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Struggles to instruct in the way we should go.

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by Benjamin, May 12, 2006.

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  1. Benjamin

    Benjamin Well-Known Member
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    I’m trying to bring up a Christian family without having seen many good examples to follow! Problems involved:

    My 12 year old son has been being pursued by two little girls for about two years. Now these two little girls are cuter than bugs ears, polite, well mannered, but to my observations awful persistent and having an agenda that is beyond acceptable for child relations. My son is feeling very hurt and set apart from his peers by my guidance yet he wants to do right.

    My short answer has been No to having girl and boy friends if they are considered commitments for my 14 year old daughter and 12 year old son though I do try to explain the reasons why. Recently my son has been getting hurt by me not letting him declare to a girl that she is his girlfriend. He has been playing on my wife’s emotions of sympathizing to normalcy in that “everybody” does it. My wife and I are at odds now with her thinking I’m to “intense” but I am just trying to teach the real meaning of love and to keep my children free to make wise choices as they grow and learn.

    Now I could use some advice also in dealing with my wife in this issue of disagreeing and getting us as a family to set aside time to be altogether learning which has been very difficult to get her involved as she seems to have a real reluctance to me instituting such a thing. I will give an example of my emailed response back to her for input and also wonder how to go about to comfort her and my children while instructing them to do what is right.

    My response, after getting chewed out, to my wife as I try to be a spiritual leader in our house:

    My thinking of reasoning to my children so that they can understand I’m not separating them from the real world but teaching them to live in it wisely and Christian like:


    If you tell this person you like them a lot and yet they will not accept you if you will not make a commitment – do they really like you?

    If that person then turns around and becomes committed to another person or has that other person commit to them, have you really lost that person or is the truth that you never had their true affections?

    What can you conclude from this kind of loss?

    A) They did not want to give their love to you freely (within grace) and the need of commitment was motivated of the wrong reasons.
    B) They felt the need to have power and control over you which shows a mistrust and self coming first.
    C) They don’t understand true love comes from actions not words and promises and maybe we can discuss ways for you to explain this to them.
    D) If this person is pressuring you to make a commitment they most likely have value for you, if so, then how precious did they hold you if you fear threatened by not committing to them that they may commit to another?
    E) If you are hurt by this person turning to another how smart are you to deny the fact that their affection for you was very shallow and are you not wrongfully putting possession of them above the common sense of what true love is about? (grace)


    What else can you do to explain to a 12 year old the ramifications of commitment or am I just off in left field here? Is there another good way to handle this situation?
     
    #1 Benjamin, May 12, 2006
  2. Shiloh

    Shiloh New Member

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    You are kidding .....right? First of all, my wife and I have 8 children and 12 grandchildren. What would I tell my "12" year old son about girls. First of all our boys were too busy doing boy things at 12 years old to be bothered with girls! I think I would have a talk with the girls parents (that should go over big) then have a talk with my son. Tell your son that YOU and him have a lot of father and son things to do before he gets interested in girls. Then I would have a "talk" with the wife!! Buster you have a problem and it didn't start with the girls following your youngster around. You need to take the leadership role in your home, NOW! I have seen lots and lots of situations just like yours. Do you know what? They all ended with a crash. Why don't you do right? Happy mothers day. [​IMG]
     
    #2 Shiloh, May 12, 2006
  3. Benjamin

    Benjamin Well-Known Member
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    I would expect that this problem about girls wouldn’t have come up this early if these girls wouldn’t have been so persistent but remember I live in the :eek: “big city” where my children get exposed to much more, and just how far down the road do you think these issues are anyway? Shouldn’t he know how to deal with them? The father/son thing would hardly work as a temporary distraction and although he himself admits he’s too young to “me” he is feeling a lot of peer pressure and is also worried about not being “allowed” to have “girlfriends” later as this issue came up.

    LOL, how big of a stick do you suggest when having this “talk” with the wife? My problems started with me not being raised with a good Christian home example and having to learn later in life how to shift the gears and get things rolling.

    Now I got plenty of manly muscles and fight, trust me, but I can’t forcefully “take” leadership and although I lead it doesn’t mean the wife “has” to follow. You know what? You need to have an idea how fast this woman can talk, add that with a lack of logic and rationale, and buddy this is a bumpy uphill road, but I haven’t crashed yet and don’t intend to, that’s why I’ve laid it out to Christians for advice albeit many have secluded themselves to the point of denial.
     
    #3 Benjamin, May 12, 2006
  4. menageriekeeper

    menageriekeeper Active Member

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    Ahh Shiloh, things have changed!!!!

    Ben, stick to your guns!

    Of course having said that let me now ask if you know what having a "girlfriend" means to your twelve year old.

    My Cassie had her first "boyfriend" at 11. Know what they meant by that? That while they were at school and in the same immediate area that they would talk only to one another. Of course, interuptions by Cassie's girl friend and the boy's boy friends were tolorated. Not tolorated were interuptions by other people for the express purpose of "stealing" away the attention of the boy/girlfriend.

    That's it. No handholding, dating or any of that nonsense. This was a name only type of relationship for the sole purpose of bragging rights and initial relationship experimentation.

    This is what I do: 1) I'm a fixture at the kids schools. All the kids know who I am and I plan on keeping it that way. I get to know them and as many of their parents as I can.

    2) You can have all the "boyfriends" you want but don't expect to see them outside school. The exception to this comes when Cass has held onto one for more than a day. Then it may be possible for said fella to meet us at a movie or come to the house. Of course either my husband or myself will be in constant attendance and the boys parents will also be encouraged to attend said event. (I'm not going to be a grandma at 41!!!) Oh, and they can always attend church with us. (Of course, I even attend church events with my kids if I think there might not be enough chaperones or if I catch wind that something not kosher might be going on. It's a long way from the front of the church bus to the back and kids don't need privacy)

    3)Boys can call once a day and talk for five minutes. Girls had better not be calling my son, period. I don't mind laying out the rules myself and have done so on a number of occasions. Conversation goes like this: "Has Cass told you the rules about calling this house?" (the answer is ALWAYS no)"Fine, let me tell you the rules: you may talk five minutes, once a day, before 9 o'clock. If you break the rules, don't plan on calling back. Remember, Cass will be sitting in the same room as I am in while talking to you....." (I already have the reputation of being the mom you don't want to mess with! :D )

    Girls are very politely asked what their purpose in calling is. If it is only for yakking purposes, I very nicely tell them that in our house if Chris wants to talk he can call them, they are not to call him and if they call back a second time I will block their number and talk to their parents. If they want to know why I don't mind telling them what my position is.

    4)No real dating (boy, girl in a car without a chaperone) is allowed until they are 16.

    If a boy/girl acts in an inappropriate way in my presence (hand holding and kissing are NOT allowed!) they get a warning. Second time, they don't come back. I'm NOT going to be a grandma at 41!

    I am very open with my children about what sex is and what trouble it can get them into and most important what God has to say about it. We talk about these things just about every day because of the rampant immorality that exists even in our little town. Btw, any friends that happen to be around at the time the subject comes up get an earful of my beliefs as well.

    As for your wife, get her to go volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center for a few days and her views will change quickly.

    Just this spring, two of Cassie's classmates have discovered they are pregnant and one or two others have had to worry about it. Boy/girl relationships are not something to play with or think "oh how sweet, puppy love" about. We as parents must take seriously the relationships that our children enter in to and we must be there every step of the way in order to teach them what is appropriate and what is not. If we don't, who will?
     
    #4 menageriekeeper, May 12, 2006
  5. Servent

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    I have been through the same thing with my 14 year old daughter, stick to your guns. You do have a proplem with your wife, she has to understand you are the spiritual leader you have to have the finial say, but its always good to talk about it first. I let my wife deal with our oldest daughter before I became a christian, she now is 25 has 3 kids divorced, and living with us. stick to your guns your doing the right thing.
    Remember always with LOVE
     
    #5 Servent, May 12, 2006
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