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Is sending a church member a letter cowardly?

Discussion in 'Pastoral Ministries' started by hamricba, Oct 11, 2005.

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  1. hamricba

    hamricba New Member

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    I need some help.

    2 men in our church are involved in conflict. One made false accusations of the other. The other in turn got angry, but I don't think he sinned in his anger (he said "Wait a minute" forcefully, then left). The man who got angry thought he had violated 1 Cor. 13:5, and wrote a letter of apology. It was never acknowledged. He in turn contacted me and said we needed to call a meeting in response to Matthew 18.

    I approached the alleged false accuser and he was very reluctant to meet. He barely acknowledged to me getting a letter from the other man. He did not act like had forgiven him, and then spouted off a bunch of suspicions he had about him (none of which are rooted in fact). Anyway, he said he would think about meeting with him (at first he was dead against it).

    I gave him a week, and never heard back from him. The Lord convinced me on Heb. 13:17 that since I will give account for their souls, we need to meet and be obedient to the Lord's directives in Matthew 18. I wrote both men the same letter, one page, and I also included some pastoral concerns in a separate letter to the alleged false accuser. I did not accuse him of anything, but I did explain why we needed to meet.

    Part of the reason I sent a letter is because this person does not listen well and would likely have tried to argue with me about it.

    Well, not only did the alleged false accuser not show for the meeting, he stormed in my office an hour after it was supposed to happen, asking why I couldn't talk to him like a man face to face about it, why I sent him a letter. I invited him to sit down with me right then and there and talk, and he refused (he is retired, so he had the time).

    Just looking for some counsel from you all about sending your members letters. What do you think? Hope I've given you enough background.
     
    #1 hamricba, Oct 11, 2005
  2. Pastor Larry

    Pastor Larry <b>Moderator</b>
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    Letters are not cowardly, though they can be. They are good ways to document things for future reference. Of course, documentation works both ways so be careful what you say. You should have pointed out to the man who showed up late and then refused to talk that that was precisely the reason you sent him a letter ... He won't respond in personal conversation.
     
    #2 Pastor Larry, Oct 11, 2005
  3. hamricba

    hamricba New Member

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    What would be an example of a cowardly letter?
     
    #3 hamricba, Oct 11, 2005
  4. hamricba

    hamricba New Member

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    Terminating an employee?
     
    #4 hamricba, Oct 11, 2005
  5. Johnv

    Johnv New Member

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    I'm trying to figure out how you got in the middle of it in the first place. I'd tell the two of them to work it out between themselves, and to keep other people out if it until they do.

    Just my $.02
     
    #5 Johnv, Oct 11, 2005
  6. Johnv

    Johnv New Member

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    Any letter that is sent for the purpose of not having to face the person is a cowardly letter.
     
    #6 Johnv, Oct 11, 2005
  7. hamricba

    hamricba New Member

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    I felt like they had exhausted that possibility. Some minor things were said that indicated they (or at least one of them) was unwilling to communicate with the other. I agree with you about staying out of something if at all possible. I gave them a month between initial conflict and this meeting I called.
     
    #7 hamricba, Oct 11, 2005
  8. Johnv

    Johnv New Member

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    No disrespect, but I'm still at a loss as to how you got in the middle.
     
    #8 Johnv, Oct 11, 2005
  9. hamricba

    hamricba New Member

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    I became the "one or two others" mentioned in Matthew 18:15-17, when communication ceased between these two men.

    Or you at a loss as to why I was attacked by one of them?

    John, if you feel I acted wrongly, could you offer some friendly criticism as to how else it could have been handled?
     
    #9 hamricba, Oct 11, 2005
  10. Johnv

    Johnv New Member

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    If you were attacked as a third party, then address the attack. Without specifics, I'm still unclear as to how you got to be in the middle.
     
    #10 Johnv, Oct 12, 2005
  11. Plain Old Bill

    Plain Old Bill New Member

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    Remember there are going to be times that no matter what you do or don't do you won't win. I know winning is not your goal and that you would like to see these two reconciled to each other, if it is going to happen it will over time.Perhaps there is more to this then meets the eye.Only these two gentlemen know the answer to that question.I would right or wrong apologize to the offended party and tell him it was not my attention to avoid ,insult or anger him.Then pray.
     
    #11 Plain Old Bill, Oct 13, 2005
  12. guitarpreacher

    guitarpreacher New Member

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    Actually, I think the letter might be the better way to go. If you have one or more who are not acting as Christians, it can be a very good thing to have your conversations documented. Right now in my life there is one person who I will not have a private conversation with. I will only exchange emails, letters, or have a third party present when we talk.

    As for me personally, I'm a lot better at organizing my thoughts and writing them out than I am at speaking them. So if it's an important message I want to get across, I'll more times than not put it in a letter or email. Others may be more comfortable speaking than writing.
     
    #12 guitarpreacher, Oct 13, 2005
  13. Deacon

    Deacon Well-Known Member
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    Church discipline is rarely easy. More often than not the offender knows that they have done wrong and attempts to thwart discipline in one way or another.

    Often it becomes difficult or near impossible to meet with the person privately or in a small group.

    I think sending a letter was a very appropriate response to his inaction.

    Rob
     
    #13 Deacon, Oct 13, 2005
  14. SaggyWoman

    SaggyWoman Active Member

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    They are good for documentation and to send out information.

    BUT.

    It's time for face to face. The guy who is spouting, though, doesn't sound like he would respond to much of anything.
     
    #14 SaggyWoman, Oct 13, 2005
  15. MikeinGhana

    MikeinGhana New Member

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    As it has been mentioned above, a letter is cowardly when it is for the purpose of avoiding confrontation. It is also cowardly if you would say something in a letter you would not in a face to face meeting. A letter can be perceived as a threat if it is not done properly and followed up with a Christlike face to face.
     
    #15 MikeinGhana, Oct 14, 2005
  16. hamricba

    hamricba New Member

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    Thanks everyone for the feedback. I felt like I WAS being respectful to both by explaining our need for meeting. And it was to produce the confrontation meeting, not avoid it altogether.
     
    #16 hamricba, Oct 14, 2005
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