Bad Advice Only

Dye your hair green and tell your boss you have a paid holiday for National Leprechaun-American Day.

How can I get my chickens to lay more eggs?

 

How can I get my chickens to lay more eggs?


Cook them some ... are you ready for this? Cook them some "egg"plant!


How do you tell your landlord that you accidentally dropped your teflon cookie sheet on his carpeted kitchen floor How did it happen you ask?Well, when I was taking the pizza out of the hot oven it slipped off of the pan and landed on the floor! I was so upset that I had dropped the hot pizza on the floor that I dropped the cookie sheet too... I sure hope that our landlord will not kick us out of here. It was an accident!!

 

Tell your landlord that you’ve contributed to the wonderfully padded (begin rolling eyes) but maybe not so functional fashion design (while continuing to roll your eyes) of putting (add emphasis here) “CARPET in the KITCHEN!!!” while sarcastically rolling your eyes once again and frowning at him for effect. Then wait for him to get a puzzled look of his face and ask what you mean before breaking the news. When you reply with the rest of the story be sure and let him know how any damages from this accident are his fault for putting CARPET in the KITCHEN! (the back and forth side shift with the head might be a good effect while doing this, you might want to practice all this in the mirror a few times first).

Lately, while making coffee and eggs I keep accidently pouring my coffee creamer instead of a touch of milk in my eggs in the morning. Went ahead and tried it once but it tasted awful... how do I stop this annoying occurrence?

 

Take a taxi! :laugh:

I found the perfect outfit but it costs too much. Should I get it anyway and hide the receipt?

 

Just give the clerk several $100 over the amount due, stick the clothes in your handbag and walk to the bathroom to put it on. Take your old clothes off and put them on the hanger and have the clerk bag it.



I need to vacuum but my cats don't like the noise.

 

Duct tape - 3 times around the ears - if that doesn't work tape their legs together and stick them somewhere out of the way for a while (closet, clothes dryer, etc.)

I can't seem to get enough protein in my diet while keeping my carbs up and calories down?

 

Eat Saggy's cats for extra protein. If that doesn't work, don't worry, she won't let you live long. :laugh:

The hawks keep trying to get my chickens. It's illegal to kill the hawks. What should I do?

 

Dip your chickens in Rat Poison.


I have a rash on my leg. How can I get rid of it?

 

Take a picture of yourself in a bikini with a blond wig and makeup on and send it to them with a note saying Hasselbeck ain't got nothin on you.

I'm about to build a dog run with a 4 foot fence, to contain a 1 foot dog, who can jump about 5 feet high. How do make her understand the rules here.

 

Have the dog train the owner!

What is the best way to end a phone call ?

 

Have them go to the swimming pool and sit on a large man or woman's naked butt cheeks, hence a moon.



I don't like the selection for Pope.

 

Just keep telling her the "truth" that you "are" on a diet. All you have to do is fail to mention that diet consists of pizza, double cheeseburgers and fries, milk shakes and candy.

I’ve got too much on my mind to sleep and I need to get up early and be at my best for a working interview tomorrow…

 

Take double Benedryl, drink an energy drink or two, then lay down.



March Madness is all over the television.

 

Log into their account and post for them.



I am tired of having a lot of tv stations filled with basketball.