Featured Question about divorce

Sorry to hear your story....

...may I start out with one thing that you may not like or even agree with. A leopard doesn't change its spots! If he was abusive, then, chances are VERY good he still is.

If you are really committed to making this marriage come back together, counseling is important for both of you, and you need to go into counseling with your mind, heart and eyes wide open! Don't let your desire to patch things up and remarry this guy, cloud the truth you see before you.

I've been in an abusive relationship. In fact, she was a believer as was I, and even though I witnessed her being abusive to the kids, I made excuses for her behaviors, telling myself it was due to stress from being a single mother with three kids [one was deaf] to raise on her own.

I honestly convinced myself that once we married, and I was in the home to help her raise the kids; things would improve. Well, things let up with the abusive behaviors toward her kids because I was acting as their shield, intervening whenever I could.

However, she started yelling, cursing, and hitting me, and within several months of our marriage, she was actually attacking me, physically. One night while washing dishes after dinner, she held a knife up to my chin, and told me that I'd better not close my eyes that night. She was dead serious, and the next morning [after sleeping in the car all night] I packed up my things, and moved to an apartment and remained there until our divorce was final. During this time, she came to my office and attempted to beat me up. It took two office workers to tear her off me, after she jumped over my desk and started hitting me, and ripping my shirt off.

I refused to call the cops, mostly out of embarrassment. The next time she jumped me was outside the court house following the divorce hearing. I was concerned about her bizarre, aggressive behavior, and asked a DeputySheriff [personal friend]to attend the hearing with me. Once outside the doors of the courthouse, she spat on me and then began hitting and scratching me. My friend pulled her off, handcuffed her, and asked if I wanted to have her arrested.

Again, I was too embarrassed to do this [men have huge egos], and after that he let her go, with the warning if she ever attacked me again, he personally would arrest her, and make sure she went to jail for the maxium time allowed by law.

She never attacked me again, but she relentlessly stalked me for more than five years, including following me after I moved from Nebraska to California. I remarried, and one day at a Christian bookstore; she confronted me and my wife. She was pleasant, but it confirmed my feelings that she had, in fact, been following me. You see; I thought I saw her numerous times, but thought she was still in the mid West!!

I can only tell you that you need to be careful. Today, abusers do more than hit. Many spouses are being killed, and it is so unnecessary.

You need to pray, seek counsel, and examine this guy with a fine-tooth comb!!

Good luck, and may you be open to the still, small voice of God as you move ahead!

Shalom,

Pastor Paul

 

So, this person is living with a woman, four houses away from yours, claims to still be in love with you but continues to live with someone else -- and you want him back.

 

I'm asking the same question Brother Wrenn is asking!!!! A mistake fixing to happen, is what its called!!! He's shacked up with another woman and you both still "Love" each other?? Thats not love---its called LUST!!!

Best thing you can do is RUN AWAY from that mess----run fast away!!!:BangHead::BangHead:

 

Pastor Paul,
As always, a good post. The only part I might take a difference of opinion is the above portion. I do think that the changing power of the Holy Spirit at salvation can change abusive behavior. That is not always the case, as abuse and nonabuse does not always follow saved, unsaved lines. Abusive behavior that is a life long pattern needs help to overcome usually, but Christ can change anything, and forgives past behavior. I guess what makes the situation bad is that the person being abused should not have to endure such behavior in whatever time it takes for the abuser to change.

I have seen cases where the abuser was only that way to one person, and with the next, the pattern never happened. More often than not, it seems to be abusive to anyone that is not liked.

Thank you for the testimony you posted about this subject. For years now, your posts have been a model to me of Christ working in various aspects of one's life.

 

To Sminasian, I totally agree with blackbirds advice. I am not an expert, because I have only been married once, for 35 years. However, after reading your story, there seems to be one thing lacking that trasncends abuse. Abuse should never be tolerated, but in this case, it seems to be a symptom of the problem, not the problem.

There seems to be a total lack of love and commitment to the relationship on one or both sides. Marriage is a serious, life time commitment that takes daily work and patience. If the other person is being abusive, it almost appears it is because he does not want a relationship that really means marriage. It seems the evidence of this is being shacked up four blocks away.

Think back to the first time you both were together. Did you think of it as a marriage, the way Scripture describes, or did you think of it as a high school date? The letter almost sounds like one. During that time, did you mistake arguments and differences for abuse, and just not wanting to work through them? Or was he actually hurting you?? Marriage takes work for love to grow. It takes patience. It takes Christ. What keeps you together is the love of Christ in the person, and/or the inner person himself, because trust me, the outer body will not look the same at sixty.

His commitment seems shallow at best with living with someone else while pursuring you. Also, your willingness to even consider winning a contest between you and this other woman is a totally wrong basis for even trying this out. Before even trying this again, try these steps

Both of you grow up
Both of you may sure your walk with the Lord is strong
Both make sure you love each other for life
Both make sure they are willing to solve problems and that every disagreement is not abuse
If he is abusing you, move on now, as he has been given one chance already
Grow up
Grow up
Grow up

 

Forgive him, forget what the world says. People change with God, psychs dont believe that. God is drawing you two back. God does not see you as separate. He joined you, fix it.

 

Let me tell you something: If this jerk still loved her, he would have stopped living with this other woman; instead, he continues to live with her -- and four houses down!

As they say on Monday Night Football pre-game: C'mon, man!!

 

Sminasian:

I'll say this very clearly...if the man is living with (sleeping with) another woman...then HE DOES NOT LOVE you!

You do need to forgive him, and People do change...but simply getting back together with him is not going to make that happen. There may be steps of forgiveness to take...and there might in some future be some slim possibility that this man may become a godly man who is willing to sacrifice his own desires for you and for God...but he's obviously not there yet.

The fact that you both have some emotional attachement to each other is not, in itself evidence that God is drawing you back together.

Regarding the question of whether God sees you as separate:

1. The question of whether you should have divorced him in the first place has been argued both ways...some saying yes, some saying no...many advocating separating for your safety, but not filing divorce.

2. However, now that the deed is done...If he has slept with another woman, he HAS committed adultery, which Jesus gave as the exception to his commands against divorce. So I would say God sees you as not still married.

 

God is restoring you both. The world and worldly Christians cannot understand this. They believe hoops must be jumped through. Follow the Spirit!

 

Forgive, yes. Set yourself up for a repeat of what happened last time, no. If he loved you, he wouldn't be with another woman. Actions are a good indication of one's repentance. Don't be stupid.

 

Psychology speaks

 

It takes two to make a marriage. Sometimes hoops must be jumped through. If he was genuine, the first thing he'd do is dump his live-in. Be skeptical. Don't drink the Kool-aide Plain-n-simple's making.

 

Common sense.

 

If you feel lead to wait on him because you sense that is what God would have you do then stick to that. We have a God who can restore relationships.

If you are just waiting on him to come around and you are wanting to take him back right away and act as if nothing over occurred then you are headed for a train wreck.

Before restoration of the relationship could ever begin there would need to be clear repentance on his part. Second there would need to be boundaries and markers over a period of time as he begins to prove his commitment to you and works to earnestly gain your trust. Third, as has been suggested you will need some personal counseling either with a pastor or a christian counselor. And some time in the future the two of you will need to go together as well.

Based on what you have posted it does not look as if he has any sincerity toward you and your marriage. And if you feel strongly about walking away right now that is within biblical principles and might just be what you need to do. But I would still get some counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor.

I do pray that this mess works out for you and you recover some peace and are able to find good judgment. May God Bless you.

 

Have you lost your ever loving mind????? If someone has abused once, it is rare, although possible to change that, through Christ. You quote does not see you as seperate is outrageous. This woman or anybody else does not have to put up with abuse. Christ can change that, but don't you dare make her think it is a common or easy task. You should be ashamed of yourself.

 

Your belief in Jesus is very weak if there at all. You have to trust Jesus, not just talk it. It is common, and easy for Jesus to change an abuser.

 

1) My question is: how badly have I let the Lord down?

We let our Lord down everyday in one way or another. I know, I do. Both in things I say & do and in the things I don't say & do. There was only one perfect person who has walked on this earth and He understands our own lack of perfection. He also knows what's in our hearts. Do we really mean it when we ask Him for forgiveness? Do we truly pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit. Do we earnestly pray for His will to be done in our lives? Only you can answer that question, as only you know what happens and has happened in your private prayer closet. Only you can recitify with Him whatever degree of letting Him down you may have done in the past that hasn't already been taken care of in your life. Once that's done, or has already been done, put that behind you. Only use your past as a guide to help you grow in maturity with our Lord and Saviour.

2) "We have remained friends, and talk and text almost daily."

Does the other woman know that you talk and text almost daily? Does the other woman know that he's persuing another woman? Right now, since he's living with her, you are "the other woman". In a sense, he's cheating on her right now. How can that build trust in him as long as he continues to do that and stay with her? Personal opinion coming up...... As hard as it may be for you do to it, I'd suggest that you break off all communication with him as long as he's still with her. Period. He has to make the decision himself, for himself, and it should be according to what our Lord will lead him to do. That is if he's actually asking for spiritual advice from the One who can give it.

3) "I suggested if he is free, we can start by going to church together, with no committments to each other, just take it one day at a time."

I'd suggest that he start coming to church alone, as a first step. That maybe after a few weeks/months, you'd go out to lunch with him after church. It's fine to talk to him a few minutes on the front porch with the rest of the folks around. That'll help both of you keep your conversation on a casual level at this stage. Give it time to see if he's coming to church to worship God or just using that an an opportunity to see you. If you start out as a "couple" in church, you won't have that opportunity, IMO.

4) Avoid the appearance of evil. If yours is a small church, almost everyone will know the background of your situation. If you don't handle this correctly everyone (many if not most) will assume that he is shacking up with both you and the other woman. If she leaves his home this week and the two of you are a couple next week, you'll give fuel to the gossip mongers that exist in every church. That can do a lot of harm to your witness to our Lord. Please do think about it.

5) As to your divorce, IMO, you filed legal (secular papers) for a judge to grant you a legal divorce. If you did not break your marriage vows with another man, your ex-husband divorced you when he became involved with another woman. Those of us, from afar, can only tell you things like that. The only one who can make the actual determination of whether you are biblically married or not is the Holy Spirit. Put that ahead of any advice that you receive from others. Especially on the internet. (That includes what I'm saying, too!)

6) Patience! Patience! and Patience!
It's been 6 years since you separated. Unless God is willing it, there's no rush for you and he to get back together, only an emotional one, by both of you, it seems. Give it time. Give it 6 months if that's what it takes. Give it a year, if that's what it takes. If it's God's plan for the two of you to resume a marriage, He will bring it about in His own time. The scriptures teach us what happens when people don't have the patience to wait for His will.

If it is not His will for the two of you to resume your marriage, He will reveal that as well. For example, your ex may go back to the woman he's staying with after a couple of months. Or, you may realize that what you thought was love is something else. That you are wishing for what could have been rather than what reality turned out to be. I know a woman who's past middle age and has never been married. From appearances, she's in love with the idea of marriage. I'm afraid that she would overlook compatability problems with any man just for the sake of being "married". That has the potential to be a recipe for disaster.

In closing, others have given you some good advice, too, on how to proceed. First and foremost, as long as he's living with another woman, don't give him the time of day. Your pastor is likely to be the best person to talk to in person for advice. And possibly better advice, as he knows (should know) you and may already know most of your situation. He can talk in ways that can't be conveyed by a keyboard, as much as we try.

May the Lord bless you as you try to determine His will for the rest of your life above everything and everyone else.