Featured Backsliding vs. Having Never Been Saved

This is an issue that makes me do a decent amount of thinking.

How do you know if you've just been backsliding vs. having never been saved in the first place?

I wonder for personal reasons. Due to my mental illness, I periodically enter mood states (both "up" and "down") that can last for several weeks or more. During some of these extended periods, I occasionally become more religious and end up with a better devotional life. More frequently, though, I end up either having some sort of religious delusion (although not very often) or (quite often) turning away from God and looking into other religions, atheism, etc.

When I emerge from the mood state, I typically move back toward God and the church, seeking to undo the damage, as much as is possible. I usually have some sort of sin for which I need to repent (sometimes more extreme than others).

I know that I can't necessarily generalize my experience because it has factors from my bipolar disorder (such as delusions), but I would still be saved the same way as any other person. I'm just not sure how to interpret my inconsistent experiences.

I've done the whole getting rebaptized thing because I thought my initial profession of faith was false, but I honestly don't know that it was. It's hard for me to get a real grasp on my experiences because I can't truly trust my own mind.

Anyway, any of your thoughts are welcome. Just try not to bash me too much .

 

Thank you for your response. One major problem that I'm facing is my poor memory. Unfortunately, both my illness and the treatment I've received for the illness have wreaked havoc on my memory. It's hard for me to remember much of anything most of the time.

Basically, all I can remember is praying as a child. I couldn't tell you what I prayed exactly or even the general overview of what I was praying. I just know that whatever I prayed, it was considered a conversion experience, and I was baptized.

As an adult, several years later, I had some doubt about that experience, so I wanted to "get it right" by having a genuine conversion experience (at least I think so). I don't remember anything about this experience, though. I only know that afterwards I was baptized again.

In subsequent years, I've had periods of backsliding that were rather extreme, but, so far, I've always returned.

But I'll take your advice into consideration about speaking to someone. I'm supposed to meet up with one of the pastors at my church sometime in the next week or so after he returns from a mission trip. Hopefully, I won't forget to bring up the subject!

 

Oh I know the loss of memory wouldn't affect it. I just meant it would just affect my ability to describe my experiences to someone like my pastor. He might still be able to smash things together, but I can't paint him a good picture.

What troubles me with respect to memory is that I DO seem to be able to recall most of the major sins/mistakes I've made over the years. Not all of them have been in a bipolar episode, but the majority of them (and definitely the worst ones) were, and I struggle with that. When I've been "out of my mind" (occasionally to the point of thinking I can move objects through mental energy or that I can control the devil through sheer willpower), I've made some really bad decisions, and I know I have to take responsibility for them (apologize, etc.). Even with mitigating factors like a bipolar episode, would my actions just be too much?

Are they beyond what a Christian would be capable of doing, even an impaired one? And why do I almost always seem to turn away from God in an episode instead of toward him? Why is it that when I'm in such an episode that Christian teachings stop making sense to me? They end up making sense again eventually when I get past the episode, but why does my mind work like that?

I apologize if I've rambled. I've just needed to get some of this off my chest, I suppose.

 

Thanks, TCassidy. I appreciate the encouraging words.

One bit of clarification--when I mentioned apologizing---that's mostly for how it has affected my wife. I've hurt her by my actions, and, even if I had an impairment at the time, those actions still have painful consequences. This is a big reason why I want to try to stay as stable as possible---for the sake of my marriage and my family.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I've not had any attempts myself, but I've been in the hospital twice (including a few weeks ago) in order to prevent them from happening.

I wish you the best, fellow traveler!

 

That's an interesting thought about being drawn back.

I see your point regarding service, etc. I'm in the process of trying to be in touch with a couple men (my lifegroup leader and one of the pastors on staff), and I hope to get with them soon. (They've been busy and/or out of town.) I know my big thing is going to be trying to find the right avenue of service. I've been very unstable recently, so I definitely can't do something like helping with 5th graders--that would drive me even more crazy than I am! But perhaps something will come up at the right time.

 

I'm not so sure it's that simple. Even Christ cried out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" It seems to me that we lesser ones (who aren't the Son of God) might also have some times of doubt and concern.

 

I don't really have intrusive thoughts. I may have blasphemous thoughts, especially if I'm in a psychotic state, and I may have anti-Christian thoughts at times, but I typically seem to believe them (or at least think I do) at the time.

I'm sure that the problem is heavily related to my mental health, without a doubt.