Christian Input on Marriage

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

Hi all, looking for some general marriage advice regarding chores. Wife and I both came from unsaved households, so I can't really ask parents for Christian advice on this.

Long story short, we've been married a few years. When dating and engaged I told wife that my calling is agriculture/farming/homesteading, and she was gung ho about the dream and mission field until she realized the work ethic needed.

Now a few years later I am stuck working alone outside on farm chores after work and then interfacing with the farm business paperwork after I finish that, and I feel a little cheated since I essentially run the entire operation myself.

My wife and I both have normal 40hr jobs. I feed all the livestock in the morning and she packs my lunch. We go to work, and come home. I feed all the livestock again and start farm chores while she will at this point usually lay down on the couch with the TV and her smartphone. She will also cook a supper about 70% of the time if not too tired. When I come in from farm chores she is usually asleep on the couch or bed by 8 or 9pm and is too tired to talk with me or to spend time investing in our marriage.

She doesnt want to spend time with me outdoors, or help with the chores because she says she is too exhausted after work and she also says she hates that work and doesnt feel the same call to that work that i do, which I understand to some extent.

I feel cheated because I'm working 70 to 80 hours a week, but I get the feeling that my wife couldn't care less about my work, or the ministry, which for a man is very deflating and feels disrespectful. I ultimately feel like my helpmate is lacking on the "help" part, and actually wants the farm to fail.

Any advice on this? It's fairly depressing...

 

[agedman]

Does your wife come home before you?

Does your wife leave home before you?

 

[Revmitchell]

Hi all, looking for some general marriage advice regarding chores. Wife and I both came from unsaved households, so I can't really ask parents for Christian advice on this.

Long story short, we've been married a few years. When dating and engaged I told wife that my calling is agriculture/farming/homesteading, and she was gung ho about the dream and mission field until she realized the work ethic needed.

Now a few years later I am stuck working alone outside on farm chores after work and then interfacing with the farm business paperwork after I finish that, and I feel a little cheated since I essentially run the entire operation myself.

My wife and I both have normal 40hr jobs. I feed all the livestock in the morning and she packs my lunch. We go to work, and come home. I feed all the livestock again and start farm chores while she will at this point usually lay down on the couch with the TV and her smartphone. She will also cook a supper about 70% of the time if not too tired. When I come in from farm chores she is usually asleep on the couch or bed by 8 or 9pm and is too tired to talk with me or to spend time investing in our marriage.

She doesnt want to spend time with me outdoors, or help with the chores because she says she is too exhausted after work and she also says she hates that work and doesnt feel the same call to that work that i do, which I understand to some extent.

I feel cheated because I'm working 70 to 80 hours a week, but I get the feeling that my wife couldn't care less about my work, or the ministry, which for a man is very deflating and feels disrespectful. I ultimately feel like my helpmate is lacking on the "help" part, and actually wants the farm to fail.

Any advice on this? It's fairly depressing...

Because of the proclivity to debate issues this is not a good place for asking about this. You appear to have unmet expectations and it is likely there are some details not given here. You need to find a good Christian counselor or a pastor to walk the two of you through this.

In the mean time I would suggest praying for her and the marriage as well as fasting from time to time. No matter what she does or does not do make sure you are loving her unconditionally. Be willing to put her first even if it means giving up your dream. May God Bless you all.

 

[agedman]

Because of the proclivity to debate issues this is not a good place for asking about this. You appear to have unmet expectations and it is likely there are some details not given here. You need to find a good Christian counselor or a pastor to walk the two of you through this.

In the mean time I would suggest praying for her and the marriage as well as fasting from time to time. No matter what she does or does not do make sure you are loving her unconditionally. Be willing to put her first even if it means giving up your dream. May God Bless you all.

Excellent advice.

That is the reason for the two questions I posted.

He must purpose to spend immediate time either before or upon arrival from work. Time to decompress, engage in just sitting side by side and truly listening to each other. Praying together. The chores can wait for that extra hour spent holding hands and making the home secure and safe.

This forum is not the best place, and if he has no alternative, then I recommend you and he spend time in private messaging.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

Thanks to both of you . Tonight I will hold off on the farm chores for a bit, assuming rain holds off, and spend time on couch w/ wife and see if we agree on penciling in some time with our pastor and his wife as Rev Mitchell suggested.

It's nice to have older Christian folks to ask who've usually faced similar situations before . Our pastor jokes that there's 2 ways to be wise:

1. Learn by experience or
2. Learn by listening to older folks experience

Option 2 is always the best and leads to the least bruises and bumps haha

 

[Scarlett O.]

Have you ever told her what you have told us? Prayer, unconditional love, and counseling from a competent person or couple is what is needed.

It is NEVER too late to have competent marriage counseling.

 

[tyndale1946]

Excellent advice.

That is the reason for the two questions I posted.

He must purpose to spend immediate time either before or upon arrival from work. Time to decompress, engage in just sitting side by side and truly listening to each other. Praying together. The chores can wait for that extra hour spent holding hands and making the home secure and safe.

This forum is not the best place, and if he has no alternative, then I recommend you and he spend time in private messaging.

I'm not a marriage counselor or a pastor but I have been married twice... Lost one to death and married another.... While I agree with what has been said, think of the first time you both met... Set a date night... Get dressed up... Buy her flowers and other goodies... Get away from the house and take her out to dinner... In the old fashion way wine and dine her... Show her you care and she will show you she does too... It goes along way, take it from a brother who has been there... Married 30 years the first time and going on 16 years the second time... That's my advice!... Put romance back into your lives!... Brother Glen

 

[Revmitchell]

I'm not a marriage counselor or a pastor but I have been married twice... Lost one to death and married another.... While I agree with what has been said, think of the first time you both met... Set a date night... Get dressed up... Buy her flowers and other goodies... Get away from the house and take her out to dinner... In the old fashion way wine and dine her... Show her you care and she will show you she does too... It goes along way, take it from a brother who has been there... Married 30 years the first time and going on 16 years the second time... That's my advice!... Put romance back into your lives!... Brother Glen

Good advice

 

[Aaron]

If your wife is lazy no amount of "unconditional love" and "changing your dream" is going to reform her. She is showing what her approach to the the marriage is going to be. That will also be her approach to raising children and guiding the house.

Full-time jobs not withstanding, people find the energy to do what they want to do outside their jobs, and it appears that leisure and entertainment are what hold her interest.

You will not be able to change this. She has to change this. And any counselor with his feet on the ground will tell you and her the same.

 

[Benjamin]

Long story short, we've been married a few years. When dating and engaged I told wife that my calling is agriculture/farming/homesteading, and she was gung ho about the dream and mission field until she realized the work ethic needed.

Okay, so you TOLD her "YOUR" dream and mission but now YOU are criticizing her "work ethic" needed to fulfill YOUR dream. Did you ever consider that she didn't catch the hint that she would be required to meet your standards of work ethics to fulfill your dream? Maybe being a city girl didn't even envision the work or would even know her capabilities if she did?

My wife and I both have normal 40hr jobs.

I know a lot of people that get exhausted simply holding down a 40hr a week job and it seems your expectation is that she be willing to double that for YOUR dream. What other things would make up her life, besides working for your dream, would she have time for and what does she like to do besides working her 40hrs plus rising to your standard of work ethic?

She doesnt want to spend time with me outdoors, or help with the chores because she says she is too exhausted after work and she also says she hates that work and doesnt feel the same call to that work that i do, which I understand to some extent.

You say you understand that she doesn't like this type of work yet you turn right around and say you feel cheated because she doesn't want put in the extra 30-40 hrs a week so you can fulfill your dream of being Tarzan of the Corn Field.

I ultimately feel like my helpmate is lacking on the "help" part, and actually wants the farm to fail.

This reminds me of a movie about a farmer that set out to adopt children figuring he would have helpers to do the work on his farm. He didn't have time to be a father and take his children to sit and relax on the bank to fish nor would he approve if they set out to go fishing on their own when there was work to be done.

Therefore, my advice would be for YOU to work on YOUR dream, drop the expectations for your wife, and be proud of your accomplishments from doing the work that you enjoy. AS per putting blame on her should the your dream of the farm fail, DON'T even go there! You are getting way out of line on that one, you do it, you be thankful when your wife smiles at your accomplishments and maybe she will take an interest and gain some pride in contributing to some of these things eventually. If you think you can shame her into working on your dream, that expressing your disappointment in her work ethics, and saying that she isn't fulfilling her part of "your understanding of the bargain before you got married" is going to bring her around to being obedient to your thinking, you are on the wrong track. Rather, be thankful that you are gifted to be strong and energetic enough to take on this challenge and then take joy in freely giving these things which you highly value as a contribution to your family. I understand the love of your dream that goes beyond the ambitions of many/most who simply are satisfied with getting through their 40hr week. I just think your going to have to let YOUR work ethics for YOUR dream rub off naturally and be satisfied with whatever contribution comes from your wife - be satisfied and take joy in what you give to the relationship and not what you get from it and you'll be happier.

 

[Scarlett O.]

I thought of just a couple things. I still say competent Christian counseling is a must.

I. What about the work inside the house? Who does that? You said she makes your lunch while you feed the animals in the morning. Does she make breakfast for the two of you, too? And what about the laundry - daily washing, drying, an putting away. And the dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, and mopping? And paying bills? And buying groceries [and putting them away]? And scrubbing the toilets? And washing the sheets/making up the beds? And keeping everything in the bathroom and kitchen wiped clean and sanitary? And just generally keeping everything in its place and the whole house tidy?

Does she do that? Do you do that? Do you share those drudgeries that have to be done? Is neither of you doing that?

Depending on your answer, you might have a bigger or smaller problem than you think.



2. In reading your OP, I noticed that you used the word "helpmate". The phrase is actually "help meet". Two words. Two Hebrew words: "ezer" and "kenegdo [or k'nedgo].

The Hebrew word "ezer" is used twice for Eve and 19 times for God. Psalm 115:9 is an example. "O Israel, trust thou in the LORD: he is their help and their shield." The word means help as in a succor. A succor is a "relief". There are other words for help in the Bible, but they mean something different.

The Hebrew word "kenegdo" means "to oppose; or opposite". Just like our hands are opposite - or mirror images of one another. A woman body is opposite. Our brains are wired differently. Our thoughts, emotions, and purposes are different. BUT, not inferior. Not weak.

Your wife should be a relief to you in many ways, as you should be to her. She isn't a "helper" as in an assistant. She is an "ezer" - a help/succor/relief - as God was a relief to his people.

She is not God, not a goddess, not divine, not above her husband. But her role AS a relief is much more deep than people realize. Much more important.

Maybe SHE needs to learn this to learn how important she is AS a wife and therefore, if the case as you say is true - she's lazy - this might encourage her to be what she is supposed to be.

 

[Benjamin]

...and maybe she will take an interest and gain some pride in contributing to some of these things eventually.

I speak from experiencing a similar dream and what I came to learn about how these issues worked themselves out.

For example, I wanted to build a garden, not just a little garden but a 40' x 80' that started with a 3' chain link fence around it to keep the dogs out, then rabbit wire around the bottom of that to keep them out. My wife loved the idea of the garden but complained that I built it so far from the house, she was not interested in helping to prepare the soil, not interested in planting the seeds, not interested in watering it or weeding it. I come to find she was only interested on the results!

So anyway, when it came time to harvest and one of the first things was the green beans, which BTW I over-planted by putting 3 x 40' rows and the plants grew to over 3' tall and the amount of green beans being put out was incredible! So, I went out with 2 x 25 gallon black tree buckets and filled those things to the top and brought it in and set it on the counter. This is when I found out where she was willing to step in, she called my Grandma and asked her how to can and store these beans. There was no way she was going to let them go to waste. She got together with my Grandma and got jars, lids, pots, racks and she went to town canning and blanching and freezing - she spent all weekend on this project in which I never even suggested she take the project over. This was her turf!

Next came the tomatoes which were also doing very well and she ended up canning 60 quarts. The corn, let me tell you! I planted a golden jubilee block right next to a white sweetcorn block and they cross-pollinated it was so cool, 1/2 x 1/2 speckles corn in the middle gradually fanning out to light sprinkles of color on the ends of the row depending on which variety was dominating. My wife shucked and blanched and froze every lasts one.

This was a lot of inside work! I didn't even see this amount of work coming or realize the time involved and my wife didn't even want me in the kitchen. It was her thing! In fact, she looked forward to the processing so much that she began going out to the garden to harvest so she could get on her weekend roll of packing.