Heart Hardened by Sin

[Tyler]

I've made posts in the past regarding this issue but I'm still wrestling with it.

Many years ago I became involved in habitual sexual sin. I hated it and saw the Lord warning me to leave it but felt powerless to stop it or escape the cycle. One night after work, as though a light switch was flipped in my head, I felt what appeared to be the departing of the Spirit. I don't have a biblical category for it. I saw all of my desires revert to what they once were before I came to Christ. I no longer loved Jesus or desired him. I felt completely numb and desireless. It seemed to me that I no longer believed and had no heart desire to submit to the Lord, though I desired this with my mind completely. I was torn between what was happening in my heart and what I desired with my mind.

Since then I have gotten accountability partners and software and begun having constant quiet times again doing my best to repent of known sin. Throughout this time I was in seminary and very involved with my church. I think I had convinced myself that I could have Christ and my sin. Or at least that, as long as I was pursuing Christ, I wasn't turning away from him.

Two years later my heart hasn't changed at all. I still do not desire Christ. I still do not feel broken over my sin. I still see no effects of the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures are completely dry and empty. I do not seem to have any faith. I want to know Christ again and enjoy him but I feel that my heart is a stone in my chest and I do not see the terribleness of my sin. I have no real, deep repentance.

This brings me to Esau and his hardened heart. It seems that there can come a point where someone can be involved in sin to the point that they cannot repent. I read an article from John Piper about the subject. Is God Fed Up with Me?
He seems to echo that there is a point of no return. It seems that I have crossed that point. No matter how hard I chase after Christ it feels vain and as though it comes from a dishonest heart. One that isn't broken over how I have offended God as it once did. One that is afraid of the consequences of sin and God's judgement. Though I have prayed for 2 years now, my heart has not been softened and I am unable to repent deeply and truly as I once did.

My question is two-fold:
1. Is it possible that a believer can persist in sin to the point that they can no longer repent and return to the Lord?
2. If this has happened, what then does one do? Is there any hope to know Christ again?

 

[Scarlett O.]

I'll be praying for you.

Let me say this. It's not about how we feel. Our feelings can deceive sometimes. Other times they are very trustworthy. I wouldn't gamble with my feelings on things this crucial.

Sin that runs very deep and for extended parts of our lives - especially sexual sins which Paul said are more devastating than other sins - have serious repercussions. One of which is a calloused heart which makes one feel nothing - about everything. I have a callous on my right hand, ring finger - where my pen/pencil lays. I wasn't taught to hold my pencil correctly as a 1st grader and when I write, I have a death grip on my writing utensil.

Before the advent of personal computers and when I wrote exclusively with a pen or pencil, that callous would sometimes grow large, rough, and would sometimes feel like sandpaper. I could rub that callous, but that finger could not feel it. I would have to tear the top layer of the callous off from time to time. It's still there today, but with not using a pen/pencil much, it's small and smooth and I can feel it now when it touches something.

This is what has happened to you. You've grown a calloused heart because of he depth of sin and the length of time you sinned and now, the doubts. A heart that's had layers and layers of sin grow over it is a terrible thing. If a person is truly saved and truly repentant - it's devastating to not "feel" better after trying so hard to "do" better.

Others may disagree, but you have NOT reached a point of no return. For the Christian, all sin can be forgiven when confessed and repented of.

You are NOT the only person sin has done this too. Trust me on that.

So what's the answer?

• Stop depending on your feelings and trust what God says. Trusting God is something that's not taught enough nor practiced enough. I went through a period of deep depression and anxiety not long ago. It's a struggle I have. God brought me through that situation, but taught me in the aftermath that I would have been SO MUCH more at peace if I would just trust him. I balked at that because I thought I was, but in looking back - I leaned on him NOT at all. And it shames me.
• Keep reading the Bible and praying daily. Pray before you read and pray while you read.
• Take some notes. Keep a notebook of scriptures that move you. Don't stop trying.
• In your prayers, ask God to show you how to de-callous your heart.

I'm sure others will have something to say - just remember, I am praying for you.

You may never "feel" ecstatic or like jumping over a pew. That's fine. As long as you are trusting God and his word.

 

[Steven Yeadon]

I've made posts in the past regarding this issue but I'm still wrestling with it.

Many years ago I became involved in habitual sexual sin. I hated it and saw the Lord warning me to leave it but felt powerless to stop it or escape the cycle. One night after work, as though a light switch was flipped in my head, I felt what appeared to be the departing of the Spirit. I don't have a biblical category for it. I saw all of my desires revert to what they once were before I came to Christ. I no longer loved Jesus or desired him. I felt completely numb and desireless. It seemed to me that I no longer believed and had no heart desire to submit to the Lord, though I desired this with my mind completely. I was torn between what was happening in my heart and what I desired with my mind.

Since then I have gotten accountability partners and software and begun having constant quiet times again doing my best to repent of known sin. Throughout this time I was in seminary and very involved with my church. I think I had convinced myself that I could have Christ and my sin. Or at least that, as long as I was pursuing Christ, I wasn't turning away from him.

Two years later my heart hasn't changed at all. I still do not desire Christ. I still do not feel broken over my sin. I still see no effects of the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures are completely dry and empty. I do not seem to have any faith. I want to know Christ again and enjoy him but I feel that my heart is a stone in my chest and I do not see the terribleness of my sin. I have no real, deep repentance.

This brings me to Esau and his hardened heart. It seems that there can come a point where someone can be involved in sin to the point that they cannot repent. I read an article from John Piper about the subject. Is God Fed Up with Me?
He seems to echo that there is a point of no return. It seems that I have crossed that point. No matter how hard I chase after Christ it feels vain and as though it comes from a dishonest heart. One that isn't broken over how I have offended God as it once did. One that is afraid of the consequences of sin and God's judgement. Though I have prayed for 2 years now, my heart has not been softened and I am unable to repent deeply and truly as I once did.

My question is two-fold:
1. Is it possible that a believer can persist in sin to the point that they can no longer repent and return to the Lord?
2. If this has happened, what then does one do? Is there any hope to know Christ again?

Brother, I will point you to Hebrews 6, 10, 11, and Hebrews 12 at first. I will do something I usually warn people against, try to insert yourself as if you were part of the church being talked to. See if there are any parallels to your story, any comfort for your situation.

The sign something good is afoot on your end is that you are here asking at all. It seems the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. If you are here out of fear, good! Your Father in heaven is disciplining you like a little child in need of correction. He loves you.

I need to say that if you are emotionally numb for long stretches for a reason you cannot explain, then it may be an illness. You will want to check with a psychiatrist to make sure it is not.

I have a story a little like yours, I will need a little more time to assemble a full response.

 

[Scarlett O.]

I need to say that if you are emotionally numb for long stretches for a reason you cannot explain, then it may be an illness. You will want to check with a psychiatrist to make sure it is not..

I would like to echo this post for the OP and second the fact that spiritual counseling and even medical counseling could do wonders. There a many Christian therapists that could help.

 

[Steven Yeadon]

I've made posts in the past regarding this issue but I'm still wrestling with it.

Many years ago I became involved in habitual sexual sin. I hated it and saw the Lord warning me to leave it but felt powerless to stop it or escape the cycle. One night after work, as though a light switch was flipped in my head, I felt what appeared to be the departing of the Spirit. I don't have a biblical category for it. I saw all of my desires revert to what they once were before I came to Christ. I no longer loved Jesus or desired him. I felt completely numb and desireless. It seemed to me that I no longer believed and had no heart desire to submit to the Lord, though I desired this with my mind completely. I was torn between what was happening in my heart and what I desired with my mind.

Since then I have gotten accountability partners and software and begun having constant quiet times again doing my best to repent of known sin. Throughout this time I was in seminary and very involved with my church. I think I had convinced myself that I could have Christ and my sin. Or at least that, as long as I was pursuing Christ, I wasn't turning away from him.

Two years later my heart hasn't changed at all. I still do not desire Christ. I still do not feel broken over my sin. I still see no effects of the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures are completely dry and empty. I do not seem to have any faith. I want to know Christ again and enjoy him but I feel that my heart is a stone in my chest and I do not see the terribleness of my sin. I have no real, deep repentance.

This brings me to Esau and his hardened heart. It seems that there can come a point where someone can be involved in sin to the point that they cannot repent. I read an article from John Piper about the subject. Is God Fed Up with Me?
He seems to echo that there is a point of no return. It seems that I have crossed that point. No matter how hard I chase after Christ it feels vain and as though it comes from a dishonest heart. One that isn't broken over how I have offended God as it once did. One that is afraid of the consequences of sin and God's judgement. Though I have prayed for 2 years now, my heart has not been softened and I am unable to repent deeply and truly as I once did.

My question is two-fold:
1. Is it possible that a believer can persist in sin to the point that they can no longer repent and return to the Lord?
2. If this has happened, what then does one do? Is there any hope to know Christ again?

Scarlett makes a good point, your feelings are not trustworthy at all times. If you are still holding faith in God, want to repent, and scared of abandoning God, then good! Let the reality of the situation according to the facts inform you instead of your feelings.

 

[Steven Yeadon]

I've made posts in the past regarding this issue but I'm still wrestling with it.

Many years ago I became involved in habitual sexual sin. I hated it and saw the Lord warning me to leave it but felt powerless to stop it or escape the cycle. One night after work, as though a light switch was flipped in my head, I felt what appeared to be the departing of the Spirit. I don't have a biblical category for it. I saw all of my desires revert to what they once were before I came to Christ. I no longer loved Jesus or desired him. I felt completely numb and desireless. It seemed to me that I no longer believed and had no heart desire to submit to the Lord, though I desired this with my mind completely. I was torn between what was happening in my heart and what I desired with my mind.

Since then I have gotten accountability partners and software and begun having constant quiet times again doing my best to repent of known sin. Throughout this time I was in seminary and very involved with my church. I think I had convinced myself that I could have Christ and my sin. Or at least that, as long as I was pursuing Christ, I wasn't turning away from him.

Two years later my heart hasn't changed at all. I still do not desire Christ. I still do not feel broken over my sin. I still see no effects of the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures are completely dry and empty. I do not seem to have any faith. I want to know Christ again and enjoy him but I feel that my heart is a stone in my chest and I do not see the terribleness of my sin. I have no real, deep repentance.

This brings me to Esau and his hardened heart. It seems that there can come a point where someone can be involved in sin to the point that they cannot repent. I read an article from John Piper about the subject. Is God Fed Up with Me?
He seems to echo that there is a point of no return. It seems that I have crossed that point. No matter how hard I chase after Christ it feels vain and as though it comes from a dishonest heart. One that isn't broken over how I have offended God as it once did. One that is afraid of the consequences of sin and God's judgement. Though I have prayed for 2 years now, my heart has not been softened and I am unable to repent deeply and truly as I once did.

My question is two-fold:
1. Is it possible that a believer can persist in sin to the point that they can no longer repent and return to the Lord?
2. If this has happened, what then does one do? Is there any hope to know Christ again?

What do you mean by your heart? Are you referring to your emotions and passions or something else?

 

[Tyler]

Brother, I will point you to Hebrews 6, 10, 11, and Hebrews 12 at first. I will do something I usually warn people against, try to insert yourself as if you were part of the church being talked to. See if there are any parallels to your story, any comfort for your situation.

The sign something good is afoot on your end is that you are here asking at all. It seems the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. If you are here out of fear, good! Your Father in heaven is disciplining you like a little child in need of correction. He loves you.

I need to say that if you are emotionally numb for long stretches for a reason you cannot explain, then it may be an illness. You will want to check with a psychiatrist to make sure it is not.

I have a story a little like yours, I will need a little more time to assemble a full response.

My fear is that I have become like those warned in Hebrews. I was seeing this early on which drove me to suicidal ideations. I was seeing a christian psychologist who had me put into a mental hospital. Said all that to say that I was put on medication early on in this season. It hasn't had any effect on the spiritual situation. I still feel hard hearted, unable to repent, unrenewed in mind and heart, that I lack the Spirit's renewing and that I see no sanctification, growth or maturing occurring in my life. The medication just keeps me from spiraling back into despair. So I feel as though it is not a physiological problem. Rather that the spiritual state is causing these things. I meet and have met with my pastor on almost a weekly basis since this started with no avail.

 

[Tyler]

Scarlett makes a good point, your feelings are not trustworthy at all times. If you are still holding faith in God, want to repent, and scared of abandoning God, then good! Let the reality of the situation according to the facts inform you instead of your feelings.

I'd like to be clear that it isn't as much a feeling as something I'm seeing to be true causing feelings. It's not a feeling like you may feel like you forgot something and become anxious. Rather a realization that my worldview and desires have altered away from Christ against my will causing extreme feelings and fears.

 

[Tyler]

What do you mean by your heart? Are you referring to your emotions and passions or something else?

So when I refer to my heart I'm meaning those deep desires. Like when I was broken hearted over my sin, I experienced brokenness over my sin from the depths of my heart. I would think to liken it to the seat of my deepest passions and desires. The heart isn't passion or desire. Those come forth from the heart.

 

[Tyler]

I'll be praying for you.

Let me say this. It's not about how we feel. Our feelings can deceive sometimes. Other times they are very trustworthy. I wouldn't gamble with my feelings on things this crucial.

Sin that runs very deep and for extended parts of our lives - especially sexual sins which Paul said are more devastating than other sins - have serious repercussions. One of which is a calloused heart which makes one feel nothing - about everything. I have a callous on my right hand, ring finger - where my pen/pencil lays. I wasn't taught to hold my pencil correctly as a 1st grader and when I write, I have a death grip on my writing utensil.

Before the advent of personal computers and when I wrote exclusively with a pen or pencil, that callous would sometimes grow large, rough, and would sometimes feel like sandpaper. I could rub that callous, but that finger could not feel it. I would have to tear the top layer of the callous off from time to time. It's still there today, but with not using a pen/pencil much, it's small and smooth and I can feel it now when it touches something.

This is what has happened to you. You've grown a calloused heart because of he depth of sin and the length of time you sinned and now, the doubts. A heart that's had layers and layers of sin grow over it is a terrible thing. If a person is truly saved and truly repentant - it's devastating to not "feel" better after trying so hard to "do" better.

Others may disagree, but you have NOT reached a point of no return. For the Christian, all sin can be forgiven when confessed and repented of.

You are NOT the only person sin has done this too. Trust me on that.

So what's the answer?

• Stop depending on your feelings and trust what God says. Trusting God is something that's not taught enough nor practiced enough. I went through a period of deep depression and anxiety not long ago. It's a struggle I have. God brought me through that situation, but taught me in the aftermath that I would have been SO MUCH more at peace if I would just trust him. I balked at that because I thought I was, but in looking back - I leaned on him NOT at all. And it shames me.
• Keep reading the Bible and praying daily. Pray before you read and pray while you read.
• Take some notes. Keep a notebook of scriptures that move you. Don't stop trying.
• In your prayers, ask God to show you how to de-callous your heart.

I'm sure others will have something to say - just remember, I am praying for you.

You may never "feel" ecstatic or like jumping over a pew. That's fine. As long as you are trusting God and his word.

Thank you for your words.
I pray that you are right that my heart has only become calloused and not hardened. If the Lord has caused this time to begin to show me the callousness of my heart that I could not see before, Praise God. I'm safe and grateful that he still loves me and desires to discipline me for my joy and his glory. I desire his discipline that would lead me to walk more faithfully in him. However, I'm not able to distinguish whether this is callousness of heart that is causing discipline, or hardness of heart causing abandonment and reprobation.
Regarding your answers, I completely agree. These are absolutely the ways to respond faithfully to the Lord's disciple, and walk faithfully when not under his discipline. The deeply unsettling thing is that though I have done this for 2 years not, not completely perfectly of course, nothing has changed. My prayers feel like they don't make it past the ceiling. I'm not concerned about the things of the Lord. I don't have outward or, seemingly, inward love for Christ and though I ask him to change these things, I see no movement.
How then do I have confidence that I have not become like Esau in these moments?

 

[37818]

@Tyler,

If I may, I am going to bring somethings to mind. Much of it may well be what you are very aware of.

James wrote, ". . . For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. . . ." -- James 3:2.

Now that brings to mind something Jesus instructed, ". . . for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. . . ." -- Matthew 12:34.

And that brings to mind a Proverb, Preverbs 16:3, "Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established." Now for me this is the hardest part. Not the doing this so much, but remebering to do this with everything I do. Especpally all the little things.

One more thing God promises, ". . . If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. . . ." -- 1 John 1:9.

These are the main passages which work for me.

Yes, there are other Scriptures that can be put to use too.
Psalms 119:11.
Matthew 4:4.
Philippians 4:8.

 

[Steven Yeadon]

Thank you for your words.
I pray that you are right that my heart has only become calloused and not hardened. If the Lord has caused this time to begin to show me the callousness of my heart that I could not see before, Praise God. I'm safe and grateful that he still loves me and desires to discipline me for my joy and his glory. I desire his discipline that would lead me to walk more faithfully in him. However, I'm not able to distinguish whether this is callousness of heart that is causing discipline, or hardness of heart causing abandonment and reprobation.
Regarding your answers, I completely agree. These are absolutely the ways to respond faithfully to the Lord's disciple, and walk faithfully when not under his discipline. The deeply unsettling thing is that though I have done this for 2 years not, not completely perfectly of course, nothing has changed. My prayers feel like they don't make it past the ceiling. I'm not concerned about the things of the Lord. I don't have outward or, seemingly, inward love for Christ and though I ask him to change these things, I see no movement.
How then do I have confidence that I have not become like Esau in these moments?

Just know that He disciplines you and you are thus one of His beloved children He is conforming to Jesus Christ. You are not alone with a calloused conscience. I will say more when available, since I had a calloused conscience too 3.5 years ago.

 

[StefanM]

The only thing I can offer as a possibility is to pray to God honestly about how you feel.

Read your Bible as you can, but don't let that become a source of feelings of inadequacy in terms of how much you should read or what you should study, etc. What I mean by that primarily is to avoid allowing your lack of desire become another point of concern over which to ruminate. Instead, focus more on the prayer.

I'm reminded of Romans 8:26-27 (ESV): "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." If you don't read anything else in the Bible, dwell on these verses for a little while.

Specifically pray for the Holy Spirit to help you pray, to give you the desire to pray, and to intercede for you in those matters where you don't know what to say or where to start. Right now it may feel like you don't know what to say or where to start on ANY matter...which is perhaps where you need to be right now.

Strip away any focus on trying to make sure you do the right things as if they will put you on the right path. Right things flow out of a right heart, not the other way around--and God is the only one who can make your heart right.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

Hi Bro Tyler,

And I say that purposefully as you are my Brother, and you are one of Christs sheep, and your posts seems to support that. I am at work, but am under immense conviction from the Holy Spirit to post this. I'm not sure if it's for you or someone else.

Let me begin by saying you have the exact problem I do when it comes to sexual sin, although arguably I was worse off, that I've also felt the emptiness of what seems to be the Holy Spirit leaving, and I experienced having completely no desire for anything related to God. This may be a long post.

If you're anything like me you know that the software, such as Covenant Eyes, doesn't stop you, people being home doesnt stop you, your own guilt which you feel in the beginning and are eventually numb to by the end (as you rightly point out) doesn't stop you, accountability partners dont stop you because you can always lie by omission, and eventually you feel like a disgusting slug and that's when it gets worse.

At that point you ride what I call the "corkscrew" as you slowly circle down. Just like with drugs the initial high wears off and you have to go for worse and worse filth that unless you've been there you can't imagine. Eventually I, like you, realized how far down the "corkscrew" I was and felt exactly like you did now.

You have to pray to God to start recovery. Nothing fancy, Jesus will intercede as will your grieving soul. If you want to go back to Him, tell Him. The fact that you care what God thinks is evidence of the Holy Spirit not leaving, I had to learn that. He is within you, but you've piled so much trash on Him that He cannot speak. Ask God to remove that trash so you can hear Him again.

Your computer needs to be gone. Give a Brother your power cord. Start asking God to help you reach 1 clean day. Then build on it and ask for 2 clean days, etc. Get involved in the Church again, during sermons ask God to teach you. Ask for forgiveness and He will forgive. The more clean days under your belt, the more your old hunger for Godly things return.

The more clean days you have the less the temptation is, but I personally think it will always remain in our case. If you fall after a streak of clean days, repent asap and start again. Remember proverbs 24:16. Crack open that Bible and look it up . A few clean days is a victory even if you fall again. Dont get discouraged. Keep asking God to help. Keep getting up. Do not stop.

The images will stay in your mind. They will flash up randomly, and they are difficult to unsee. Whenever it happens, stop, pray, repent, mentally cage that thought and reject it. Let God know it doesn't glorify Him, you know it, and you need His help to purify you. Stay busy, get a hobby that tires you out and you wont have energy or time for this kind of sin.

If you have a Christian wife involve her in this war. You have to. Let her know you struggle with sexual sin. Explain it's not her fault as she will initially blame herself.

So get up soldier, get that Spiritual Armor on, let God know you agree your actions are filthy, let Him know you want to change. Then start fighting. It is a long, hard, constant fight, but God will provide strength, Grace and reinforcements.

You're not gone, you're not too far away, the gross things you and I have seen will not scare Jesus away. He's waiting for you to come home. Take that first step and just ask Him to forgive, help and to let the Holy Spirit speak again.

 

[HeirofSalvation]

No, you are not given up on or abandoned. I want to echo what Scarlett and Steven have said.
While I cannot speak to any mental illness etc....that may have something to do with it. Their experiences may be helpful.
But, the reality is, feelings are simply not trustworthy.
If you draw near to Christ, he will draw near to you. That is a promise that you must accept by faith. Simply believe his word and trust that if you seek him with your whole heart, he that began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Trust his timing, not how you feel. It really is a faith issue. Were you hardened beyond redemption, you would not be on this board asking these questions.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

In terms of your questions:
1. I believe yes, but you are not at that point.
2. As you're not yet at this point I wouldn't worry.