Bad Advice Only

Neither. Watch MTV instead and learn how to do the charleston..

A guy just came up to me wanting to show me he just learned the charleston...

 

I broke my ankle turning the channel to Fox News and my Obamacare hasn't kicked in yet...

 

Cut off your foot and use it to hail a cab to the ER.




I put grape koolaid in the bucket and now there are children from all over the neighborhood trying to to drink my bucket. Help!

 

Put on a 'kool-aid man' costume and start playing a flute....the kids will follow...

I just saw the 'kool-aid man' playing a flute, leading kids out of the city...

 

Find out if you took LSD. If not, follow them from a safe distance and go ahead and call the cops to make sure everyone is safe.





I found this rooster standing guard over a clock radio. Should I help him or should I catch him and take the clock radio?

 

First, take a bag of flour and shake it at the rooster. If that doesn't make him move, then nothing will. Then take the clock radio and throw it at the rooster and put him in the bag of flour. Suppertime...

I was tested for LSD, but it was negative...what do I do now? I flunked the eye test?

 

Pluck out your eyes, for it is better to enter in maimed than with an offending part. Just be careful you don't walk into the door jamb.





I got a bag of flowers instead. It ticked off the rooster and now he's beating me with the clock radio. What do I do?

 

Ask the rooster for the time and he'll be dumb enough to hand the clock radio over. Then clean his clock by taking it apart and giving it a good dusting. Take the flowers and feed them to the rooster, and then cluck to him. You'll become instant friends. Walk into the house with him...WHAM!! Chicken n dumplings....


I saw a feller romancing a rooster with gifts of flowers and a clock radio. It must be a special love, because he took it apart and cleaned it. Do I call the PETA, ASPCA, FBI, or some other entity?

 

What did he take apart, the rooster or the radio? That will determine who you should call, but I would call the Ghostbusters first.





I get the feeling that some "feller" from Kentucky is stalking me. What should I do about it?

 

Go to Breathitt County, KY sheriff's office and file a complaint about some guy stalking you. Also tell them his wife looks like Sarah Palin...


Some guy just dissected a rooster(RIP) and a clock radio and put the chicken guts in the clock radio and the radio guts in the rooster(CPR saved him!!!)and now the clock crows...and the rooster has radio stations...

 

Promote them both as side-show attractions and try to make a quick buck before the rooster-clock and the radio-chicken both kick the bucket.





I traveled to Kentucky but I got lost in the mountains. I think I hear banjos. What should I do?

 

Learn to square dance and git gee-tar lessons, join'em and enjoy....




I just saw a feller who needs a chiropracter. Any suggestions?

 

Give him the number to the local veterinarian. If they can take care of horses, they should be able to take care of him.





I managed to escape the banjo players, but now I'm stuck on a raft floating down the Rockcastle River. What do I do now?

 

Take that rooster(I'm sure he's with you, seeing he has become a cult legend in this thread), and tie him to a fishing line. Throw him into the river and use him for catfish bait. A 75 lb'er will chase after him, and voila'!! You now have an Mercury outboard motor(rooster's name is Mercury...forgot to tell you his name earlier).

I just saw a guy with the oddest looking raft. He was flying down the river with a rooster pulling it...

 

Take pictures. That rooster is a legend.




So I'm trying to raft my way down the river with the rooster pulling me, but then this guy pops up no the river bank and starts taking pictures, blinding me with the flash in the process. It hurt my retinas...

 

Close your eyes and call upon your inner 'Mr. Miyagi', take a rock and throw it at him.

The guy on that raft just threw a rock at me...

 

Pick up the nearest big stick and go after him. Before you do, make a couple of shallow cuts on your legs to draw out any alligators or leeches to help you take him down.




The guy with the camera is now wading into the water, coming my way, and is mumbling something incoherent. It looks like he's carrying a stick and he may have cut himself...

 

Pick up a bottle cap and begin flipping it like a coin saying, "It's coituns for you Mugsy, coituns". That will cause him to stop and wonder what you're doing.


A guy's flipping a bottlecap in the air and saying, "It's coituns for you Mugsy, coituns." But I'm not Mugsy....