learning to deal with boyfriends past sexual sins

Hmm. What is it, specifically, that bothers you? I've heard others ask this question, and it always confuses me, mainly because I don't know what about the sexual past bothers them. Or is it just the fact that there is a past at all?

 

Well, I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me. My boyfriend isn't a virgin and I've known that since I met him a couple years ago - and until a few months ago, we were nothing but acquantainces with no romantic interest. He was with the other girl until New Years anyway - he'd known for a while that it did have to end but wasn't... courageous enough to do it, I guess.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago he asked me if it bothered me that he wasn't a virgin. It used to, because I was always wondering if deep down he was wanting me to have sex with him, and the uncertainty was bugging me. It doesn't anymore though, because he and I both know that sex is not part of our relationship, nor will it be. As for the ex-girlfriend, I think of it this way. Everyone does things they know they are wrong. I've lied to people, stolen, had every kind of bad attitude there is, and far too many to listen. My nature is completely sinful. He's no different. So that's what I told him... doesn't bother me because I'm not going to pretend that I am the least bit better. He was a bit relieved and said most people that know about it said that they felt he was cheating his wife. As to that, I said I don't know, maybe you did and maybe you didn't, that's not for me to say. But I'm not going to put him in a special immoral box because he's committed one particular sin that I haven't (at least in action, only God knows how many times I've been lustful - that's another point too). Anyway, so that's how I feel.

I learned the easy way about sex, he learned the hard way. Neither way is to be despised - maybe he would not have learned the easy way, and so it had to the hard way. That's not to say that one shouldn't be careful, or downplay it - just that we shouldn't have a separate especially bad category for sex. That sin is against his own body, not mine. Besides, he realizes now what Paul says about with the comfort you have received you can comfort others going through the same things.

In the end, I'd say if your boyfriend has recognized that what he did was wrong, learned from it, and values those lessons, then I say praise God for that.

 

What does your father think of this man? Does he approve of this man for you? I would listen to what your father says.

If your father is not involved or is not a Christian, I would find a godly older man, perhaps a Pastor to help you in this situation. It really is safer to have a godly older man help you with this.

 

I agree with much of what blush had to say, particularly these pieces: "I'm not going to put him in a special immoral box because he's committed one particular sin that I haven't" and "we shouldn't have a separate especially bad category for sex."

I've dated men with sexual histories, certainly, and it hasn't bothered me, but maybe that's because I have a history of my own. Maybe.

I don't have any sage advice on how to get past it, because I'm kinda baffled that it is a problem. He has repented of sin and come to Christ, has he not? People's pasts are things we have to either take or leave.

I'm inclined to say that it goes beyond just the extensive history, and I suggest you go a little further and figure out why the extensive history bothers you. Do you feel cheated? Do you feel like he has expectations of you? Are you intimidated by his experience? A little insecure about the relationship? A little insecure about yourself (I'm thinking here about comparisons we women tend to make between ourselves and the past women our men have dated, whether or nt we even know these women)?

I think if you can really pin down the specifics of it, you'll find it easier to deal with, mainly because you'll have a better idea of what you need to deal with.

 

"The one girl that I know of is very pretty and I could never measure up to her. I feel like I am not good enough. I have never had a problem with jealousy.......until now. It is a miserable feeling to know that you can never be as good as your boyfriends ex's."
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I understand these feelings, but stop and think about it. Who is he with now? If you feel you're not good enough and can't measure up - why has he chosen you for his girlfriend? If what you say is true, (not being good enough, etc.), then why isn't he still with the other one? Or still looking around? If you didn't know about his past, would there be any reason for you to suspect that he thinks you aren't pretty enough, or good enough for him? Probably not. But, because you do know, it's making you worry about that. I think that's part of being female , but realize that you shouldn't carry it so far that it makes you and/or him miserable. Probably, as time passes and your relationship grows, you'll get over this. If not, then, you may need to make a decision about the relationship you have with him, and whether it's in the best interest for either one of you to let it continue. By all means, let him know, that you're not holding his past against him, but that it is something in yourself that you're battling with. Hopefully, it will get better.

 

At least you're honest about it.

But maybe you shouldn't be with him. If you're not able to move on, and it's going to make you this miserable and upset, your relationship will be affected. He shouldn't have to suffer because of your problem, and it is your problem. Unless or until you can work it out with yourself, it might be best to part ways.

 

I am curious. Just how did you learn about his past. Did he tell you? Did he brag about it? Did he confess it to you to ease his conscience? Did his ex girlfriend tell you? You have known him for a long time?

Are you afraid of what he expects of you?

I would consider all of the above in making my decision.

This is very difficult and only you can decide what is best for you. Feelings of insecurity can ruin a relationship.

When I married my first husband, I didn't want know if he had had sex with anyone before me and I never asked. I felt that was in his past.

The only advice I know to give you is that you need to resolve your feelings before you continue with this relationship because it will certainly not get any better if you marry. These thoughts will always nag at you unless you deal with it now.

 

I think I would run not just walk away from this guy. I would be afraid I could never trust him to be true to me.But don't do as I would do or even take my advice. I am nearly old enough to be your grandmother, therefore, I don't always understand the younger generation. You will need to pray and make this decision with God.

A lighter note: Your birthday is the same as my niece and my granddaughter.

 

If it's any comfort, I think my boyfriend might be the same, so maybe this will help. Not being regretful doesn't mean that he thought it was fine or that he would do it again. Like I mentioned earlier, I learned a lot of things the easy way, and my boyfriend learned the hard way. He knows it wasn't right and he's not going to do it again, but then again, he's learned a lot of lessons and saw good things come out of what he did wrong. That's why he doesn't regret it... does that make sense? I have other friends who are like that too... one of my really good guy friends (more like my big brother really) has a lot of stuff in his past, and even though he knows it was sin and saw how God did bring him out of it, he wouldn't trade it for the world, because now he can help guys who are going through the same thing. Anyway, maybe that reassures you that lack of regret doesn't translate into condonement.

 

It makes sense to me, blush. I was going to say something similar. I can't say I regret any of my past, because I don't. Do I wish I'd not done some of the things I've done? Sort of, but not really. I've explained this before on these boards, but it's been a while. I'll try to do it again. The bad choices I've made are part of me, and the repercussions of those bad choices are also part of me. We are shaped by our history, both the good and bad parts of it. For me to truly wish I'd never done things I've done would be to regret my life, and to wish I weren't who I am. I'm happy with the person I am, and I accept that I am who I am (not Popeye ) because of my experiences, good and bad.

It's more a matter of accepting my own past for what it is, not necessarily being proud of bad choices I've made. I don't know how my life would be different had I travelled a different path. I think it's potentially emotionally dangerous to start thinking about it, really.

There may also be a pride issue involved with your boyfriend. He may, indeed, regret some of his choices, and it's his shame that makes him appear otherwise. It's one thing to humble ourselves before God, but it's actually harder (I think, anyway) to humble ourselves to other people.

 

Very good post, Kelly. I think it would be very unhealthy for us to go back over the things in our past and regret most of them. We continue to learn and grow as we age. I knew a younger person would be more perceptive to the feelings of this young man.

URGALPAL, sometimes we just have to make a decision and go with it no matter what other people think. Give it some thought and pray, pray, pray. This young man is a Christian and that is good.

 

Betty, you're so gracious.

I think that's really the bottom line.

 

I totally agree HCL. It is easy for people on here to give you advice galpal; but we don't have to suffer the consequences if we're wrong...you do.

Go to your Pastor. He knows you and your boyfriend and he will give you Godly advice. He is much more capable of this than we are because he knows both of you and I am sure he has dealt with this kind of situation before.

If your boyfriend is not ashamed of his past, he probably has not ask God's forgiveness for it and may, in fact, commit the same sin again.

As he is a baby Christian, perhaps as he matures in the Lord, he will realize that he needs to repent of his past sexual sins and will regret the fact that he did not remain a virgin until he married.

Usually, without regret or sorrow over one's past sins; there is no change in one's actions.

Blessings,
Sue