The reason why I was trying to commit suicide was because I realized that the whole world was corrupted and everyone is selfish, nobody was living for others, there was no justice in the world, and that they were all sinful and even news media were instigating and prompting the people to become lascivious. The more tragedy which I found was that I myself was not different from the others at all, even though such corruption didn't burst out visibly. The whole world and myself were extremely corrupted and sinful, which was irretrievable.
Then finally I asked a question, "What the hell is God doing now? If He exist really, He must answer me!" Because in my view, God seemed to be just a spectator watching all the agony of the people on this world. Finally I concluded that there is no way other than blowing up the whole world, and I wanted to blow up myself first, declaring that the whole world must follow me!
That's why I was preparing a dynamite bomb. I developped a very good device for ignition with a filament of an electric bulb and succeeded in the test. I planted it underneath of a persimmon tree and ingnited it, then a huge explosion occurred, scattering the soils over the roof of the house. I intended to conduct it in the downtown after writing 2 letters, one to a famous newspaper and the other to one of my best friends who is a famous journalist now.
My personality was that whatever I decided and concluded right, I must do it at whichever cost.
At that time, several questions arose in me,
1) Are you sure that the next world is better than this world?
2) Are you sure that you are right in your judgment and decision? Yes! I have so many proofs that the whole world and myself are corrupted!
3) Are you sure that God has done nothing for that problem ?
For Q 3) I wanted to check with a professor and Doctor in Divinity, but he refused talking with me, saying that he would be busy for several months. Then I searched the most sincere pastor and concluded that a pastor whom I knew before was the right person to ask. I attended his church. There he asked the attendants to read Galatians 2:20. Next Wednesday was scheduled for my suicide bombing. Just before noon time, at Sunday service, on Sept 2, 1973, I realized that I was already crucified with Christ, when I read Gal 2:20. God has done a tremendous job for me and for the whole world, already about 1950 years ago!
After the service, I asked the pastor, " why didn't you tell me about that truth before, because I was trying to blow up myself? " then he said "I was speaking about it all the time, but your heart was not humble enough to listen to that truth. I had the same problem like you and was born again in Lord 5 years after I became a Pastor. In other words I was preaching the Gospel and asked the people to believe in Jesus, while I was not a true believer and was not born-again. I myself was not saved while I was trying to preach the salvation to the people."
I would have become the first Suicide Bomber in the world!
