secret agent and other funny stuff

Lifted this one off the web:

In God's Army


A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"


My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."


So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"


He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

Author is Unknown


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http://www.jokesclean.com/OneLiner/ George Carlin Quotes:

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

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From Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.


Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.


Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.

The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.

I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.

I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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