Dealing with grief

[abcgrad94]

This entire year it seems like we have experienced death after death after more illness and death. I lost my maternal grandmother back in March and today I lost my paternal grandma, who was my last living grandparent. Hubby has preached several funerals (church related) this year and is getting ready to preach another one (also church related) within the next two months. It seems like we are experiencing a "season of death." With family overseas with the military, it's constantly on our minds if we will lose them as well.

Today my 9-year old daughter cried and asked me when would we have a week without someone else dying. I had no words for her. How do I comfort her? How do we begin to deal with our own grief much less help everyone else with theirs?

Is there a good book I can read to help with all this?

 

[Jim1999]

I sympathize with you, and understand where you are coming from.

I always encouraged people to talk about the person who passed on. Talking about them seems to bring a sense of peace to the one mourning the loss.

You will find that most people who lose a loved one also lose most of their friends after about three weeks. The reason is because they don't know what to say. My advice was always to talk about the departed. Talk about their lives and experiences and their accomplishments and anything personal.

One book that proved effective for me as a pastor was The Spirit of Scott, a 6 year old son who died from cancer.

The Spirit of Scott,
Judi Sturge, 1978

You can try your local library. I can't remember where I bought it.

Cheers,

Jim

 

[Gina B]

Before the kids were born I read a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." I can't vouch for the theology since I can't remember it and wasn't even a believer then, just someone hurting and searching for answers.

It helped, you may want to check it out.

I wish I had better answers. This week will most likely see some of these same kids questions addressed by the two youngest, and I'm sure DH will be hurting too.

I think part of this with kids is not over or under reacting to their grief. It's part of life, let them have it even if it hurts to see. You can't fix this one, but you can be there through it, even if you're grieving too.

A very specific thing happened a few months ago with Rachel. I was curling her hair before church and she started crying remembering how "mamma used to fix my hair before church too." I didn't pause, just kept doing it and asking little questions like how she did it, if she knew how much her mamma loved her, etc.. I'd turn her around as if I was trying to reach part of her hair in back if anyone started walking in so I could shoo the person away, letting her "air it out" without her realizing I was doing so.

Just being there. Even if she seems like she's mad or inconsolable and you're frustrated. Acknowledge. Don't fake an answer, sometimes there isn't one that we know, so it's okay to say "I wonder that myself too sometimes." Don't let her sit and dwell, if you see her doing that, give her a way to express it like drawing a picture of the loved one's favorite flower or writing a story dedicated to the memory of the loved one, etc.. If they sit there dwelling on it mentally for too long they get overwrought.

One thing I used to do with kids and haven't with these two yet is to find (or buy from a science homeschooling type place if you don't have them in your area) those little rocks that are just plain gray outside and are full of crystals inside. You can find huge ones, but if you buy them they're tiny. And tiny ones are easier. Buy a dozen, give her a hammer and chisel, and let her have at it. It releases anger and frustration and the rocks are really cool inside. Sparkly. Girls love 'em. It's also a lesson on what looks ugly on the outside is sometimes just a reflection on the polishing going on inside.

 

[padredurand]

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be--or so it feels--welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become.

 

[Gina B]

ABC, this is odd. I was looking at Christian schools in and around OKC and ran across this one. I was looking at fees/tuition and then clicked one something, maybe the home page, and saw the title "Why do bad things happen to good people?" It turned out to be something the pastor wrote and has on his blog, so here it is:
http://destinychristian.com/wordpress/?p=1578

 

[abcgrad94]

Thank you all for your responses. I find it helps just to talk things through rather than keep them bottled up inside.

Jim, I can't help but wonder if the people of London felt this way during the Blitz. Never knowing when they would lose another friend or loved one. They lived with death constantly. I think after a "season" like this, one can realize what is truly important in life and face death without fear, knowing we all must someday face that appointment.

 

[Jim1999]

We never lost the fear that we may be next, but we learned to live facing that fear and getting on with life. We joked a lot. Stiff upper lip took on a whole new meaning.

I remember throwing stones at the German planes as they flew low over us,,,,,,,as if I could ever reach those planes, let alone bring one down.......but you see the humourous aspect of facing death and destruction.

I have a photo of a chap drinking his tea, sitting at a table in an upper level whilst the building next was bombed out as was one of his walls. This photo was in the local newspaper.

Cheers,

Jim