some help please

[gekko]

hey all. no debate or anything here. (sorry to those debate-hounds! )

i wanted to post this - see what you think - see if there could be any word changes or structure change - anything to do with constructive criticism please.
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It is not that which we have become that is the problem,

It is what we have not become that is the problem,

Yet it is not us that we should fashion ourselves unto. No, it is Him.

If we have become that which we were previously not, that that is not the problem.

The problem then becomes that which we face. For we face a war - and age-old war fought for centuries with swords and shields.

Two sides - one corrupt the other pure.

one will conquer the other.

choose wisely which side you ally with

thank you,
God Bless.
gek

 

[Jim1999]

One thought:

The problem is not which we have become,
But rather what we have not become,
It is not for us to fashion ourselves. No, it is Him.
If we have become that which we were previously not,
The problem then becomes that which we face. For we face war-an age old war, fought for centuries with swords and shields.
Two sides; corrupt or pure.
One will conquer the other.
Choose wisely the side to best ally with.

Note: I used the best grammatical construction without changing your basic wording. Example, good grammar never repeats the same word in a single sentence..."that".

Cheers,

Jim

 

[gekko]

thanks Jim for the suggestion!

God bless