Bad Advice Only

Legally change your name to Mugsy.





The guy on the river bank is now asking me for directions to the nearest government office where he can legally change his name.

 

Give him that bottlecap and tell him to hail a taxi to Swell City, WA. Make him take Mercury with him.


A fella just gave me a bottlecap and a rooster and told me to go to Swell...

 

By another site and use www.baptistbored.com. That'll show'em.

I am on a ship with a bunch of rowdy pagans. I keep hearing, "Toss them overboard, that'll teach'em!"

 

Pick up an axe and chop a hole in the bottom of the ship. Laugh Loudly. Know you had vengeance, saith you.




Its cold outside, and I have to get out in it to go home. How do I handle that?

 

Have someone do this to your home and you won't have to get out in the cold.




I just saw someone torching a house...

 

Call the guy on the raft and see if he can divert the river to the burning house.




Some guy keeps calling me about diverting a river. Any thoughts on how?

 

A guy just came over to me and asked for a spoon. Should I re-use it if/when he gives it back to me?

 

Tell your wife to go into town and get a copy of your deed. While she's gone, plant the evidence....


A guy is screaming at me saying I gave him some bad advice about starting another baptist message board....

 

Publicly humiliate him by starting a thread with his name in the title.

My voice is give out and I don't feel like leading the hymns today. What to do?

 

Sounds like it's time for some old fashioned Christian karaoke!





The church across the street from me is advertising a karaoke night with a sign-up sheet listed on some "bored" baptist website. Should I call the cops, seeing as they're really disturbing the peace?

 

Call up the local authorities, they have a deputy shefiff that is a really good singer. He can teach you some sanging lessons...




I just heard someone singing like a 'caterwauling tenor', and he absolutely can't sign...not...a...lick!!!!

 

Get him some of Aunt Bee's Kerosene Pickles. They're world famous!



Some guy with a jar of pickles just came by asking if I had a can of Kerosene he could borrow. Should I lend it to him?

 

That's funnier than listening to a studderer trying to say 'propeller'....


Give him a zippo lighter and smoke one with him....

I just saw two guys smoking pickles....

 

Call the cops and tell them that you have two perps igniting crop fires.




I tried calling the cops because I'm afraid that my neighbor is calling the cops. I got a busy signal. What should I do?

 

Take the zippo lighter and make a fire and send smoke signals...

A guy is smoking a pickle whilst making a fire...

 

Run through the smoke and tackle him. Then hold him down and kind of smother him with a blanket. Just say you thought the pickle had set him one fire and that he needed to be put out.





The guy next door is trying to smother me with a blanket. He keeps murmuring something about a "pickle fire."

 

Act like your dead. When he gets up to leave, jump to your feet and bash him in the noggin with your shillelagh. From there do an Irish jig around his body and sing the Pickle Fire song.

I lent someone my bass who needed one for a gig but didn't have the money to buy one. He said someone stole it out of his car. Funny thing is, he somehow came up with the money to buy his own. What to do?

 

Act like your dead. When he gets in his car to leave, jump on his hood and break his windshield with your shillelagh. From there do an Irish jig around his car and sing the "You stole My Bass" song.





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