Relationship with Spouse

[Nicholas25]

Have any of you ever notied that we can be great Christians and treat everyone with love, kindness, respect, and compassion, but then we can be rude and crude to our spouse, and say things to them that we would never say to anyone else. There are times that I feel like a hypocrite because of the way I can get angry at my wife. But I know I am not a hypocrite because I am not trying to be something I am not. It's just that my wife can make me furious and get on my last nerve.
The thing that bothers me is the fact that regardless of how much of the love of Christ I show others, if I don't show it enough to my own wife, it's going to hurt my testimony. I mean what if many, many people walk up to her and tell her what a good guy her husband is while all along she is thinking "you wouldn't say that if you could see and hear him at home." Please pray for me in this area..

 

[ccrobinson]

Nicholas, I have good news and bad news. Let's start with the bad news.

If you treat everybody with love, kindness and respect, but don't treat your wife this way, then you are, in fact, a hypocrite. Sorry.

Now for the good news.

The good news is that you can change your behavior. You can treat your wife with love, kindness and respect, then you won't feel like a hypocrite anymore. :thumbs:

Praying for you, brother.

 

[Claudia_T]

Nicholas,


I feel like Im on a Dear Abbey thing here but, in my opinion it could just be that it is when we go through trials that our lack of whatever it is we are lacking... comes through.

In other words its easy to be nice to people as long as they are being nice to you. But it gets difficult when:

Mt:5:44: But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you

...when someone isnt being so nice to you, or just when they push all the right buttons.

It just sorta brings out the beast in you, so to speak. It shows us who were really are and lets you see that you arent REALLY changed inside but only outwardly. Well to a certain degree you are changed, but in some areas you need help.

The trials show you your weaknesses. and so the key is learning exactly what the weaknesses are and how to overcome them through the promises and the power of Christ, by faith.

not to mention, sometimes if you can get some understanding about why someone acts the way that they do then it becomes easier to deal with them. Like your wife, I mean.

It is easier to treat her that way probably because you are with her on a daily basis. you know each other, you arent trying to impress each other... and so forth.

Claudia

 

[godsdaughter]

Prayer and Faith..

Hi Nicholas,

I am new here, but I felt compelled to let you know my experience. I too was the same way, but through my faith and strong prayer that the Holy Spirit would help me, speak to me and touch my heart when I would start behaving this way truly changed my life. When I would become unkind, my heart would literally start to ache, and I felt so deeply how I was disappointing God and not walking in grace. We are made in His image and are to walk in holiness and grace and He does.

One thing I have always remembered, in anything you do remember God is right there with you - would he be pleased with words you say, actions you do, or the company you keep.

I told me teenagers one time, when going to a party or out with friends, would God be pleased if he were invited?

We love you and I will pray for you.

 

[J. Jump]

Nicholas you are a very brave individual for opening yourself up and being vulnerable in such an open forum. God bless you for your honesty!!!

I myself have suffered from the same issues, and still suffer from them. I don't know that it will ever completely go away as we are going to have our sin nature with us until we are taken or until we pass away.

With that being said I think you have already taken a big step in seeking others prayers. I would also seek the prayers of people that are closer to you in physical proximity as I am sure you already have.

And then as others have told you much prayer is needed on your part! I would pray that the Spirit would help you die to self when these situations arise. I say that because it is self that is the problem. Something is sparking our "old" nature to rise up and act out because of a wrong against us or a perceived wrong against us.

We must die to that urge and keep the "old" man crucified and allow the life of Jesus to live out through our members so that in that moment He can love our spouse through our members the way we can not.

I actually preached a message on this a couple of years ago now probably. And it is I said there are literally 1,000s of talk shows, books, magazines, seminars etc. etc. that have the "answer" or the "secret" to a better marriage. And while some of these techniques are good they are not the answer and they are not the secret to a good marriage.

Because fundamentally what all of these things teach us is that in order to get from our spouse what it is that we want here is what one must do. That is fundamentally against what Scripture says. We are to treat our spouses the right way regardless of whether or not that is reciprocated.

So whatever you read or whatever you hear just remember if you are doing to get it may work for a while, but ultimately it will fail, because the results are based on the other half following through with a certain response, and because they are a flawed creature as well that "correct" response is not always going to be there.

So in all things work for the Lord, so that He is pleased with what is being done regardless of what the earthly results are. The reason being is that if we are working unto the Lord then when we don't receive the response we wanted we won't get mad or upset because that wasn't the motivation for our efforts.

So the more you work unto the Lord, which actually means the Lord is working through you. The more success you are going to have regardless of what your spouse does.

As I said this is an area that I have struggled in and still struggle with because I don't always keep the "old" man crucified. I allow him to rise up and indulge himself unfortunately. I pray that God will put you in my rememberance often!

 

[Scarlett O.]

We always hurt the people that we love more than we hurt anyone else.

And we always get hurt the most by the people that we love.

That's because the people that we love see us when we are our true selves. And we see them for who they really are. The rest of the world sees the freshly painted mask and the facade. Those we live with and love the most intimately see our true nature and we see theirs.

Your true self, the easily frustrated and angered, is what you are showing your wife.

The two of you have let your guards down, as you should. You are one flesh. There are no secrets, or at least there shouldn't be to the true nature of one's spouse.

Try this. Make a mental note as to what it is that she is doing that is, as you say, getting on your last nerve. Go to God with that behavior and seek His counsel. Ask Him if it is that particular behavior that is annoying you to the point of rudeness or if her annoying behavior a sign of something much deeper that is troubling you and your marriage.

Talk to her when you are in a good mood....when you both are in a good mood. Tell her that you have been seeking God and that you want to explain to her why you get so out of control. When you explain your response to her, don't talk about it in terms of how annoying she is....talk about is in terms of what her behavior.....or what that behavior is a symptom of.....does to you.

The two of you will never heal from this problem if you don't talk about it. Find a bible-based counselor. I guarantee you that if you would take the lead in acknowledging your true self and take the lead in getting some help for the two of you that she would be delighted to take a good look at herself and see if she needs to change some of her behaviors. She is hurting too. You can take that to the bank.

I'll bet there is something a whole lot deeper than just you getting mad because she gets on your nerves.

 

[TaterTot]

Sometimes we know just the right buttons to push and that often causes us not to treat each other with the respect and love that we ought to.

Its easy to get discouraged at home, and I am sure that you are not alone.

 

[J. Jump]

I guarantee you that if you would take the lead in acknowledging your true self and take the lead in getting some help for the two of you that she would be delighted to take a good look at herself and see if she needs to change some of her behaviors.

Scarlett that is not something that you can guarantee Just becuase one party sees an area of change that needs to be made, that doesn't mean the other is going to fall in line!

There is a REAL possibility that change will not come to his spouse, so let's not give the idea that change is a guarantee. We have to deal in reality, and reality says that people are flawed and sometimes they like their flaws too much to change

Again that's why I say that even if our spouses do not respond the way we want them to or the way they should that does not relieve us of our duty to do what is right by God's standards.

 

[Scarlett O.]

You are correct in saying that just because one person is willing to change that there is no guarantee that the other will be willing to change.

I said, "I'll guarantee...." as a figure of speech....a slang phrase used often in my area.

You are right, it does not fit the context of the sentence.

I'll rephrase...."It's worth the risk of him admiting his anger problem and seeking God and finding a bible-based counselor for the both of them in hopes that she will be willing to change herself."

 

[J. Jump]

"It's worth the risk of him admiting his anger problem and seeking God and finding a bible-based counselor for the both of them in hopes that she will be willing to change herself."

ABSOLUTELY!!! and AMEN!

 

[TaliOrlando]

Have any of you ever notied that we can be great Christians and treat everyone with love, kindness, respect, and compassion, but then we can be rude and crude to our spouse, and say things to them that we would never say to anyone else. There are times that I feel like a hypocrite because of the way I can get angry at my wife. But I know I am not a hypocrite because I am not trying to be something I am not. It's just that my wife can make me furious and get on my last nerve.
The thing that bothers me is the fact that regardless of how much of the love of Christ I show others, if I don't show it enough to my own wife, it's going to hurt my testimony. I mean what if many, many people walk up to her and tell her what a good guy her husband is while all along she is thinking "you wouldn't say that if you could see and hear him at home." Please pray for me in this area..

Hello!! Brother!!

Just writting because I know how hard it is. I have been saved since 10/17/2002 and since I was saved one thing that bothered me about my wife was the fact that she never supported me to go to church. She never went or gave a effort to make it with me.

It was hard and I tell you it was hard. However I had to learn that if God operated in love then I should also. I had to learn that the enemy always tries to play mind games with us. Placing thoughts that only focus on our wifes faults and that places us in a defense mode so when our wifes do any little thing we blow up.. We are already ready to react just need a reason.

However if we focus on the Pros she has instead of the Cons...you will learn to appreciate her better & not get so mad. When you look at it this way you will see that you are fighting for a simple thing. Example:

I would get mad because:

Her Attitude, not going to church or pray with me, she is a perfectionist, ext....

However when I think of all the things I do.....:

I come home and just turn on the TV, I come home and just throw my sneakers in the corner, I dont throw the trash away, I dont help out as much as I should, ext..

Now!! If you think or loook at it this way...you will see that there is a balance in the household. I want her to change but as the MAN of the home.. I HAVE TO CHANGE FIRST AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE. Long story short she is now saved, we argue less... and even when we are about to start arguing now we stop and think.. before we say hurtful things.

The enemy loves to throw little darts in our minds. Get to the root of the problem. Sit at your dinner table with your wife with a notepad. Have her write down what bothers her and what is causing her to flip out on you. You do the same. You will see that the enemy is trying to cause a Divorce and if you get to the root of the problem. You will have a happier marriage!!!

God is AWESOME!!!! Thats your QUEEN!!! If you threat her wrong you are threating God Wrong. Always think What would Jesus Do.. God BLeSS

Thanks Tali

 

[DQuixote]

God bless you, Nicholas. It took me a long time to see what you are pointing out today. I praise God that I finally understood my role as husband. It excluded anger toward my wife. In many ways I built on little things. Instead of "you forgot to tell me to take out the trash," I realized that it was me who forgot. "You failed to turn on the vent fan, setting off the smoke alarm," became a tiny little effort on my part to turn it on for her, and to give her a peck on the cheek while doing that. I remembered to leave "I love you" notes when she was asleep, as I slipped out to work. If she was awake, I remembered to take the time to sit on the edge of the bed, to stroke her hair, to tell her what a blessing she is. I stood up in front of the church, begging her publicly to forgive me for my sins, my blunders, my anger. Then I embraced her in the pew.

Life is too short. However, we can make up for all those times we hurt her if we will first humble ourselves before God, really humble ourselves, on our knees, praying out loud for forgiveness, for words to speak to her. O my brother, what a difference prayer, confession, praise make! The "new you" may take a little while to arrive, but he will. Just keep Him and her in your heart.
:1_grouphug:

 

[Nicholas25]

Thank you guys so much for your prayers and replys. And with the help of the Lord and the Holy Spirit; my marriage will reach its full potential. Now I do have a quick question. Someone said earlier that the person I was showing to my wife was my true self. I kind of disagree with this. I have a sincere love for everyone because Christ placed that in my heart. Before him I was a snobby, cocky, jerk. When I am in public, at church, or wherever, and I speak to people; I am not thinking "I better be nice so I look like a good person and help my testimony and reputation." I am nice because Christ placed a love for people in my heart. Again my being nice to everyone else is not fake. Now one last question. About being a hypocrite, I think a hypocrite is someone who lives another life than the one they profess and try to hide it. Meaning you have people in some services on Sunday morning who could have been at a bar on Saturday night but try to cover it up. They know they are doing wrong; but try to hide it. They try to live two lives. I am not trying to do this. I want to be the best Christian I can be at all times and have no desire to live a double life. Does any of this make sense?

 

[Scarlett O.]

Someone said earlier that the person I was showing to my wife was my true self. I kind of disagree with this. I have a sincere love for everyone because Christ placed that in my heart. Before him I was a snobby, cocky, jerk. When I am in public, at church, or wherever, and I speak to people; I am not thinking "I better be nice so I look like a good person and help my testimony and reputation."I am nice because Christ placed a love for people in my heart. Again my being nice to everyone else is not fake.

I didn't mean to imply that you were being fake around others.

Having a true self that we only show to our intimate loved ones doesn't mean that our other self isn't genuine.

And you are not the only person with this problem. Lots and lots of people are very careful around others and not so careful around those they live with. It's human nature.

Our "new man" is what we profess. But sometimes the "old man" slips out of us and many times it's when we have a guards let down the lowest and that's with the people that we are the most comfortable with.

For example. I would NEVER curse nor swear in front of my parents, my church family, my students, total strangers, nor the general public. However, there are two other christian women with whom I worked everyday for over 20 years and every now and again and in their presence only, I would let a word slip and never give it a second thought.

Until God convicted me of it.....and I stopped doing it. It took much fighting the "old man" in me, but with the Lord's help, those ladies never heard those words from me again and haven't in over 3 years.

It wasn't that I was being fake around everyone else. I was just being very careful and presented the "new man" around them. I was so close to these two ladies and we were so relaxed around each other and such intimate friends that the "old man" came out....too much.

You said that before Jesus that you were a "snobby, cocky, jerk". You are a new man now, but that doesn't mean that you don't fight the old man. And you fight him the hardest at home. The old man is what your wife is seeing. She needs to see the new man.

About being a hypocrite, I think a hypocrite is someone who lives another life than the one they profess and try to hide it. They know they are doing wrong; but try to hide it. They try to live two lives. I am not trying to do this. I want to be the best Christian I can be at all times and have no desire to live a double life. Does any of this make sense?

Actually, hiding a part of one's life is not what make people hypocrites. We are all hypocrites.

Hypocrites are chrisitians who claim to profess the love of Christ and then turn around and do something that says otherwise.

And it's usually something that they struggle with. Me? I struggle with authority. I struggle with it everyday. I'm rebellious and don't like it. How can I claim to be a christian and be a rebellious person? That makes me hypocritical.

All christians have areas of struggle in their lives. Those who claim not to be are struggling with pride and arrogance.

You seem to be struggling with the old man.....your self-proclaimed former snobbishness and cockiness and being a jerk. And you struggle with this around your wife.

She, herself, struggles with something, too.

Don't be afraid of letting yourself be called a hypocrite. It doesn't mean that you are hiding something. It just means that you sometimes display behavior that testifies of the old nature.

And that's also human nature.