Courting vs dating etc.....

Chaperones, group outings, etc. should be par for the course. There's no reason they need "privacy" until they are married.

However, for an unsolicited piece of advice, if they decide to shack up, don't shun them. Doesn't mean you have to condone it, though. Just don't completely alienate them.

 

My family was friends with another family. They would not let theoir daughter go out with me even though I had worked for her dad many times and my parents and grandparents were friends with ehr parents. They were overly protective of her. When she became 18 to the surprise of all of us she left that home and had quite a struggle with life and making right decisions.

I am a believer in helping children make right decisions not just avoiding issues.

 

Are your kids homeschooled, public, or private? the type of school and type of church (what the youth group leaders will allow) will have a great influence, more than you would think or what others will say.

I know i see this often when talking with youth and parents.

 

Our high school actually has a policy where we do not allow the kids to date. We do however have a course which covers Christian dating, and they get training in that area during youth group things as well. And no, they do not all go off into "gross sin" because they are "oversheltered". We teach them the proper way to do things, and they have the chance to forge real friendships with each other.....boys and girls......without having to pair off in "romantic" couples. We have some very well-rounded kids because of it.

This is not to say that all dating is wrong before college-age. Just that we've found it to be wiser to hold off as a general rule for a group.

My own personal views are that if the person is not looking for a spouse than why date anyone? I do not believe in the need to date in order to "practice relationships", as this can be accomplished through simple friendship and group activities. In fact, being friends first is in many people's eyes preferable.....so why not teach them that in the first place? Teach them how to be friends with each other first, and let the romances develop when they are older.....at least out of high school.

 

I agree with Bapmom on that. I see no need for dating/courting until the person is seeking a spouse.
I look at my girls and they seem so young, but I see kids just a little older (like 12, 13) walking around holding hands or kissing. AAAAGGGHHHH! I was doing the same thing at that age too. AAAGGGHHH!!!

Where's the key to that closet?

 

I wanted to be doing the same thing but was never that good with the young ladies nor given the space to do or be that way by my parents.

As a youth pastor, I have always encouraged my teens and parents to leave the dating thing alone and just be friends. If they feel the need to "go out" then make sure they do it in a group setting with teens from their youth group. As youth pastor, I would encourage the teens to give me a shout out when they wanted to go and I would volunteer to go with so the parents felt comfortable and the teens could let their guard down a little and just be themselves. I believe an adult presence not only helps to keep the teen honest but also provides a defense to the teens to aid in avoiding trouble.

That's my dime (2 cents inflated by gas prices)

 

Gina,

Im having one made.....lol

 

jshurley,

my husband did that when he was a teen....his double dates were all with his school principal and the principal's wife. It is really great that there are some adults out there willing to act as the chaperone when needed.

 

Mom and dad

 

samarelda said:

There is a lot of talk/books written about courting vs. dating. What are your experiences and what are your views?

If anyone says that one or the other (particularly courtship) is "God's way," take them with a grain of salt. Just because a marriage custom obtained in ancient Palestine, doesn't mean that we need to follow it today. (Or do we want to go back to the days when marriages were arranged, and frequently for economic advantage?)

 

I agree with this. I have not been impressed with the folks I've talked to that are buying the "courtship instead of dating" thing, though there are some good points to it. Of course I realize there are different levels of the idea, some more radical than others.

Here is the thing. For a principle supposedly based on Scripture to be correct, it must be applicable to all cultures. That's what the concept of revelation means: eternal truth from God. So then, how can 1st century, or even OT, customs be valid for a missionary with a son or daughter who goes back to the States for college? The times our son wanted to date in college, we could not meet the girl and we could not get to know her. We simply had to trust that we had raised our son right!

In one family we know that is sold on the thing, one daughter seems to have done okay with her husband, a friend from the home-schooling group she grew up with--who left for Iraq with the Marines shortly after they got married! A son finally got married, after lots of inappropriate behavior--again with a girl he grew up with in the home-schooling group. Oh, and the parents? Separated after the husband became violent with the wife, broke into the mother-in-law's home, etc. Now I realize that this one situation does not negate the "courtship" method, but it does show that it is insufficient.

My advice?

1. Model a happy, loving Christian marriage in front of your kids.
2. Teach your kids a life of walking with God and prayer for His will.
3. Teach your kids that it is sin to use people, as many young people use each other for fun and pleasure in the typical dating relationship. If they are seriously seeking God's will, dating will be serious.

 

Here is the short version of how my wife and I met. The long version takes a half hour and makes a great message to young people!

When I was 18 I began praying for God's will in a wife. All through college and grad school I dated many girls but usually no more than twice. We never quite clicked! After a semester of seminary I worked with my grandfather at the Sword of the Lord for 11 months while I applied to Baptist World Mission (BWM) to go to Japan and waited for approval. During that time I dated a girl my mom liked, but that didn't work out since it wasn't God's will. Finally I began deputation for Japan as a single man, hoping maybe God had a single girl on the mission field prepared for me.

In the meantime, after a year or so a young Michigan lady named Patty Grimes from Midwestern Baptist College applied to BWM for a mission field she felt God would reveal through the board. In the candidate committee, the men (including Dr. Ed Nelson, Dr. Wayne Van Gelderen, etc.) began saying right in front of her, "We ought to get Patty and young John R. together!" She felt, "This can't be happening. It only happens in stories!" She, too, had given the idea of a husband up to the Lord for His will.

Shortly after that I was in Denver preaching for Dr. Nelson, and Dr. Van Gelderen was there too. Both men told me separately but in about the same words about Patty--neglecting to mention her name. So naturally my curiosity was piqued! I drove 20 hours straight to my next meeting, which was teaching martial arts at Mike Crain's Christian sports camp in Tennessee, wondering all the way who this girl was.

The next week I called Dr. Monroe Parker, our general director, to find out more, and he promised to send me her address. What he sent was the carbon copy of his letter to Patty, telling her about me and saying, "I am suggesting to John that he write to you." I took that as a command to be obeyed, since I loved and respected Dr. Parker so much. We wrote back and forth until the BWM board meeting in South Carolina in October, when we met in person. Patty immediately fell in love with me and prayed, "Lord, I want to marry John Himes and I want to marry him next May 5th." I was not so sure, so I prayed, "Lord, is Patty the girl you want me to marry?"

At that Christmas time in 1978, Patty came down to Murfreesboro, Tennessee, to meet the whole Rice clan, and then I went up to Lansing, Michigan, to meet her family. I went back to Michigan in January for deputation meetings, and that is when I proposed. She said yes, of course, and then later when we discussed when to have the wedding, I asked her if she wanted to be a June bride. She said that no, she had always liked the Spring. So I checked my deputation schedule and said, "The only date I have free in the Spring is May 5. Is that okay?"

We were married on May 5, 1979, the date that the Lord had chosen for us. I had prayed for God's will about marriage for 9 years! We had our only child Paul on June 16, 1980, and left for Japan on May 4, 1981, spending May 5 completely in the air because of the International Date Line, and arriving in Japan on May 6. These last 27 years with Patty have been so wonderful, I often wonder why young Christians are foolish enough to think they can do a better job than God in choosing a mate!

 

John of Japan, what a wonderful story! Similar to my hubby and I--friends introduced us and we married within 9 months.

I agree with JofJ on the dating thing. In my experience, I have not witnessed a courtship-type situation work very well. Maybe they were implemented poorly--I don't know. The only thing I would add to his advice is to give them some ground rules, if you choose to allow them to date.

I have 2 boys ages 22 and 19. We allowed them to date, with proper chapperones, curfews, etc. They both have chosen really nice, Christian girls to date and we have not had any problems. Our oldest son is engaged to a lovely Christian girl, and they will be married this December.

 

Gwen, you obviously raised your boys right, so now they are adults, and are making the right decisions! Congratulations!

In the family I previously spoke of, there was a philosophy that grown kids must obey their parents just like they did as children. They based this on the phrase, "Honor thy father and mother." However, this is a different statement than "Children obey your parents." You can honor your parents as an adult without obeying them. So when our kids grow up, if we have raised them right, we should be able to trust them to follow the Lord in the matter of choosing their mate.