My personal opinion is that she is not safe because she holds aberrant theology, and she only wants to be in "spaces" where she can rant and rave against those who are complementarians. She wrote a book while on a podcast with 2 guys, and at the time she was a complementarian. Her book is rabidly feminist, and they stopped her involvement on the podcast. She went ballistic.
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Mike and I just did a video discussing the latest action in the Southern Baptist Church, disfellowshipping churches from the denomination who have women in any pastoral roles. A couple people commented that we were too smug in the video. Man, the last thing I want to be is smug. And in thinking about it, trying to do some self-examination on that critique, I’m ashamed to say I was smug. But not because I think we should have been more gracious. I was smug because I was holding back on my anger, and frankly fear.
I know who pays for complementarian theology. I have been behind the curtain. I used to think, okay, some people abuse this theology of benevolent male leadership. I even thought I was in a good church who cared about women. Who wanted our contributions. Who would shepherd me and protect me. I believed in complementarian theology. But the reality is that the woman’s voice is managed. And it is suspect, not trusted on its own. Her voice needs to be validated by a man’s. And it better not challenge a man’s. The female voice is to constantly admire the man’s. See him up there in front. She will not be able to speak God’s word here. Or serve his body and blood. Or pray for her brothers and sisters. Or bless them as they go out into the world again.
I accepted all this before. Thought it was biblical, even. But there was nothing biblical about how I was treated by leaders in my own denomination. There was nothing biblical about the whole process addressing it: being made to “Mathew 18” with an elder, to endure his gaslighting, minimizing, turning on me; to exchange my own voice for male “protection;” to be mocked and slandered in official ecclesial meetings, all the men playing lawyer while a sister is neglected care; to go through two years of this process for the most reductive, minimizing outcome that protected…male power.
And sadly, it took my own battering to be able to see that it wasn’t merely bad apples who have harmed the many, many others. Sure, there are bad apples who take advantage of this complementarian theology. And there are good men and women in the system. It’s what makes it so hard to leave. And there are the many silent observers galavanting around, not looking at the damage. Look, I can separate the good, bad, and the ugly within complementarian churches. And I want to love them all well as brothers and sisters.
And to be clear, I am a stain to these people. So many in the Reformed churches won’t get near me. It would be a leprosy to their careers. Old friends ghosted me. Ones that I thought were the “good ones” in complementarian theology. I’ve been disinvited, blacklisted, treated like a disease that you only whisper about. For what? Asking for help and then saying what happened to me? For leaving the very spaces I was no longer welcome? And then examining how this theology, this movement of complementarianism, led to it all? And then I really crossed the line; I accepted an invitation to preach.
Some brave and loving souls who pastor complementarian churches have encouraged me. Publicly, even. But I have found that they are the anomaly, not the bad apples. Do we look for the anomalies?
I can’t do it. I can’t walk into these churches. My whole body screams from my gut and my veins and my bones that I am not safe there. And it isn’t only the OPC. Or the PCA. Or the SBC. It’s the core of complementarian theology. This will keep happening. It isn’t good for the men either. To be this way. To think this way. To call it Christian worship.
I want to be gracious to people. And I can have good conversations with complementarians. I am sharpened by some and have a lot more to learn. I’m excited to keep learning. And I know that smugness and anger will not lead to conversion. I want people to see the beauty of our sexuality and siblingship in the church. I want people to see that women are not only to be tolerated, but that we are needed contributions. More than that, our very essence as woman beckons all peoples to Zion. This is what I write books on. We won’t get that picture in the movement of complementarianism, one that has merely polished an Aristotelian anthropology. The “best” scenarios of this framework miss the mark. I also don’t want to settle for an egalitarianism that says, “Sure, we welcome women to lead,” when it is merely an invitation for women to enter male spaces, acting as they do.
So, I get why Mike is being gracious. I get that we need to be able to have conversations on issues in the church. Maybe I should extend the graciousness that was not offered to me. I want reconciliation. I want people to see the light and beauty they are missing. But I would answer differently to an egalitarian asking that question. I am speaking now from the underground of disillusionment, with the other discarded and wounded. I will keep saying this: hope isn’t sentimental. It bears scars. And we will not hide them.
My Thoughts on Mike Byrd’s Thoughts
....
Mike and I just did a video discussing the latest action in the Southern Baptist Church, disfellowshipping churches from the denomination who have women in any pastoral roles. A couple people commented that we were too smug in the video. Man, the last thing I want to be is smug. And in thinking about it, trying to do some self-examination on that critique, I’m ashamed to say I was smug. But not because I think we should have been more gracious. I was smug because I was holding back on my anger, and frankly fear.
I know who pays for complementarian theology. I have been behind the curtain. I used to think, okay, some people abuse this theology of benevolent male leadership. I even thought I was in a good church who cared about women. Who wanted our contributions. Who would shepherd me and protect me. I believed in complementarian theology. But the reality is that the woman’s voice is managed. And it is suspect, not trusted on its own. Her voice needs to be validated by a man’s. And it better not challenge a man’s. The female voice is to constantly admire the man’s. See him up there in front. She will not be able to speak God’s word here. Or serve his body and blood. Or pray for her brothers and sisters. Or bless them as they go out into the world again.
I accepted all this before. Thought it was biblical, even. But there was nothing biblical about how I was treated by leaders in my own denomination. There was nothing biblical about the whole process addressing it: being made to “Mathew 18” with an elder, to endure his gaslighting, minimizing, turning on me; to exchange my own voice for male “protection;” to be mocked and slandered in official ecclesial meetings, all the men playing lawyer while a sister is neglected care; to go through two years of this process for the most reductive, minimizing outcome that protected…male power.
And sadly, it took my own battering to be able to see that it wasn’t merely bad apples who have harmed the many, many others. Sure, there are bad apples who take advantage of this complementarian theology. And there are good men and women in the system. It’s what makes it so hard to leave. And there are the many silent observers galavanting around, not looking at the damage. Look, I can separate the good, bad, and the ugly within complementarian churches. And I want to love them all well as brothers and sisters.
And to be clear, I am a stain to these people. So many in the Reformed churches won’t get near me. It would be a leprosy to their careers. Old friends ghosted me. Ones that I thought were the “good ones” in complementarian theology. I’ve been disinvited, blacklisted, treated like a disease that you only whisper about. For what? Asking for help and then saying what happened to me? For leaving the very spaces I was no longer welcome? And then examining how this theology, this movement of complementarianism, led to it all? And then I really crossed the line; I accepted an invitation to preach.
Some brave and loving souls who pastor complementarian churches have encouraged me. Publicly, even. But I have found that they are the anomaly, not the bad apples. Do we look for the anomalies?
I can’t do it. I can’t walk into these churches. My whole body screams from my gut and my veins and my bones that I am not safe there. And it isn’t only the OPC. Or the PCA. Or the SBC. It’s the core of complementarian theology. This will keep happening. It isn’t good for the men either. To be this way. To think this way. To call it Christian worship.
I want to be gracious to people. And I can have good conversations with complementarians. I am sharpened by some and have a lot more to learn. I’m excited to keep learning. And I know that smugness and anger will not lead to conversion. I want people to see the beauty of our sexuality and siblingship in the church. I want people to see that women are not only to be tolerated, but that we are needed contributions. More than that, our very essence as woman beckons all peoples to Zion. This is what I write books on. We won’t get that picture in the movement of complementarianism, one that has merely polished an Aristotelian anthropology. The “best” scenarios of this framework miss the mark. I also don’t want to settle for an egalitarianism that says, “Sure, we welcome women to lead,” when it is merely an invitation for women to enter male spaces, acting as they do.
So, I get why Mike is being gracious. I get that we need to be able to have conversations on issues in the church. Maybe I should extend the graciousness that was not offered to me. I want reconciliation. I want people to see the light and beauty they are missing. But I would answer differently to an egalitarian asking that question. I am speaking now from the underground of disillusionment, with the other discarded and wounded. I will keep saying this: hope isn’t sentimental. It bears scars. And we will not hide them.
My Thoughts on Mike Byrd’s Thoughts