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The Cemetary Visit

Discussion in 'Jokes & Humor (Clean)' started by tyndale1946, May 2, 2017.

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  1. tyndale1946

    tyndale1946 Well-Known Member
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    A man went to the cemetery to put flowers on a friends grave. As he was putting flowers in a vase he recently filled with water he spotted another man laying out a full meal on another grave. He thought to himself I think I'll have little fun... He hollers over to the other man arranging and setting out the meal... Hey!... He says: When do you think your friend is going to come up and eat his food... The other fellow hollers back about the same time your friend comes up to smell his flowers... Brother Glen:D
     
    #1 tyndale1946, May 2, 2017
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  2. rlvaughn

    rlvaughn Well-Known Member
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    A few days ago John went by to visit the rural cemetery where several of his relatives were buried. It was a pretty day and he decided to take a leisurely stroll and read epitaphs on graves of folks he didn't know. There were many of the standards -- “Rest in Peace,” “Gone but not forgotten,” and so on. A massive display caught his eye and he turned aside to read it. “A lawyer and a good man,” it was inscribed.

    “Hmm,” thought John, “They must have buried two people there!”
     
    #2 rlvaughn, May 2, 2017
    Last edited: May 2, 2017
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  3. Salty

    Salty 20,000 Posts Club
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    An eccentric man had 30,000 dollars when he died - and wanted to be buried with his cash - so his son complied with his wishes. He carefully put 50 - 100 dollar bills into six separate envelopes and put them inside his dads suit jacket.

    The Doctor walked by the casket and insisted that he was owed 10 grand for the mans final medical procedures
    and took two envelops.
    The Pastor walked by and just knew that this man would want a new kitchen in the church, so he took two envelops
    and promised to honor the man by naming the kitchen after him.
    The lawyer saw all this and was aghast at what the doctor did. The lawyer mentioned to his wife he would never do such a thing to one of his clients - so he took out his checkbook and wrote a check for 10,000 dollars........
     
    #3 Salty, May 2, 2017
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  4. tyndale1946

    tyndale1946 Well-Known Member
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    A man about midnight staggered out of the local bar and decided to take a shortcut across the cemetery to get home. On his way across he did not notice the freshly dug grave prepare for that days burial and tumbled in. He tried and tried every means to get out but being drunk and exhausted, he fell asleep in the corner. Around two when the bars closed another fella staggered out of the bar in same drunken stupor and thought the same thing of crossing the cemetery to get home and he fell into the same hole not noticing the other drunk in the corner. He struggled and struggled to get out and the commotion woke up the other drunk in the corner. Awaking from his drunken stupor and in his gravely voice said: You're never going to get out of here touching him... BUT HE DID!
     
    #4 tyndale1946, May 2, 2017
  5. tyndale1946

    tyndale1946 Well-Known Member
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    There are variations to this joke as different tellers put their slant on them... One variation is as follows:

    The drunk that was left in the hole was a back-slidden Christian... Upon waking up to a bright sunshine morning pulls himself up to the edge of the grave and looking around says shouting... "ITS RESURRECTION MORNING AND I'M THE FIRST ONE UP"
     
    #5 tyndale1946, May 2, 2017
  6. Happy

    Happy Well-Known Member
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    PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.

    'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy.

    Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

    The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

    The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
     
    #6 Happy, Jun 25, 2017
  7. Happy

    Happy Well-Known Member
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    THE YOUNG PASTOR

    A young pastor, fresh from the seminary, was asked by a local funeral director to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. Of course, he agreed.

    Taking his duties very seriously, the pastor started early the next morning to the cemetery. However, he quickly made several wrong turns and got himself lost. When he finally arrived (over an hour late), the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the workmen were eating lunch. He got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sigh, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.

    As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we should tell him it's a septic tank."
     
    #7 Happy, Jun 25, 2017
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