Hi, I'm seeking opinions on my divorce. Biblical or not, that is the question.

[Anonymous1]

HI, I'm new here. And really struggling with knowing for certain whether my upcoming divorce is considered biblical or not. I do apologize in advance if this is far too in detailed for this forum (feel free to delete if not allowed). I just feel that you need the details in order to form an accurate opinion on my specific situation.

Here are the circumstances at surrounding my divorce:

• My soon to be ex-husband wrote me a letter back in May, of this year, that basically stated a few things:
  • His sexual desires had changed and that we were no longer sexually compatible.
  • He enjoys watching porn and wants me to accept that he will always watch porn (i.e. by me turning a blind eye and just avoiding the topic altogether). He acknowledged that he knew I felt betrayed when he would watch porn.
  • That he would always have these feelings of staring at and/or fantasizing about other women.
    
  • He wanted to bring another woman into our bedroom and stated that this other woman would just be a "toy or plaything" for us to enjoy together. Stating that by bringing another woman into the bedroom would mean that he isn't running off on his own.
  • That he wanted and enjoys rough sex. (To the point of choking, tying me up, and physically hurting me during sex.)
  • The letter never once mentioned any form of compromise that could be made. Nothing. It was literally presented as take me or leave me.
• The night I received the letter I explained to him that his views were not biblical or acceptable. And that he needed to seek God for help. And that we needed to get into counseling. He ended up agreeing with me that night.
• A little over a month later he came back and basically said that he wanted what he wanted so he felt it was best to get divorced. Note: he never would allow the counseling to take place since I was requesting a christian based counselor. He said that was a one sided view point. Which really makes me question his salvation.
• He moved out July 9th and has since filed for divorce.
• I have since asked him three times if there is any way to seek counseling and attempt reconciliation. He declined all three times.

My questions are:

1. Is this a biblical grounds for divorce for me? I'm in a state where one side can choose to divorce no matter what the other side wants. And for me, it's not that I necessarily want to reconcile this marriage. But I do feel as though I need to do everything I can to uphold my vow and the commitment I made. That includes forgiving him and being willing to reconcile the marriage, which I am okay with attempting. But I also can't force him to want to be repentant and reconcile. I'm being forced to accept this divorce despite my willingness to forgive and attempt reconciliation.
2. Are any of these things listed truly considered adultery? I don't have any proof that he physically cheated on me. I only have the letter to back suspicions.
3. Am I bound to this marriage forever in God's eyes? If not, will I be allowed to remarry again without it being considered adultery for myself/potential future spouse?

 

[xlsdraw]

He is continually committing adultery and fornication in his heart and mind and has pronounced that he will continue to.

He has no Christian concept of marriage and you apparently do. You know that the things he has proposed are ungodly.

Let him proceed with the divorce. Could you ever really trust him again? He could easily choke you out chasing his evil fantasies.

 

[Anonymous1]

He is continually committing adultery and fornication in his heart and mind and has pronounced that he will continue to.

He has no Christian concept of marriage and you apparently do. You know that the things he has proposed are ungodly.

Let him proceed with the divorce. Could you ever really trust him again? He could easily choke you out chasing his evil fantasies.

I fully understand that he is continually committing adultery and fornication mentally. But is mentally committing these acts technically biblical grounds for divorce?

Believe me, I fully acknowledge that getting a divorce it what is best for me in terms of safety and well being. I have counseled with a couple of leaders in the church that I go to and I have received some mixed responses regarding how biblical my divorce is. One telling me that if he were to decide to repent and reconcile then I should pursue that. But I'm not so sure. Long story short is that I am struggling with fully understanding if it's a biblical reason for divorce and whether or not I'll ever even be allowed to marry again someday in God's eyes.

 

[xlsdraw]

Please read and meditate on 1 Corinthians chapter 7. It clearly says that if the unbelieving husband chooses to leave to let him leave.

That appears to be your exact situation.

Prayers for you.

 

[Reynolds]

HI, I'm new here. And really struggling with knowing for certain whether my upcoming divorce is considered biblical or not. I do apologize in advance if this is far too in detailed for this forum (feel free to delete if not allowed). I just feel that you need the details in order to form an accurate opinion on my specific situation.

Here are the circumstances at surrounding my divorce:

• My soon to be ex-husband wrote me a letter back in May, of this year, that basically stated a few things:
  • His sexual desires had changed and that we were no longer sexually compatible.
  • He enjoys watching porn and wants me to accept that he will always watch porn (i.e. by me turning a blind eye and just avoiding the topic altogether). He acknowledged that he knew I felt betrayed when he would watch porn.
  • That he would always have these feelings of staring at and/or fantasizing about other women.
    
  • He wanted to bring another woman into our bedroom and stated that this other woman would just be a "toy or plaything" for us to enjoy together. Stating that by bringing another woman into the bedroom would mean that he isn't running off on his own.
  • That he wanted and enjoys rough sex. (To the point of choking, tying me up, and physically hurting me during sex.)
  • The letter never once mentioned any form of compromise that could be made. Nothing. It was literally presented as take me or leave me.
• The night I received the letter I explained to him that his views were not biblical or acceptable. And that he needed to seek God for help. And that we needed to get into counseling. He ended up agreeing with me that night.
• A little over a month later he came back and basically said that he wanted what he wanted so he felt it was best to get divorced. Note: he never would allow the counseling to take place since I was requesting a christian based counselor. He said that was a one sided view point. Which really makes me question his salvation.
• He moved out July 9th and has since filed for divorce.
• I have since asked him three times if there is any way to seek counseling and attempt reconciliation. He declined all three times.

My questions are:

1. Is this a biblical grounds for divorce for me? I'm in a state where one side can choose to divorce no matter what the other side wants. And for me, it's not that I necessarily want to reconcile this marriage. But I do feel as though I need to do everything I can to uphold my vow and the commitment I made. That includes forgiving him and being willing to reconcile the marriage, which I am okay with attempting. But I also can't force him to want to be repentant and reconcile. I'm being forced to accept this divorce despite my willingness to forgive and attempt reconciliation.
2. Are any of these things listed truly considered adultery? I don't have any proof that he physically cheated on me. I only have the letter to back suspicions.
3. Am I bound to this marriage forever in God's eyes? If not, will I be allowed to remarry again without it being considered adultery for myself/potential future spouse?

Sexual immorality is the Biblical grounds for divorce. You are free to re-marry without adultery.

 

[ezra2020]

HI, I'm new here. And really struggling with knowing for certain whether my upcoming divorce is considered biblical or not. I do apologize in advance if this is far too in detailed for this forum (feel free to delete if not allowed). I just feel that you need the details in order to form an accurate opinion on my specific situation.

Here are the circumstances at surrounding my divorce:

• My soon to be ex-husband wrote me a letter back in May, of this year, that basically stated a few things:
  • His sexual desires had changed and that we were no longer sexually compatible.
  • He enjoys watching porn and wants me to accept that he will always watch porn (i.e. by me turning a blind eye and just avoiding the topic altogether). He acknowledged that he knew I felt betrayed when he would watch porn.
  • That he would always have these feelings of staring at and/or fantasizing about other women.
    
  • He wanted to bring another woman into our bedroom and stated that this other woman would just be a "toy or plaything" for us to enjoy together. Stating that by bringing another woman into the bedroom would mean that he isn't running off on his own.
  • That he wanted and enjoys rough sex. (To the point of choking, tying me up, and physically hurting me during sex.)
  • The letter never once mentioned any form of compromise that could be made. Nothing. It was literally presented as take me or leave me.
• The night I received the letter I explained to him that his views were not biblical or acceptable. And that he needed to seek God for help. And that we needed to get into counseling. He ended up agreeing with me that night.
• A little over a month later he came back and basically said that he wanted what he wanted so he felt it was best to get divorced. Note: he never would allow the counseling to take place since I was requesting a christian based counselor. He said that was a one sided view point. Which really makes me question his salvation.
• He moved out July 9th and has since filed for divorce.
• I have since asked him three times if there is any way to seek counseling and attempt reconciliation. He declined all three times.

My questions are:

1. Is this a biblical grounds for divorce for me? I'm in a state where one side can choose to divorce no matter what the other side wants. And for me, it's not that I necessarily want to reconcile this marriage. But I do feel as though I need to do everything I can to uphold my vow and the commitment I made. That includes forgiving him and being willing to reconcile the marriage, which I am okay with attempting. But I also can't force him to want to be repentant and reconcile. I'm being forced to accept this divorce despite my willingness to forgive and attempt reconciliation.
2. Are any of these things listed truly considered adultery? I don't have any proof that he physically cheated on me. I only have the letter to back suspicions.
3. Am I bound to this marriage forever in God's eyes? If not, will I be allowed to remarry again without it being considered adultery for myself/potential future spouse?

yes Divorce is ok. it falls on him .no you are not bound.. yes you can remarry but make sure its of God , no you will not be committing adultery

 

[agedman]

I must disagree with those who grant some excuse for remarriages.

Letting the husband divorce you is Biblical, however, at no place does that release you from your own vows to God.

Those offering remarriage as approved do not represent the Scriptures correctly in this matter.

Look carefully at both Christ’s and Paul’s statements before you entertain thoughts of remarriage.

 

[ezra2020]

i for one am not granting excuse if the said marriage is abusive he has done stated he has no desire to be sexually active with her, wants her to over look him watching porn all the time.. God does not expect her to stay in that marriage. if she finds a Godly man that will love her as Christ loved the Church..i see no reason after the divorce to get married again. i will suggest a very slow approach to seeking another relationship . don't just jump at anyone . how ever the decision for her to get married again should be between her and the Lord. pray about it don't rush it.make sure it is of GOD not self

 

[atpollard]

[1 Corinthians 7:8-16 NASB]
8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn [with passion.]

• You are not unmarried or a widow, so v.8-9 do not apply to you.

10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11 (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

• YOU should not seek to divorce him and if you do seek to divorce him, then you must remain single. This applies to Christians abandoning non-Christian spouses.
• From your description, you are not seeking the divorce, so v. 10-11 does not apply in this case.

12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.

• This is precisely the situation that appears to apply to you. From your claims, YOU are a "believing wife" with an "unbelieving husband". From your claims, you have attempted to seek counseling and to remain with him. From your claims you have done EXACTLY what was instructed by v. 12-14. I state "from your claims", only because I am not there and only you, your husband and God know the Truth, so that is a matter between you and God and none of my business. I have only to take you at your word.

15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such [cases,] but God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

• Paul says "Let him leave" and "the sister is not under bondage in such cases". That seems pretty clear to me. If the unbeliever leaves, the bond is broken and it falls on head of the unbeliever. Different people will offer their opinions on remarriage. Such is not my place. You will need to pray and find peace with God. Like Paul said ... "God has called us to peace". What is clear from v.15 is that the "believer" is then free from the bond of marriage to the "unbeliever".
• If that is your situation, then the Apostle Paul has already answered your question.

Who am I to argue with Paul.

 

[ezra2020]

[1 Corinthians 7:8-16 NASB]
8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn [with passion.]

• You are not unmarried or a widow, so v.8-9 do not apply to you.

10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11 (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

• YOU should not seek to divorce him and if you do seek to divorce him, then you must remain single. This applies to Christians abandoning non-Christian spouses.
• From your description, you are not seeking the divorce, so v. 10-11 does not apply in this case.

12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.

• This is precisely the situation that appears to apply to you. From your claims, YOU are a "believing wife" with an "unbelieving husband". From your claims, you have attempted to seek counseling and to remain with him. From your claims you have done EXACTLY what was instructed by v. 12-14. I state "from your claims", only because I am not there and only you, your husband and God know the Truth, so that is a matter between you and God and none of my business. I have only to take you at your word.

15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such [cases,] but God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

• Paul says "Let him leave" and "the sister is not under bondage in such cases". That seems pretty clear to me. If the unbeliever leaves, the bond is broken and it falls on head of the unbeliever. Different people will offer their opinions on remarriage. Such is not my place. You will need to pray and find peace with God. Like Paul said ... "God has called us to peace". What is clear from v.15 is that the "believer" is then free from the bond of marriage to the "unbeliever".
• If that is your situation, then the Apostle Paul has already answered your question.

Who am I to argue with Paul.

tell you what let her pray about it and let the Holy spirit guide .her husband done made it know he does not love her . i am not the Holy spirit and neither are you.

 

[righteousdude2]

HI, I'm new here. And really struggling with knowing for certain whether my upcoming divorce is considered biblical or not. I do apologize in advance if this is far too in detailed for this forum (feel free to delete if not allowed). I just feel that you need the details in order to form an accurate opinion on my specific situation.

Here are the circumstances at surrounding my divorce:

• My soon to be ex-husband wrote me a letter back in May, of this year, that basically stated a few things:
  • His sexual desires had changed and that we were no longer sexually compatible.
  • He enjoys watching porn and wants me to accept that he will always watch porn (i.e. by me turning a blind eye and just avoiding the topic altogether). He acknowledged that he knew I felt betrayed when he would watch porn.
  • That he would always have these feelings of staring at and/or fantasizing about other women.
    
  • He wanted to bring another woman into our bedroom and stated that this other woman would just be a "toy or plaything" for us to enjoy together. Stating that by bringing another woman into the bedroom would mean that he isn't running off on his own.
  • That he wanted and enjoys rough sex. (To the point of choking, tying me up, and physically hurting me during sex.)
  • The letter never once mentioned any form of compromise that could be made. Nothing. It was literally presented as take me or leave me.
• The night I received the letter I explained to him that his views were not biblical or acceptable. And that he needed to seek God for help. And that we needed to get into counseling. He ended up agreeing with me that night.
• A little over a month later he came back and basically said that he wanted what he wanted so he felt it was best to get divorced. Note: he never would allow the counseling to take place since I was requesting a christian based counselor. He said that was a one sided view point. Which really makes me question his salvation.
• He moved out July 9th and has since filed for divorce.
• I have since asked him three times if there is any way to seek counseling and attempt reconciliation. He declined all three times.

My questions are:

1. Is this a biblical grounds for divorce for me? I'm in a state where one side can choose to divorce no matter what the other side wants. And for me, it's not that I necessarily want to reconcile this marriage. But I do feel as though I need to do everything I can to uphold my vow and the commitment I made. That includes forgiving him and being willing to reconcile the marriage, which I am okay with attempting. But I also can't force him to want to be repentant and reconcile. I'm being forced to accept this divorce despite my willingness to forgive and attempt reconciliation.
2. Are any of these things listed truly considered adultery? I don't have any proof that he physically cheated on me. I only have the letter to back suspicions.
3. Am I bound to this marriage forever in God's eyes? If not, will I be allowed to remarry again without it being considered adultery for myself/potential future spouse?

I am not going to judge you. Not in anyway, because I have gone through two failed marriages, and once asked others believers the same question you have posed here to members of the board.

I can tell you this. Had I listened to the critics, I'd still be locked and lost in my backward slide. Way too many believers told me how I should re unite with my ex-wife. Trouble is, she initiated the divorce, and left me for another man. That was as hurtful as all the sincere, loving believers and their advice. And had I tried to do anything posed to me in response to my failed marriage, I'd probably have taken my life, and not be here to write and tell you that this path you have had to follow now. You and God will, and definitely YOU and God alone need to work out the answer to your question and how it is going to affect your walk with God.

I learned, and it took one more failed relationship/marriage to discover that divorce is a sin. No larger than, or less than any other sin, with the exception of blasphemy towards the one and only living, loving Father and Author of this universe and all life. What it comes down to kiddo is your praying and seeking an answer directly from the God who saved and sanctified you through His Son. Time will win out in this life dilemma and I promise yu that should you just turn all your energy over to getting that answer and acceptance only from God, then I know, because it took me nearly 20 years to discover, that divorce was a sin. And like any sin, if we repent and permit Him and His lead on this course correction in your life, you will discover the answer that will cleanse your guilt and put you on a course recovery direction that will truly be an eventual lesson in life that only a repentant sinner can understand, and experience as you pick up the pieces and proceed back down that narrow path to glory.

I hope this is of assistance to you at this time and place in your journey down the path, and the course correction. Through repentance. Lots of prayer, I am going on 41 years of marriage to a woman of God. And the ministry I lost and surrendered upon my now ancient marital failing was restored, and it has been awesome, because I not only understand in the heart and intellectual mind, what forgiven is all about. I actually know what it is truly like to be a sinner, who has been saved and restored in everything life has given. In short, I have head knowledge, not book knowledge, of what it means to have been a disgusting, wretched sinner, who came upon the Lord, and discovered what it means to be filthy and disgusting, and FORGIVEN. And I am really grateful for my failings, as they brought me into a personal relationship with the Savior, that book knowledge could never have afforded me.And I am not advocating on behalf of divorce and the right to remarry, but, I'd like to recommend a book by Dr. Smalley titled "the Right too Remarry" It is an interesting read, and it will bless you like you could never imagine.

Pastor Paul

PS - It is not what others think or feel about you following this wound in your heart. It is only something that God, through His word and Holy Spirit can impart upon you. So, look up kiddo, better days are down that narrow path. Just don't permit bitterness. Hatred. And the sting of sin's fallout cause you to lose faith. He is the healer and author of your life and purpose. And I have a feeling that you will develop an awesome testimony to share and impart upon others down the line of life, and if this doesn't bring you closer to god in the need, nothing will.

 

[canadyjd]

In 1Cor. 7:15, Paul says that if a Christian is abandoned by an unbelieving spouse, they are not “bound”.

This is a technical term in Jewish culture. If a person is “bound”, they are prevented. If they are “loosed”, they are allowed. See Romans 7:2 for Paul using “binding” and “loosing” language with regard to marriage.

Paul is telling the Christian that has been abandoned by the unbelieving spouse, they are not bound to the marriage.

Based on your statements, you are free to remarry, according to Paul’s statement in 1 Cor. 7:15.

peace to you

 

[Revmitchell]

HI, I'm new here. And really struggling with knowing for certain whether my upcoming divorce is considered biblical or not. I do apologize in advance if this is far too in detailed for this forum (feel free to delete if not allowed). I just feel that you need the details in order to form an accurate opinion on my specific situation.

Here are the circumstances at surrounding my divorce:

• My soon to be ex-husband wrote me a letter back in May, of this year, that basically stated a few things:
  • His sexual desires had changed and that we were no longer sexually compatible.
  • He enjoys watching porn and wants me to accept that he will always watch porn (i.e. by me turning a blind eye and just avoiding the topic altogether). He acknowledged that he knew I felt betrayed when he would watch porn.
  • That he would always have these feelings of staring at and/or fantasizing about other women.
    
  • He wanted to bring another woman into our bedroom and stated that this other woman would just be a "toy or plaything" for us to enjoy together. Stating that by bringing another woman into the bedroom would mean that he isn't running off on his own.
  • That he wanted and enjoys rough sex. (To the point of choking, tying me up, and physically hurting me during sex.)
  • The letter never once mentioned any form of compromise that could be made. Nothing. It was literally presented as take me or leave me.
• The night I received the letter I explained to him that his views were not biblical or acceptable. And that he needed to seek God for help. And that we needed to get into counseling. He ended up agreeing with me that night.
• A little over a month later he came back and basically said that he wanted what he wanted so he felt it was best to get divorced. Note: he never would allow the counseling to take place since I was requesting a christian based counselor. He said that was a one sided view point. Which really makes me question his salvation.
• He moved out July 9th and has since filed for divorce.
• I have since asked him three times if there is any way to seek counseling and attempt reconciliation. He declined all three times.

My questions are:

1. Is this a biblical grounds for divorce for me? I'm in a state where one side can choose to divorce no matter what the other side wants. And for me, it's not that I necessarily want to reconcile this marriage. But I do feel as though I need to do everything I can to uphold my vow and the commitment I made. That includes forgiving him and being willing to reconcile the marriage, which I am okay with attempting. But I also can't force him to want to be repentant and reconcile. I'm being forced to accept this divorce despite my willingness to forgive and attempt reconciliation.
2. Are any of these things listed truly considered adultery? I don't have any proof that he physically cheated on me. I only have the letter to back suspicions.
3. Am I bound to this marriage forever in God's eyes? If not, will I be allowed to remarry again without it being considered adultery for myself/potential future spouse?

I didnt get thru them all and I can tell you a divorce is biblical. Run away as fast as you can. Further those saying you cannot remarry do not represent God. They mean well but have an errant view. The very thing that releases you to get divorced is the very thing that releases you to remarry

 

[Yeshua1]

I must disagree with those who grant some excuse for remarriages.

Letting the husband divorce you is Biblical, however, at no place does that release you from your own vows to God.

Those offering remarriage as approved do not represent the Scriptures correctly in this matter.

Look carefully at both Christ’s and Paul’s statements before you entertain thoughts of remarriage.

Her husband has both deserted her as the wife, and has been committing adultery in his mind and spirit, so biblical grounds for her to have him divorcee her, and is now free to remarry in the lord!

 

[agedman]

Her husband has both deserted her as the wife, and has been committing adultery in his mind and spirit, so biblical grounds for her to have him divorcee her, and is now free to remarry in the lord!

Nope.

The Scriptures give no such permission.

That was the out Henry the 8th desired and conspired, but it was never really Scripture based.

 

[Yeshua1]

Nope.

The Scriptures give no such permission.

That was the out Henry the 8th desired and conspired, but it was never really Scripture based.

Jesus gave the clause for adultery, and Paul added desertion!

 

[agedman]

Jesus gave the clause for adultery, and Paul added desertion!

Yep, Jesus was in discussion with a Jewish audience that understood the marriage (example, Joseph will to put her away privately, was told by the angel to accept Mary as His wife, but not to touch her until after the birth of the child)
Paul was in discussion with believers (Jew and Gentile) and the divorce by an unbeliever was allowed, but remarriage was not.

“Not under” does not mean freedom to be enjoined to another.


If the believer remarries, they commit adultery.

 

[Yeshua1]

Yep, Jesus was in discussion with a Jewish audience that understood the marriage (example, Joseph will to put her away privately, was told by the angel to accept Mary as His wife, but not to touch her until after the birth of the child)
Paul was in discussion with believers (Jew and Gentile) and the divorce by an unbeliever was allowed, but remarriage was not.

“Not under” does not mean freedom to be enjoined to another.


If the believer remarries, they commit adultery.

No, in both cases free to remarry, but only in the Lord!

 

[agedman]

No, in both cases free to remarry, but only in the Lord!

Not in agreement with the Scriptures.

 

[Yeshua1]

Not in agreement with the Scriptures.

So you disagree with both jesus and paul?