Insecurity and doubt and Satan attacks!

This rears its ugly head in my life from time to time, and most often in the past year since I made the commitment to join the church and become an active member.

My church is small and everyone knows who I am. No one but a few knows me, because everytime people stop to talk to me I get nervous and clam up. Nothing earth shattering. I am still polite, but my converstation skills are not good when I want to make friends.

I guess one of the big things that bothers me is that I really love to talk to the pastors wife and can chat with her all day, but the pastor I can only say, "Hi, how are you". I totally freeze. This is actually OK in a way, since all my life I have developed "crushes" on men of authority in my life. So part of me is glad that is all I get from the pastor...the other part is sad because everyone else seems to know him so well.

Now, I know that some of this is my social skills. I come from a family of introverts, and if you are not an introvert, you won't understand why making friends is hard. I am 34, have two small boys, one with special needs, and attend church alone, without my DH. Aside from the few minutes I chat with the pastors wife, I have no friends. It bothers me that I have no personal friends in my beloved church! Of course I love them all, and we are all friends, but I wish someone would want to know ME.

And there lies the Satan attacking. Everytime I get to wondering why I am having a hard time making friends, I get all these horrible thoughts. Like: they only tolerate me because I am part of the body of Christ. And: They scorn the fact that I choose to continue with my childrens' bedtime routine instead of going to evening services (childcare is not provided). Or this kicker: They know some of your past and do not want you, really. I feel like he attacks whenever I start getting deeper into the Christian life. At the time of my baptism last year I was a basket case, LOL. This past few weeks has been one of prayer, since my husband has agreed to go to church Easter Sunday. He hasn't gone to church in years.

Am I the only Christian out there that has trouble making friends? I know that I am not...my mother and I have discussed this and she has lived the same life without friends for over 40 years now. I hurt for her just as I am starting to hurt for me!

I keep asking God to help me find another woman friend, but I haven't heard back from this prayer in about 4 years. So maybe I am supposed to try on my own. Maybe He wants me to stick a foot out. How do I do that? Better yet...how would YOU do it?

Thanks for reading all of this if you got this far. Believe me, I feel better already, just getting it out to other believers. It usually happens that way.