How do you spot legalistic, abusive churches?

When I first moved to this area, a set of circumstances occurred that told me I was supposed to be in a certain church. I called some pastor friends of mine to see if they knew anything about the pastor of this church; one of them did, and it wasn't good. This pastor friend of mine, however, told me that the situation had occurred 10-15 years ago, and a lot of things change in that amount of time.

My wife wasn't comfortable. I had a feeling. I ignored all that, and my family joined that church. Seven months later, we left, and man, were we devastated by all that happened with that leaving.

My advice? Talk thoroughly with your wife and children. If they're not comfortable, explore why. If you're not completely sold that it's the place for you, get on your knees and ask why not. If you know something about the pastor, bring it up to them, and discuss it thoroughly (I only did this halfway; was told by this man that yeah, he had wronged my pastor friend, and that he should apologize. I never followed up after that, and later found that he never did. I should have gotten my pastor friend on the phone right then and there and got the two of them to talk to each other; I have a feeling I would have learned a world of things about that man in just that one action).

I'm about to move again, come this March. Searching for a new church is not easy. I'm creating a list of about 20-25 questions. It helps me solidify biblically where I stand on certain things, and allows me to ask pastors and church members certain things when I start visiting churches.

Above all things, PRAY, PRAY, and then PRAY some more.

Oh, and we learned a lot, too--like you, just not the things we thought we were there to learn. I sincerely look on this experience as a huge silver cloud. I've learned so much about proper church administration, dealing with pastors and congregations, and many other little lessons that will be invaluable as I continue to progress through my Christian life.

I'm betting you feel the same way.

[ December 05, 2002, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: Don ]

 

A church that forbids women from wearing pants for biblical reasons is spiritually abusive.

However, churches that have dress restrictions in church out of tradition of that denomination and that's fine with me. For example, wearing a yamulka in a Jewish temple, or wearing of Salvationist uniforms in a Salvation Army Church.

 

HI Jesse,

I have bumped a couple of threads that go along with what you have said; Baptist Theology-Leaving a church and Baptist Denomination-Good and Bad things about IFB churches.

 

First, very few churches actually "forbid" women to wear pants. Many teach on modesty and explain that pants may not be the most modest clothing for a woman to wear.

Secondly, if they "forbid" for "biblical reasons," how can that be "spiritually abusive." If it's biblical, it has the endorsement of the Holy Spirit.

 

I was reared in the church which I found, in later
years, to be problematic in that manner. It was
an organization with a number of tightly-woven
churches in several cities in the States, Canada,
Norway, Sweden, and in several countries in both
Africa and the USSR areas. In other words, when
one attended one of these church, especially in
the US and Canada it was the same as the other
churches.

I say all that, because I attended that church in a
number of cities around the States and was
basically quite happy in them, until I moved here.

I came here upon marrying my husband 15.5 years
ago, and the first time I was in that church, I just
wanted to run back out the door. In the 60s, we
called what I felt "negative vibes," but these shook
me to the core. I could hardly wait to go home!
I knew immediately that I never wanted to return,
that something was wrong. But I had just married;
How could I tell my new husband that his church
was ROTTEN to the core?

So, against my intuition, I stayed, and it did not
take long for the ugliness to start. I am not going
into detail, but the things that happened were
horrid, ungodly, evil, and they tore our combined
family apart. I got my children back and my hus-
band got his son back, but his daughter never
returned; she remains totally detached from the
family. I have never said this before, but we were
told not to come to her wedding and we still have
not seen a photo of our granddaughter.

So, my fortune was that I started going to a
Baptist-based synagogue on the side, while
still attending there, fulfilling all my duties. I
could do this while attending that church regu-
larly, because the service times and days were
different. This was very fortunate for me, be-
cause after I had been attending the synagogue
for @ 7 years (although not real regularly), the
church excommunicated me. I did not have to
look for a place to go--I just immediately joined
the synagogue.

My husband, however, was not excommunicated.
He continued to attend there, but in just under a
year--no, I guess it was really 7 months later, he
left. He attended two churches for a bit, settling
into the third--a Nazarene church.

The thing that drew me to the synagogue initially
was the way the pastors made themselves vul-
nerable to scrutiny in both their service as pastors
and in their personal lives. Nothing is hidden.
Criticism is accepted and dealt with. All sermons
are open for immediate public correction. If a
person has a question or criticismduring a ser-
mon, a microphone is given them, and it is dealt
with immediately. i know this would be unnerving
to most speakers, but after the false teaching I
had dealt with, this was fresh air to me.

So, for me, the most important thing is for the
leaders to make themselves accountable to the
congregation, rather than all the emphasis
being placed on the members being accountable
to the leaders while they remain untouchable--
high and lifted up.

[ December 06, 2002, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Abiyah ]

 

Secondly, if they "forbid" for "biblical reasons," how can that be "spiritually abusive." If it's biblical, it has the endorsement of the Holy Spirit.

Are you saying that forbidding women from wearing pants is not abusive, if they can back it up with scripture, even if you or I don't agree with their interpretation of scripture?

 

There's a good article here about abusive churches: http://www.antithesis.com/info_desk/faq_healthy_fellowship.html

Hope this helps