Struggling With In-laws

Short of dumping bodies in wells, the best thing is to just be direct with your wife and with your in-laws. Also, lots of prayer and patience and prayer for more patience. There's a reason that there are so many in-law jokes out there!

 

Inlaws usually die around 75, if you can hang on until then you will be alright. I just made it about 10 years ago. Other than that everything will be alright.

You the one that just got married?

 

We learned to take what they say, and let it go in one ear and out the other.

 

That works great Tim; when you get your wife to go along with you. Sometimes you have to be patient until your wife breaks the apron strings of her parents. It took several years before I could get my wife to quit letting the influence of her parents play a big roll in our lives. I was kidding about the old age but there was some truth to it also.

 

In our situation, its my husbands parents who are the most difficult to deal with. We truly tried to "leave and cleave", and that meant not running to mama every time something went wrong. As a matter of fact, in over 11 years of marriage, neither of us has ever gone to our parents to tell them of a fuss, financial struggles, or to vent about each other. We decided that years ago, and now its just the norm in our marriage.

I am aware that I have never been "good enough" for my husbands parents, and he has always been completely on my side - every time. As for my family, my Dad used to even my mother out, lol, but since he died, she sure knows how to try and get into our business (and try to direct it).

Bottom line: distance is great. We dont tell them anything we dont want them to know. But both spouses need to be on the same page for that to happen.

 

it's a tough one, Nicholas. Take your wife out to dinner, to as nice a place as you can afford -- one that is quiet and where you can take your time, relax, and talk.

And then talk about both of your sets of parents. Talk about the good. Talk about the problems. Discuss how to handle the problems together, as a team. In other words, enlist her aid. You can tell her how embarrassed you feel that your marriage is being made part of theirs, and how you long for that sense of trusting companionship that you know you can have. Help her see that it hurts. Just plain hurts, if nothing else.

She also needs to have options for when things are hard between the two of you. Ask her to write down what is bugging her first, instead of calling her folks. Give you a chance to read it quietly, in private and either talk or write a note back. Marriage is a scary thing in many ways and it does take time to become the sort of team you can be.

Don't forget to read Bible together and pray together. It does not have to be long times each day. Set aside fifteen minutes a day to read for ten or twelve minutes, out loud, and then a few minutes of prayer. Pray for each other, your marriage, your understanding of His Word, and, certainly, both sets of parents.

Bit by bit you should see a very welcome change, and God bless you both.

 

Helen, what wonderful advice.

 

You can certainly praise your in laws for your wife. It is amazing what can happen when you begin to do that. Years ago my mother in law did not like it that I took her daughter. I have sought to respect her and thank her for the wife I have. I meant every word because I have an excellent wife. My family knows it and others have mentioned it to me over the years. A few years ago my mother in law came to know Christ and we were the first people to know. It has gotten to the point where she is our biggest supporter.

Be patient and seek to win them.

 

You think you have problems now, wait until you have kids!

Right on. Even before we were married, it was very clear to us that it was "us against the world!" Whether it be inlaws, simblings, friends, fellow church members, or even church leaders, no one gets in between us. We NEVER talk poorly about the other in front of anyone else.

 

My m-i-l is so bad that my wife even likes my parents better than her mother.

 

ROFL... Now that's bad. :applause: :laugh: :wavey:

 

I'm gonna say it takes time to brew coffee and steep tea!!! It takes time to get use to the in-laws!!! Just like it takes time for the in-laws to get use to you!!! See???

My wife and I have been married now for 18 years----and besides my parents being who they were(both are now passed away)---my in-laws are that----I believe I can spell it in a couple of letters--- g-e-n-u-i-n-e and God fearing people---and have done more to help my wife and I in our marriage both financial and emotionally---than I can ever give them credit for.

It takes time to brew coffee----sit back---relax---don't panic--don't do anything stupid or idiotic---and see what happens!!!

 

The in-laws have probably suffered with "bad" in-laws themselves and just think that is the 'norm'.

They can't gripe about things they're not told. Helen and Tater gave some excellent advice.

I would be running myself down if I ran my husband down because I PICKED HIM!

Adam and Eve were very lucky in this respect, they didn't have to deal with in-laws...

 

Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Do all parties understand this.

 

Boy, does this bring back bad memories of over 40 years ago. Since each situation is different, there are no hard and fast rules that apply to every case.

1. Does your spouse agree with you that they are interferring? If not, the situation probably will not get completely solved until your spouse agrees with you.

2. Do not think you will change them by being nice to them about it. That only encourages them to be more intrusive since they probably will interpret that as weakness on your part and they enjoy intruding. This was the big mistake I made and it eventually resulted in a big blow up which took awhile to fix.

3. Set the boundaries; be nice, but also be firm and consistant. Don't expect them to come around on their own.

4. In my case, my inlaws had no really close friends. So losing their daughter was like losing their social life. Inlaws who insist on intruding on their children's marriage usually have social problems of their own.


My thoughts.

 

Great advice given so far.

You could also do what we did, just grab the kids and move to a foreign country.:laugh:

My f-i-l has been our problem, he is a good and God-fearing man but he likes to write me letters and criticize me because I don't do things like he would do them. God has given me grace to write a response and then throw it away each time. Fortunately my wife has stood with me. We don't go home to visit very often, so that helps. He also has mellowed a bit.

 

I have always told my wife that I like her family better than I do mine....

Why, her mother-in-law is much better than my mother-in-law! :laugh: :love2:

 

:applause: Tim: applause:

Let's not forget - if we WANT good in-laws, we have to BE good in-laws.

 

On the other hand,
You can have great inlaws with them involved in your business.
My parents and my inlaws never demanded that we do anything.
On the other hand, my father made it clear from the outset that no abuse of me would be tolerated. (He didn't think there would be any abuse; he was just making it clear.)

There is lots of good advice on this thread.
But like drfuss, I think, said, there isn't one solution.
And like Blackbird says, it can take time.

I worked in the family business for my inlaws for over fifteen years.
They gave me a lot of personal advice. They asked for my advice on a number of occasions. My fil has died, but what a great guy he was!
My mil is a noble lady. It was wonderful working for them.
They were just expressing interest when they gave advice. They did not get upset when we did something different. If we had a goal, they wanted to help us get it done. Even this year, my mil helped us achieve a major goal. Just because it was important to us.

My parents were absolutely great. My mother is still alive. We just got back from a vacation with her. One of the life goals of my husband and me was to raise our children around family. Not just seeing grandparents or cousins in a group setting once in a great while. I have no regrets.

So my advice based on my experiences would be to have patience and look for the good in your inlaws and get to know them as friends. My husband and my father used to go target shooting together, for example.
If they give you advice, consider it and make a good decision.
Don't get all worked up because they gave you advice. You don't have to take it.