Divorce Information

Best to think separation at this point and not divorce, OK? Go slowly on your options so that you don't miss out what the Lord might be willing to do in your husband's life.

If he likes the separation, let HIM be the one to file for divorce. In the meantime, is he totally averse to counselling?

You do have an option with the drunk driving thing: call the police and ask them to pick him up when he is out like that. That is performing a service to everyone else out on the road then!

 

Hi,Saved4life,

I don't have any info for you,but just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm praying for your continued faithfulness to God through this fiery ordeal. I'm also praying for your husband,that he will see his need for a Saviour and repent.

Do not grow weary doing good.

In Christ,
Molly

 

You will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers.

[I have edited out the link regarding divorce as I am very uncomfortable with this link being on Baptist Board. If the administrators and/or webmaster tell me OK, we can ask you to post it again, Joshua, but for now it is deleted. Helen]

You need an attorney far more than you need a website. I would recommend one who is not part of a large firm and who will provide personalized attention. No matter what anyone tells you, you need your own attorney who will advocate strongly for your position.

In many states, legal separation is part of the divorce process; so beginning that process is not necessarily exclusive of starting with a trial separation.

Joshua

[ July 09, 2002, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: Barnabas ]

 

Bro. Joshua, just a point of information: Let the ladies work out their own problems, after all, the last time I checked it, the headline of this forum reminded me that this is a Baptist Women's site. Thank your for your kind cooperation.

 

NO! NO! NO! NO! Not another victory for the enemy! Please~don't do it! I've seen on this Board alone, the damage caused by sin & too many times I've remained silent; but I can't on this, so please forgive me for just blurting this out. I have been married to my first & only husband a long time-has it been a joyride? No! It does take a LOT of effort & hard work. It takes me knowing my place. It takes me doing & being the best as I possibly can-and then some-"above & beyond the call of duty". Personally, I think the woman can make or break a marriage.

God has ordained marriage & it is not to be broken, unless by death. Not when you get tired of him, or he finds another cutie, or you just want out, or he needs space....Lies, all lies. Excuses supplied by satan himself. Not even when he's drinking or when you've had enough, or y'all got the seven-year itch or too many bills long overdue, and on & on, etc. Get the picture?

This isn't about just you or him. It's about those children. Those sweet little innocent babies. Please don't do this to THEM! If the husband leaves the wife, there is nothing you should do except hang in there until God deals with him. My brother-in-law left his wife years ago, philandering around, but yet, she has remained faithful & true to their vows & one day God will vindicate.

My daddy was an alcoholic & abuser. He beat me nearly to death many times, but my mama stayed with him until he finally left her. She never even thought of leaving...she remained faithful, bailing him out, cleaning him up, caring for him as a good wife should. That's all you can do. Put God first in ALL things and He will take care of you & He will take care of the problem in His own way. Marriage is meant to last, but too many are taking the sleazy, I mean easy, way out.

Yes, I'm being very blunt, but too many lives have already been destroyed & you can probably ask a good many on this Board if this is so & their answer, if honest, will be "yes!" & those that say "no" are trying to justify themselves. God HATES divorce & His attitude should be ours, as well. Too many churches are making it "easy" for divorce to happen by the programs/ministries they offer, as a subtle form of endorsement.

Please don't injure your children, or that rascally husband. Pray for him, turn him over to God. Let him know you love him regardless. So what if he wrecks the new car? Hopefully, no one will be hurt, but a divorce will do permanent & irrepairable damage. I'm no counselor, I'm not even knowledgeable enough in scriptures, but do know enough that this is wrong & is EXACTLY what our adversary, the devil, wants. He is out there devouring & destroying all who will allow it & he will supply you with all the "right" reasons(excuses). I'll be praying for you to be strong.

 

Barnabas,

Per this thread I only post here on exceptionally rare ocassions and only when I have something informative (like the website URL) to contribute. From what I can tell, since this wasn't posted in the women's private forum, it was completely within the posting guidelines.

Helen - what was objectionable about the link. From what I can tell, it is a legal reference (with commercial content) - and statistically baptists get divorced with the same frequency of other demographic groups.

Joshua

P.S. Good point Saved - I think it's a safe bet that God hates a lot of things far more than divorce; and drunken, dangerous, abusive marriages would certainly be on that list.

[ July 09, 2002, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: Rev. Joshua Villines ]

 

Savedforlife,
I'm an Assistant DA in Atlanta. I come across situations like yours almost daily. Here are some tips I'll recommend based upon my experience as a private attorney and prosecutor (many of my DUI and Domestic Violence cases have presented these issues):
1. Talk to a lawyer today. Your husband WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU until you are in court. ONLY HE CAN CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR, and he won't until he decides to. If a pending divorce won't cause the change, then maybe its what you need.
Since you live in Oxford, the Butler County Bar Association will give you referrals for lawyers in good standing in the specialty of family relations.
2. Do not drop the divorce suit unless you see a sustained period of change. When you are bringing the suit, you have a position of power that you can negotiate from, i.e., "I won't agree to a continuance until I see an Alcoholics Annonymous attendance sheet showing you've been 30 times".
3. Counseling is great. But just because he needs it doesn't mean you do. You can agree to go, but keep the suit pending to make sure he follows through or for insurance in case he doesn't.
4. Don't let him drive the kids anywhere until he stops drinking. Take it from someone who has prosecuted Vehicular Homicides.
5. You asked about Ohio statutes online. Do a Yahoo search for "Anderson's Ohio Revised Code".
6. Be realistic, but don't give up hope. The chances of him changing by you filing for divorce are not good, (they are even less without it). But with Christ, all things are possible. You might want to write down an objective list of everything you want him to do, like stop drinking, go to church every sunday and wednesday, spend at least an hour a day (sober) with the children, have 1 date a week with you, or what ever. This will help you evaluate whether or not staying with this man is in the best interests for you and your children.
7. Helen may be right about separation, but if you do it, do it formally with an enforceable order from the court laying out child support payments, visitation, requiring him to keep a life insurance policy (since he's out risking his life all the time), requring he be sober to visit with the children, or whatever, but GET IT SIGNED BY THE JUDGE AND ENFORCEABLE WITH JAIL TIME (contempt).
I know it seems like I am encouraging a divorce, but I am not. What I am saying is, the writing is on the wall. You cannot get him to be the husband God intended him to be unless you take the necessary steps to protect yourself and the kids If he won't change, you will have to protect the kids by taking the required measures.
8. Stay constant in prayer. In the middle of a legal battle, you could lose site of your goal. It is not to get revenge. It is (I think) to protect you and your kids in the event your husband does not change enough for you to halt the divorce or separation.
God Bless you and your family. I pray this works out for the best. Feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions.

 

I think the devil likes watching kids suffer at the hands of their parents more than about anything else. Remember, they are helpless.
(some of my post is stuck in the quotes above).

 

David and Joshua,
Thanks to both of you for your help here.

And I agree wholeheartedly that God does not want people to stay in abusive situations. I would never think it was my duty to stay and watch my children being nearly beaten to death many times.
The police would have been called instantly the first time.

Also, the police should be called everytime a person is out driving drunk.

Saved4Life, I pray for your present hurt.
GET HELP NOW !!!

Grannygumbo, I pray for your past hurt.

Karen

 

You say, "I think my husband is out driving drunk.
Here is the license number and here is the car description and the general area where he may be...." You would not be doing it for mere pleasure, you would be doing it to save the lives of those he comes in contact with.
It would NOT be a sin to try to prevent a great harm!
However, I say that sitting here safely. Protect yourself and your kids before you do this!!

Karen

 

How utterly ridiculous it was for me to think that I could stop another "death"-and that is what divorce is. I gave it my best shot, but as I'm finding out more everyday, people are turning deaf ears to truth. "EVEN SO, COME, LORD JESUS".

I probably did not deserve some of the beatings I got, but many times maybe I did. Who knows. But one day my daddy did ask for my forgiveness & I thanked him for instilling within me high morals. I loved him with all my heart & I know it was the alcohol that ruled his life & took over his mind. He always claimed he had an understanding with "the Man upstairs"(a term I do not agree with), so I don't know where he is today (heaven or hell).

 

You are very welcome. I don't know how big your town is, but you could always call police dispatch and say "My husband John Doe is driving home in my red 2002 Honda Accord license plate # YRU OUT, and I think he's driving home drunk from a bar". They may issue a BOLO ("be on the lookout") to all patrol cars, who will keep their eyes out for him and pull him over if he drives poorly . If you know he's drunk when he leaves the house, call 911! They can legally stop him based only on your call.
Don't do it to be mean. Do it so your kid's Daddy won't kill himself or someone else.

 

My parents split when I was 6 over his constant drinking and adultry. I saw my dad come home falling over and throwing up many times. He was never home, they fought all the time. I can tell you from experience, what hurts the kids is having to see this. Too often people try to stay together because of the kids, thinking the kids don't see all the stuff going on, that they don't know of, and see the stress, and pain of trying to force a relationship. Now neither do I believe in divorce, but there are times when it can not be avoided. And staying together for the kids is not always the right thing.

 

I agree with David, and thank him very much for his post, but have one exception: the wife also needs counselling.

I am speaking here from experience. I was married to someone not too dissimilar to the man being talked about here for twenty years. The major difference was that he added a series of affairs to the list of problems!

My life became one of defensiveness and fear of displeasing him. I would shut people out at the drop of a hat if I felt they were not being square with me. In short I, also, had become dysfunctional to a degree. I had some wonderful help from an older woman and my pastor both. Today I am more than happily married to Barry; I never knew what it was to be loved like this and I feel like a new life (not referring to being born again, please!) has opened up inside me. But I am not at all sure that I would have been able to accept or respond to Barry if I had not had a chance to get straightened out myself.

I highly recommend biblical, not secular, counselling. And not the kind that tells you what to do or not to do, but the kind that helps you dump everything in God's lap and learn to forgive and then turn around and calmly handle a growing family. An emotionally tortured and devastated woman does not make a good mommy. We end up leaning too much on our kids for support when it really needs to be the other way around.

So that is my one area of disagreement and why.

To Granny Gumbo -- I think what you don't realize is that the marriage is already dead. Refusing to recognize what the man has done is sort of like refusing to have a funeral for a corpse, hoping it will wake up again.

What God is able to do, if the man is willing, is present them with a new, living marriage. But it will be a new one if it happens. It will not be a restoration of the old one. We can mourn the death, for I do agree with you that death it is, but it has already happened at the hands of this man. David is absolutely right when he presented the list of 'things to do' now -- this is the ONLY chance of actually helping this man to see what he has done and force him into a decision about whether or not his marriage and family mean anything to him at all.

As far as calling when your husband is drunk, yes, you can do it. I did. If you know what bar he is at, that is even more helpful. And if your husband takes the children anywhere after he has been drinking, and you are not able to stop it, call the police IMMEDIATELY. Your children's and possibly others' lives may well be at stake.

 

Well said, Helen. I'm glad to see that you are finally getting some support, Saved4Life. I resisted the idea of divorce for 13 years, off and on, especially in the last seven years "because of the child." I found myself getting depressed and taking risks, looking for validation in unhealthy ways. I tried to hard to tolerate the dead marriage, I tried to make it work by working on me, and in the end I had a hard time responding to ANYONE, including my daughter.

I'm in a second marriage. I've never been happier. My daughter has the life I used to fantasize about. She is able to see her Dad whenever it is possible, he keeps in touch with her and I never get in the way. My ex has a new chance at starting over, if he'll take it, and I'm in a healthy marriage in which I can GROW in faith.

Marriage IS work, but it sounds like it's not a matter of his running off to go golfing when you'd rather go shopping. If you continue to allow your children to witness your constant "enabling" (I know that you've been strong and willing to try anything, it just hasn't worked) of your husband's behavior, you will raise at least one JUST LIKE HIM. It's not a legacy worth passing on.

If you do take action, trust that your prayers will still be heard. Your husband may respond more to LOSING you than he would to stringing you along for another 30 years.

 

Hello Saved4Life, I'm sorry about your husband, it seems we are having the same problem with husbands. You can read my story under the General Baptist Forum, post title "I need some good Christian advice!" http://www.baptistboard.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=10;t=001470
I truly feel for you and know exactly what you are going through! You will be in my prayers tonight!

May God Bless you and your children!!!!!

Jenni

[Edited to add the link to Jenni's post - CK]

[ July 10, 2002, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: Clint Kritzer ]