testimony

ok here it is... I don't know if anyone wants to read all this but I'm just gonna lay it out here and tell "ya'll" all about it. I was brought up in a very devout missionary baptist home here in southeast Texas. My dad's an ordained deacon. My mom is a good woman who was always so scared her kids would get messed up that she just forbid all things that seemed the least bit questionable to her but she didn't really know how to teach us why she believed these things to be wrong. Some very horrible things happened to me when I was very young at the hands of someone in the immediate family of the pastor. I won't go into specifics but instead I'll say it was bad enough but could've been worse. Then some more bad things happened to me involving someone else. They were sort of the same... bad, but could've been worse. I never told my parents about either of these two experiences, both of them were prior to the age of seven. I accepted Christ when I was 7 years old and joined the little backwoods missionary baptist church that my parents had been taking us to. Around that time my older sister and her boyfriend were about 16 -17 years old. They became involved with each other in inappropriate ways and I saw and heard things I should not have. Then FF a few years... I'm a freshman in highschool and am having some problems focusing on my studies and I end up in a fight with my best friend since toddlerhood in the cafeteria of my highschool. I'm not proud of this it was foolish and embarassing. Since it was 4 days before the last day of school, I spent the rest of the year in off campus suspension. My parents did what they thought was best and enrolled me in a baptist private school my sophmore year. I had to go through the summer that year knowing that I would not be with my friends when school started. I felt that they were being overbearing, overprotective, and ruining my life. I immediately started spending as much time as a could 3 doors down at my sister and brother-in-laws house. I was 15 years old when they introduced me to the world of drugs. I spent that summer smoking pot every day. When school started I was expelled within 3 weeks. My parents didn't know about the pot but they knew there were problems. They decided I would home school. I continued to do my school work at home in the mornings and then walk to my sisters house to get stoned for the afternoon. Then in 1994 just before I turned 17 it flooded down here in southeast Texas. Our home was not in a flood area and we had no flood insurance. Mom and Dad built the house in '76, and water had never been anywhere near it. We lost everything and then the state came in and condemned about 75% of our neighborhood. My parents had to live with other family while they went through this situation. It took them 14 months to be back in their own home again. Meanwhile my sister and her family immediately rented an apartment and my parents, not knowing what was going on, allowed me to move in with them. I was now exposed to some other drugs and this revolutionary idea that my sister and brother-in-law were involved in: open marriage. I heard all about the swinging that ultimately lead to my sister aborting a baby because she and her husband didn't think it was his and didn't want the rest of the family to know about it. Thats when I started dating the 29 year old man. My sister and bro-in-law agreed to keep it from my parents and allowed me to go out on numerous dates with him. When things started looking like they might be to dangerous my bro-in-law decided he didn't want to be resposible for me and kicked me out. I went to stay where my parents were staying and eventually ran away from home and moved into this man's home with his 3 custodial children.two boys ages 5 and 3 and one girl- 18 months old. I tried to restore my relationship with my parents after a while but mom was against the living together. So as soon as I turned 18, we went to the courthouse and I married him and he became abusive almost immediately afterward. I was MISERABLE. There was yelling, pushing, throwing, mental, emotional, and physical abuse, there were more drugs, I was always trying to get him out of jail. He was caught smuggling some stuff across the mexican border once. When I got pregnant I thought he'd straighten up... nope. When my little girl was 10 months old I decided I couldn't raise her like this anymore. I left.
But I didn't surrender everything, not yet. I justified the pot. I told myself that it was ok. God made it. It was calming and good.... Oh the lies we will tell ourselves when we want our way!
the bottom line was I still wanted my way, not Gods way. I moved in with the next boyfriend too.
My daughter fell in love with him. We were together about 3 years before the apart/together back and forth stuff began. He had commitment problems. He was afraid to make a decision about marriage and I was under serious conviction about my lifestyle. God was telling me to stop living in sin, and give Christ COMPLETE control of my life. His instructions were simple! Step one- repent. step two- move out. step three- get back in church. step 4- if you love this guy, tell him about Jesus. I didn't listen. That's when God started the discipline. One at a time he took things away. First the boyfriend decided he was going to move 1000 miles away, to his fathers house. I rented a house to live in with my little girl and I was just devastated that he left me. I eventually lost my job because I was so depressed I wouldn't go to work sometimes. Then I couldn't pay my car note and it got reposessed. I borrowed one of my parents cars. Then came the eviction. I was just about to move back into my parents house. I knew exactly what was going on. I knew I had to surrender. I finally decided to witness to this man that I'd lived with for 3 years and never shared my faith with. He prayed to receive Christ, it was wonderful, we both cried together joyfully. I expected God to fix everything in my life now.
He didn't. My boyfriend still didn't change his mind, no money showed up in my bank account to pay my bills in fact it got worse. Just a few days later I was driving down a 4 lane road when someone ran a red light hitting me broadside. My borrowed automobilbe was thrown 45 feet into a telephone pole and then rolled up onto it's side. My daughter had asked to sit in an unusual spot that day and I don't know what may have happened if she had not been belted in right next to me instead of by the window. We excaped with some cuts and bad bruises. The truck was a total loss. So lets see... I'm down a boyfriend, a house, a job, and 2 cars. My mom took me home so I could spend the last 2 or 3 days in my house packing up my stuff. That night is when I knew Jesus didn't want a part of my life he wanted to consume my life. EVERY BIT OF IT!!!! I surrendered ALL to him that night. It was no longer about getting what I wanted. I knew he was pursuing me, and somehow through all that horrible stuff, I felt so loved. I didn't care about what I wanted for my life anymore. I wanted whatever God wanted and I turned from my sin and truely gave control to him. I joined a baptist church in my community and got myself and my daughter involved in sunday school there too. Then one night my "boyfriend" called and told me that because of his relationship with God, he was no longer afraid of making a decision about our relationship. He said he didn't have to fear it because he was trusting in God to lead him. All the time before he didn't know how to decide, he felt he might make the wrong decision. Now he said he knew it was the right decision because he had prayed about it and had peace. He said I'm ready to get in my car and Drive back to Texas if you'll be my wife. I said yes. We are not the same people we were. When he got back it was like a totally new relationship because we were both right with the Lord. We are now commited to Christ first and foremost. We're in church, My daughter accepted Christ last summer, We have an 8 month old Baby boy, and we just bought our first home. God has poured so much blessing on our lives since we gave him his rightful place.
Please pray for my niece and nephew, the children of the sister and bro-in-law. They are teenagers now and I fear they are headed for a hard road because of their parents guidance. I believe that satan has a hold in the lives of their parents and ask that you would pray for their whole family.

 

*escaped... please overlook my errors... I was typing fast and this is actually a pretty condensed version of my story. I know that the lord wants me to use my testimony. I am ashamed of my past and if I had to use my real name on here I doubt I would have told all of this. I am praying for clarity about how and if God wants me to use my testimony /experiences in a ministry somwhere/how/when/who...

 

Thank you all very much for your prayers and kind words.