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Light Bulbs & The Denominations That Change Them

Discussion in 'Jokes & Humor (Clean)' started by PreachTony, Nov 24, 2014.

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  1. PreachTony

    PreachTony Active Member

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    How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. God has predestined when the lights will be on..

    How many Baptists?
    CHANGE?? But we have NEVER done it that way before!

    How many Pentecostals?
    Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness...

    How many TV evangelists?
    One. But for the message of light to continue...send in your donation...

    How many Dispensationalists?
    Two - one to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb.

    How many Calvinists?
    Every Calvinist knows only God can change a lightbulb.

    How many Episcopalians?
    None, they assume darkness is the nature of the bulb and it would be harmful and disrespecful to violate personality of the bulb.

    How many Arminians?
    Only one, but first the bulb must want to be changed.

    How many Premillennialists?
    While knowing where the lightbulbs are, they are persuaded to wait for the official lightbulb changer but no one knows when he will arrive.

    How many Arminians?
    Since the bulb has free will - it must make it's own decision.

    How many Amillennialists?
    Two, one to change the bulb, the other to remind others not to fear the
    old darkness or trust the new light--both are only symbolic.

    How many Postmillennialists?
    One, but now he has to rethink his eschatology....

    How Many Liberal Christians?
    None - they don't think it needs to be changed.

    How many Evolutionists?
    None - it will change itself - it will just take billions and billions of years.

    How many Lutherans?
    17 - 5 to form a commitee to find and nominate 9 people to a committee which shall then discuss the issues of light bulb changing, from which that committee shall appoint three other people to carry out the final resolution of the second committee - which is that one person shall supervise while one changes the bulb and one will follow up in one month's time to investigate the performance of the bulb.

    How many Mormons?
    None - it's beneath the character of a god to stoop and change a light bulb.

    How many Atheists?
    1 - but they are still in darkness.
     
    #1 PreachTony, Nov 24, 2014
  2. InTheLight

    InTheLight Well-Known Member
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    At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows.

    A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”

    A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”

    A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”

    The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”

    A Baptist Pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”

    The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”

    A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”
     
    #2 InTheLight, Nov 24, 2014
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