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Ladies, I need ya'll's advice.

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by El_Guero, Oct 6, 2006.

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  1. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    Ladies, I need ya'll's advice.

    Not so good background:

    Before we go further, I will mention the man's problems and then let's agree to drop that from the discussion . . . OK? I don't the thread to become offensive . . .

    OK, I am counseling a young man that is having marital problems. Yes, he is actively contributing to his problems with pornography . . . we have mentioned the greatest of his sins - let's leave that at that?

    Background

    Here is the purpose of the thread . . . I am a single man pastoring a small group of believers. I do not believe that I should bring this other family into my group that I pastor. (1) they have a 'pastor' (2) they would need a little healing first. So, I will be limited in what accountability and advice that I can offer him. I do feel a moral obligation because their current 'pastor' is going through a divorce.

    It seems that he and his wife would be willing to undergo 'therapy' or 'biblical counseling' and it does not seem that money would be an 'issue'.

    Her father was not as faithful as he should have been. And she endured a trauma from a man in her teens. So she is dealing with real trust issues as well.
     
    #1 El_Guero, Oct 6, 2006
  2. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    The Question

    What do I need to lead him to do? How does he need to love his wife to give her the assurance that she can move past the fears of her past and genuinely trust and love him? Naturally, as a man he wants (needs) things to do.

    But, also how does he need to feel to help alleviate her fears?

    I think that he has a major uphill battle before him, and he wants it to be an 'easy button' kinda thing. I have already suggested:

    1. 6 months to a year of no seminary and no extra work (yes, he is working on a second career and taking a seminary class - they both want to be in ministry).

    2. Find a godly pastoral team that can minister to them.

    3. Do things for her daily to fill her love tank. Especially, stay away from his bad behavior.
     
    #2 El_Guero, Oct 6, 2006
  3. Scarlett O.

    Scarlett O. Moderator
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    I can't advise them because I don't know them and the particulars. And in some respects, the particulars do matter...did he confess to her? Did she "catch" him? That type of thing.

    But I can advise you. If you are looking for christian-based, biblical help, then go to Google and type in "christians overcoming pornography addiction".

    I just did that to see what popped up. There are countless websites offering help for healing of christian people and their relationships who have been a victim of this type of bondage. I suggest that you just do a little studying on your own from the christian experts and see what applies to this particular couple.

    Granted, not everything labeled as "christian" would be worth its salt, but it would be worth your while investigating what others say is helpful, biblical information for these tragic circumstances.

    Just one thing I would say that is of a general piece of advice.

    People, whether they be men or women, who are caught up in pornography, believe that because it is a "secret" from their spouse or from the world that there's no harm to anyone.

    And sometimes men are prone to say, "but it has nothing to do with how I feel about my wife." And that may really be true in his eyes. Many times, men can separate the two. And sometimes, when they stop the bad behavior, they feel that it's all ok.

    But in her eyes, it isn't that way. In her eyes, it has everything to do with her. She must somehow be "defective" if he cannot be fulfilled simply with her.

    You said that she experienced a father who was not faithful and had a bad "experience" as a teen with a man.

    Well, she seems to be following a pattern here. This is very, very common in women. And these women experience great confusion, shame, and fear. And it's deeply rooted. And trusting him again is going to depend just as much on her learning to respect herself and seeing herself as a valuable human being as it is on his stopping the immoral behavior.

    As I said, I cannot advise them, but you should really be seeing what the christian experts have to say about healing marriages.

    My prayers for him. My prayers for her. My prayers for you as their counselor.

     
    #3 Scarlett O., Oct 6, 2006
  4. Gina B

    Gina B Active Member

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    1. Quit using so many of those quote/unquote thingies when you talk to them, if you do that weird finger thing while you talk. You don't want to cause them any more stress. :tongue3:

    2. There's not much he can do. What he does NOT do will help to a degree. She has fear and mistrust for him now. That is HER problem. She has to learn to get over that. The one who helped cause it isn't the one to look to in order to help solve this one, no matter how odd that sounds. Actually not that odd if you think about it. If a doctor picked up a chair and threw it at you, would you then sit down and allow him to tend to the wounds? Trust is extremely personal and in someone who has trusted and had that trust abused anyhow, it's shaken easily enough to start with and in this case it was trampled . An unfair expectation, unwarranted criticism, a harsh word, or even a slight withdrawal of affection is going to send her back a step or two or five, depending on the circumstances. (that's the worst part of having trust broken...the other person does it and you have to fix it yourself and be in the wrong if you don't! Unfair but true)

    3. There is no one pastor or church. There is an expectation of other Christians and things we disassociate from others for a certain time over (until they become repentent), so I'm a bit disturbed by the idea that they couldn't be part of your group at this time. You don't have your own group. You were entrusted with the task of providing guidance to Christians. If this couple feels more comfortable with you than with the struggling pastor they are with now, who are you to deny them? I have read nothing that states a repentant previous sinner seeking to do right should be accepted to a lesser degree than another Christian.
     
    #4 Gina B, Oct 6, 2006
  5. Gina B

    Gina B Active Member

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    PS

    I didn't mean to sound as cold as it sounds when I read my post again.

    How do I fix that? I don't know. Feel free to reword it in a kinder, gentler way as you read it, and add a flower or fluffy bunny graemlin thingie, ok? :saint:
     
    #5 Gina B, Oct 6, 2006
  6. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    Gina,

    After throwing the chair at me, I think I will go eslewhere for fixing the wounds . . .

    ;)

    OK - sounds really good . . . especially the "he can't fix, he's gotta quit breaking things" . . . I guess it is almost like breaking china when you're a kid . . . ya' can want to fix it realllllllly reeeeeaaaally bad, but it is broke . . .

    About not being in my group . . . that is a temporary condition . . . I do not want to encourage him to 'change pastors' and him feel that is a 'quick fix'. I am not excluding, I am continuing to protect himself from himself . . . Sound better?
     
    #6 El_Guero, Oct 6, 2006
  7. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    Scarlett

    Fer advice ya' can't give, ya' did pretty durn good.

    Wayne

     
    #7 El_Guero, Oct 6, 2006
  8. mcdirector

    mcdirector Active Member

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    He's got to take care of his issues first. Their marriage will never be what it should be as long as either one of them is committed to any kind of sin.

    Once that's happened, he does need to love her and show her love, BUT he cannot fix this for her. I'm not even sure he can help her through it. He loves her, he shows her he loves her, he loves her, he shows it and he keeps it up. She's got to turn her issues over to God and trust that her husband is going to love her, not abuse her, not leave her, love her unconditionally. She and God are the only ones that can work this out.
     
    #8 mcdirector, Oct 6, 2006
  9. LeBuick

    LeBuick New Member

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    He needs to repent and put his life in the Lords hands. The Lord has fixed worst than this.
     
    #9 LeBuick, Oct 6, 2006
  10. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    GREAT!!!

    I just came back from his house and checked the internet software to help him on this.

    God, His timing, repentance, obedience, and whew! I will be tired by the time this is all done and over with.

    ;)
     
    #10 El_Guero, Oct 6, 2006
  11. Gina B

    Gina B Active Member

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    Yep, sounds better! You're off the hook. :thumbs:
     
    #11 Gina B, Oct 6, 2006
  12. TaterTot

    TaterTot Guest

    Maybe I just misread the OP, (I am a little tired), but it looked to me as if you were saying...Here's this couple. He has this liitle "problem" but lets dont mention that b/c he is working on it. Now, SHE has this issue and this issue, how do I get her to trust him, etc...

    I have a friend who's husband had an issue with pornography, and I can tell you only how it devastated their marriage - MINUS the issues this other woman you are talking about has. So trust is going to be a huge factor, for a very long time. There is no quick fix.

    God bless you as you help these precious folks.
     
    #12 TaterTot, Oct 6, 2006
  13. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    Tater

    I do not think that you have misread the OP . . . I think you are right. He wants a quick fix (naturally). And he must learn how to lead her to trust him (again? - first time?). When you place two damaged people together, the cracks are sometimes more visible.

    They need to super glue everything with Jesus and the Holy Spirit!

    God bless

    Wayne

     
    #13 El_Guero, Oct 7, 2006
  14. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    More information/question

    OK . . .

    If I am reading this correctly: he cannot fix her; and she cannot fix him. However, they both must work together to grow in Christ . . . am I getting this better?

    :saint:

    Have any of ya'll read Every Woman's Battle? I feel that might be a good book for them to work through. I know that Every Man's Battle is too strong on the only problem is a man's misapplication of desire . . . that is a problem, because one of the problems is his 'hurry'. This fix needs to be a life long Christ centered fix . . . IMHO.

    :type:
     
    #14 El_Guero, Oct 7, 2006
  15. mcdirector

    mcdirector Active Member

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    Yes, you are getting it :thumbsup:

    I haven't read it. I have processed it and have it in the library. If you don't get any yesses, I'll check it out and scan it if you'd like.
     
    #15 mcdirector, Oct 7, 2006
  16. Scarlett O.

    Scarlett O. Moderator
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    I don't know, El_Guero.

    Every Woman's Battle by S. Ethridge is about sexual tempations that women have to overcome. It's about keeping your sexual integrity both in and out of a marriage....single women being pure and married women not being unfaithful.

    I thought their problems stemmed from his pornagraphy addiction.

    Look at this site that tells about the book.

    http://www.shannonethridge.com/book/everywomansbattle.shtml
     
    #16 Scarlett O., Oct 7, 2006
  17. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    Scarlett

    Having read the book, I was looking for the opinions of women that had read the book.

    It deals with why a woman has difficulty supporting her husband (much more than just sexuality). Personally, I found it to be significantly better than Every Man's Battle, because it dealt with more than just the physical.

    But, would a woman see it that way?
     
    #17 El_Guero, Oct 7, 2006
  18. Bob Farnaby

    Bob Farnaby Active Member
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    Being a little brutal, step one in repairing the relationship is to stop the act of breaking it. So, step one is to stop using/being involved with the porography. Until that happens there is no step two...

    Regards
    Bob
     
    #18 Bob Farnaby, Oct 9, 2006
  19. El_Guero

    El_Guero New Member

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    Sounds realistic.

    I know that blaming each other for the stresses of a relationship and using those as a game for upping the ante . . . is just wrong.

    I haven't met with her yet, I want him to get himself under control first.
     
    #19 El_Guero, Oct 9, 2006
  20. Mary Diana Lynn Harper

    Mary Diana Lynn Harper New Member

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    give it to God

    Tell the fellow that if he really wants this marriage to mend, He must give it to God and follow what God wants for him. His first step, should of been going to God and than his wife. God will help him, but he must be willing to be repramanded by God before his marriage to mend. Than God wants you to lift this couple up in prayer. Lots of people need prayer and sounds to me like they need prayer badly. Remember a marriage is never having to say your sorry, but it helps when you have misplaced something so precious as forgiveness. Lots of people, married misplace that word. God, love and forgiveness is the first step to a lasting relationship together. Tell him to remember to pray together as one with God. For God made them male and female. :praying:
     
    #20 Mary Diana Lynn Harper, Oct 15, 2006
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