Understanding Skiing Terms

2004 SEASON GUIDE TO SKIING TERMS

Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First
Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury
during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis
skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however;
the 2 bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good
exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It
has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country
Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding
through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes,
hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping
into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes:
1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of
stairs.
2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge
with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at
least 30 minutes.
3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the
floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to
your feet.

Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting
any dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia:
Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along
with these other physical laws:
1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have
larger hospital and home care bills.
2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
our universe.
3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see
"Tree")

Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall
just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede
it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans.

Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is
"Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the
hill).

Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes
a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should
be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth.

Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
The other method.