My Testimony of Sorts

I'm concerned this testimony will focus too much on my sin.
I mention it because it is what drives me to my Saviour.

I encountered porn when I was very young, probably 10 or so. It fascinated me, but didn't really grab me until a few years later, age 15 or so, when a friend show me some magazines. Being a churched kid at the time, I said "that's degrading", which is what my mum had always told me. However, later that day, I wanted to look at more. I borrowed some magazines off him. This continued for a few years with me looking at magazines every now and then, until age 19. Age 19, we got fast internet in the house. That's when my addiction really took off. I would stay up late looking at porn. Get up early to look at porn. I knew it was wrong, and thought I should stop, but couldn't find any way to stop.

At about age 19 or 20, I started searching about God on the internet, asking questions that I had from a youth. At this time, I thought I was saved. I mean, I may have been, I believed all the facts about God, sin, the Bible, I knew my sin was wrong. I came across some gospel tracts - chick tracts - that I read in earnest. These lead me to become acutely aware of my sin against God. I repented, as far as I knew. But it didn't stop the porn.

I had been going to a Sydney Anglican church my entire life. Big on calvinism, talked about evangelism, but I had never been told HOW to become a Christian, as far as I can remember. So I knew a lot about the Bible, but I didn't know God. So at this time (around 2001), I think I believed the Gospel. I sought out a church to go to, and started growing, getting involved. I also joined a Campus group as well (CBM - campus bible ministries). I got pretty heavily into Way of the Master evangelism around this time.

This went pretty well until I met J. She was visiting from America, and we'd chatted online a bit. She came to Australia to do some stuff with a Bible college here, and we met up and hit it off. We ended up have sexual relations multiple times, regretting it each time. Eventually, we broke this off. During this time, I was getting more involved with Way of the Master, reading a lot of Ray Comfort books. I hated my sin, but could not find any way to be free. I was repenting every time. I agreed with God that my sin was wrong.

Shortly after this I began seeking out a church that was big into evangelism. I found an Independent Fundamental Baptist church and started attending, going door knocking and street preaching. I was also big into fruit inspection - other Christians were false converts, even though if people knew my sin, and judged me by my standards, I was worse.

Around 2006, all of this came to a head. No longer able to live a double life, I broke down. I was burnt out. Evangelism had become a crutch to me - a way to justify my sin. Since I was doing evangelism for God, street preaching etc, I was justifying my porn addiction, playing it down in my head. I confessed it to some people, but it didn't help much, only alleviated my guilt for a short time. It was about this time that that Paul Washer video became a viral hit amongst Christians.

I understood the message. It convicted me. But that's all. It convicted me to the core. I knew I was in a bad way, a hypocrite. And that's all it did. I found no way to improve myself. I was repenting, daily even. I agreed with God that porn was wrong. I hated porn and hated myself. But in all the law and legalism I was involved in, I found no rest.

My thought process for the next 10 years was this

"Am I saved? Maybe, maybe not. How do I tell? Look at my works. What works will prove my salvation? Does my sin prove I am not saved? And I in continual unrepentant sin? No, I hate my sin, why do I keep doing it. How do I stop? Repent? Okay, I've done that. Believe the Gospel? I do. So why am I doubting? Why am I caught up in this sin?"

That sermon, and a few others, haunted me. Everyone around me loved it. I tried to explain how it made me feel and they offered no comfort, no hope, just condemnation and judgment because I was wrong in saying that the sermon offered no hope. To me, it was works salvation. So was WOTM.

During this time, the following occurred

• I got married
• I moved to another country
• I stopped going to church
• I stopped following WOTM
• I was constantly hounded by Hebrews 6, Hebrews 10, 2 Peter 2:20-22, Hebrews 12 etc. You know the verses. They are scary. I don't say this to dismiss them, but to put you in my frame of mind during these years.
• I had a daughter. She was born very sick. While she was in Hospital with my wife, I spent most of that time looking at porn. This is my most shameful memory. It comes across quite blunt here but I'm deeply upset over how much it shows my lack of love for my wife, daughter and God, or priorities I had back then.
• My doctrine changed so much over this time. I began to move away from legalism and started listening to the other side - Free Grace. They didn't help a whole lot because they were so focused on conversion and the how-to's and none of it was new to me.

But during all of that I discovered a great secret - My sanctification and freedom was also a gift from God. I had to stop trying to work for freedom, to stop trying to prove to God and self that I was saved.

About 70 days ago, I had an epiphany. I really don't know how to explain this, and words won't do it justice. I had just sinned. I fell to my knees and prayed something. I don't know what. I wanted to give up. If I gave up, at least I could live life free from the fear of hell (or at least, that's what I thought. In reality, I doubt it would have been like that). I don't know what I said, I don't remember. I just remember feeling utterly hopeless, and thinking "what does freedom feel like?". Regardless, God answered my prayer.

For the next 65 days, I experienced freedom from pornography. I didn't look at it and I was hardly tempted. Unfortunately, in a moment of pride and anger, I went back to it for a short time (about 10 minutes of searching, over the course of a day. I consider this a failure but have not let it get me down like I used to). This lead me to be angry with my wife, lash out at her (not physically), and blame her for my problems. This was wrong.

That 65 days was liberating though. I remember thinking many times that it was so amazing, that I finally was experiencing freedom from porn. However, during that 65 days, I experienced another, extreme anxiety. I thought that I was unforgiveable. That I had sinned away my day of grace or something. I don't know, these were things I had heard about and read about in my search for freedom. I felt like God had NOT answered any prayer and that I was doing it in my own strength. Every prayer I prayed just resulted in verses about apostasy coming to mind. I imagined Jesus saying "No, it's too late for you". Satan had lost his grip on one area of my life and was now hitting me where it hurt even more. I had panic attacks, I slept very little. I was exhausted. I decided to go back to a local baptist church.

I confessed my addiction to the pastor. I had already confessed to my wife years before. She has been the most forgiving woman I've ever known. But it was wearing thin. I was struggling with this stuff almost every week. I didn't really know my daughter. I've started to get to know her, spend more time playing with her, spend more time talking to my wife. We've moved the computer into the lounge room, out of the office for two reasons - one, accountability and two, so I can be with my family, instead of away from them in an office.

So where does that bring us to. Well, it brings me to today. The panic attacks passed. The anxiety is still with me and I am managing that. I am learning to rest in God's grace. I am not unforgiveable. I am not apostate. I am loved by God. I am forgiven by God. I doubt, and I hate my doubt. I hope one day to be free from doubt, and to be able to minister to other men caught up in this addiction. I'm sorry that much of my "testimony" has been focused on my sin and my doubts, because my testimony of living in Christ really only begins recently. I hope that people see the longsuffering of God in this. When was I saved? I don't know. I have believed in Jesus for over 25 years. I have repented toward God hundreds/thousands of times. Do I believe Jesus died for my sin? Yes. Absolutely. And I know what my sin is to God. But I also know my life didn't reflect that. Where do I go from here? I don't know, but I am trusting God to lead me. I have experienced the freedom in Jesus and want more. I am getting to know my Saviour. I am deeply contrite over my past, wasted years and sin.

But

...the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
Titus 2

20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Gal 2:20-21

It is the grace of God, not law, that teaches me to say no to ungodliness. For many years, I tried to be right by piling on the guilt. But all the guilt did was put me into a cycle of shame, which sent me back to porn. God's grace and forgiveness is leading me out of it.