immature, misguided or whatever to learn to make these decisions and try making these them for her, you will end up alienating her and then she will completely disregard your opinions out of hand. Now is when she SHOULD be learning to deal with the opposite sex and it is impossible to protect her from every bad thing that comes along. Instead teaching her to deal with things in a way that is honoring to God will stay with her a lot longer (take this from someone who had a mother as arrogant and controling as your OP make you seem)

One more comment and this lecture is over(if you've even made it this far): BEING A REDNECK IS NOT A SIN! NOR DOES IT CONSTRUE MORE SIN IN ONES LIFE THAN ANY OTHER CULTURAL GROUP!

I come from a long line of so called "rednecks". We were no more sinful than my Yankee relatives on the other side of my family.(redneck mother, yankee father) There was plenty of sin to go around for all. So just because this kid speaks in less than cultured tones and hangs a rebel flag in the back of his pickup along with his deer rifle, it DOES NOT mean he only sees your niece as a sex toy! You should be ashamed for even thinking so without more proof than you have presented here.

 

DavidJ,
I just prayed for you Bro, may the Lords will be done.

 

Considering that both her parents have abandoned the girl in question, I think it is really great that she is going to church and the youth group. Praise the Lord that she has turned to God rather than the world. Imagine what it would feel like to be abandoned by your own parents.

 

Like I said, you have an arrogant attitude. I won't waste my time.

 

Oh yes, and I'm a woman!