How would you counsel a woman who's husband won't work?

[annsni]

I have a friend who's husband will not work. He's not looked for a job in over a year and he just will not work to support their family. How they are paying bills right now I have no idea, but they have no money right now to pay for food, rent or anything else. She wants to get a job but her husband does not want her to so she's submitting to him in this but it means an unsure future for her family (with children). I know I'm a very strong-willed person and this would be an issue for me and I'd take matters into my own hand and get a job but I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do.

So how would you counsel her?

 

[Steven2006]

Do they attend church? If so I would advise her to ask the pastor to pay him a visit. Someone needs to talk with him. If not the pastor then at least someone he respects.

 

[Steven2006]

One more thing. I would suspect that he might have some type of problem, either psychological or maybe a drug habit, but for a man act this way shows some type of problem.

 

[annsni]

From my understanding, the pastor did speak to him but he still will not get a job. The pastor got them into a new apartment last year which was less expensive than where they were before.

It couldn't be drugs because they literally have no money. He has no way to get any and I don't think he's that kind of a guy.

 

[Steven2006]

Was his behaviour normal up to that point (year ago when he stop working)? Did he hold a steady job up to that point?

 

[annsni]

Was his behaviour normal up to that point (year ago when he stop working)? Did he hold a steady job up to that point?

As far as I know, he's not worked for some time. He did go out to look for a job supposedly but never found one.

 

[Steven2006]

Well if he has been this way for years, he might just be a very selfish and lazy man. But I would still be concerned that he might have some type of emotional problem. The fact that he has a wife and children that need food and he doesn't care to work or allow her to do so, is a very big red flag something is seriously wrong. Does he have any family that could intercede? A parent, or brother or sister maybe? He might need some type of medication. It could be depression, he really should see a doctor.

 

[SaggyWoman]

My first quick response is don't feed him.




I am sorry, but my independent nature is getting me. I also think that possibly she needs to be looking and obtain a job, then move out on her own with the children. She needs to draw the line and tell him to cross it with a job.

 

[annsni]

I was wondering if it were Biblical to counsel her to leave her husband, get a job and support her family - but not divorcing him. It would be a way to "turn him over" and maybe allow God to deal with him without harming the family. But then again, I wonder if that's the submissive thing to do.

This one is a tough one. I usually know what to say but this one has me a bit stumped. I know how I'd deal with it (see above in this post - LOL) but I'm not sure that is the RIGHT thing to do.

 

[Agnus_Dei]

I was wondering if it were Biblical to counsel her to leave her husband, get a job and support her family - but not divorcing him.

i think so, he has abandoned her and is not fulfilling his role as a husband biblically. they/he needs serious counseling (from a licensed therapist), this guy has very serious issues.

or

if it has nothing to do with alcohol/drugs or any addiction and just plain laziness and being a jealous control freak...send over a group of deacons to have a little heart to heart "talk" with him, get him motivated again......not that i recommend such action, but i was raised in the South, and i've heard of this happening...

In XC
-

 

[Agnus_Dei]

As far as I know, he's not worked for some time. He did go out to look for a job supposedly but never found one.

this bum can find a job...get him some steel toed boots and find any construction site and if he shows up willing to work upon arrival...they'll work him that day. i worked contruction after i got out of the military, guys would show up on site wanting work, some came prepared to work immediately, others said they'd come back tomorrow, but never showed back up...

In XC
-

 

[Johnv]

I was wondering if it were Biblical to counsel her to leave her husband, get a job and support her family - but not divorcing him.

Get a job and support her family, yes. Leave him, no. Other than that, assuming this is neither an issue of lack of job oportunity, nor an issue of him suffering from a form of medical depression, then it's an issue of her having married a selfish and lazy sloth. I get the impression from your posts she knew this is the type of person he was when they married (although probably not to this extent). If that's the case, she can't complain about it now (well, she can, but it won't change much). It's unreasonable to have a seat in an italian restaurant, and then complain about dim sum not being on the menu.

That said, it's worth noting that we're only getting one side of the situation. It would be interesting to get his input as well to see if there are other underlying issues going on.

 

[JohnDeereFan]

I have a friend who's husband will not work. He's not looked for a job in over a year and he just will not work to support their family. How they are paying bills right now I have no idea, but they have no money right now to pay for food, rent or anything else. She wants to get a job but her husband does not want her to so she's submitting to him in this but it means an unsure future for her family (with children). I know I'm a very strong-willed person and this would be an issue for me and I'd take matters into my own hand and get a job but I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do.

So how would you counsel her?

In these economic times, the first thing I would do is to make sure it's a matter of "won't work" and not one of" no opportunity to work".

I'd also want to make sure there's not something else going on. One of the things doctors are seeing among those dealing with unemployment in this economy is a sharp rise in cases of severe depression. Speaking as some one who's dealt with severe clinical depression for years, it can paralyze you.

So, eliminating any physical/mental/emotional cause, and it's just a matter of laziness, I would consider that a sin and follow the Biblical guidlines for dealing with sin (ie. confront him and give him an opportunity to repent and, if not, proceed with church disipline.)

 

[Revmitchell]

Just at face value to the op it would appear that she needs to do what is necessary to take care of herself and the kids. But the truth is in such situations the details can be more than is obvious. Without talking to both of them I would be hesitant to say much.

 

[annsni]

But is it right to counsel her to work when her husband specifically said that he does not want her to work? That would be counseling her to disobey her husband. I know there are times we need to do that but is this one of them?

 

[Revmitchell]

But is it right to counsel her to work when her husband specifically said that he does not want her to work? That would be counseling her to disobey her husband. I know there are times we need to do that but is this one of them?

Yes. Taking care of the family is scriptural and we should never counsel women to take the husbands word over God's.

 

[Johnv]

But is it right to counsel her to work when her husband specifically said that he does not want her to work?

Good question. There's a welfare issue here. The responsibility of the family's welfare befalls both the husband and wife. If, in this case, the husband is not able to provide for his family's welfare, then it befalls the wife to do so. That is not contrary to scripture at all.

That would be counseling her to disobey her husband.

A husband's headship does not give the husband authority to "command" his wife, so there's no issue of disobedience here. Further, scripture does not give the husband authority to instruct the wife to do something that is a detriment to the family. Some would argue that the husband tellign the wife to do so is immoral, and I would not disagree with that.

I know there are times we need to do that but is this one of them?

Yes, absolutely. Husband headship is neither autocratic nor absolute.

 

[SBCPreacher]

I think her father (or brothers) needs to have a "heart-to-heart" discussion with him.

Maybe someone needs to throw the bum out.

(I guess I'm not feeling very compassionate today, but this guy seems to be a looser. Any man who refuses to provide for his family is a sorry excuse for a man! The wife and kids need better than that.)

 

[Peggy]

The husband may be depressed. It might be a good idea for him to consult with a psychologist and see if he is depressed. Medication and professional counseling may be what is needed to help this man and his family.

Dave Dravecky's wife wrote a powerful book about her experience with depression after her husband lost his arm to cancer and was no longer able to work as a major league pitcher. She found medication and counseling were crucial for her to become well again.

 

[ccrobinson]

He's not looked for a job in over a year and he just will not work to support their family... She wants to get a job but her husband does not want her to so she's submitting to him in this but it means an unsure future for her family (with children).

This is insanity. He's not mentally disabled, is he? I can't begin to wrap my mind around the kind of mindset that thinks this is Ok.

(I guess I'm not feeling very compassionate today, but this guy seems to be a looser. Any man who refuses to provide for his family is a sorry excuse for a man! The wife and kids need better than that.)

I'm with you, preacher.

But is it right to counsel her to work when her husband specifically said that he does not want her to work? That would be counseling her to disobey her husband. I know there are times we need to do that but is this one of them?

Yes, this is one of those times. If he doesn't want her to work, then he needs to show her exactly how they're not going to starve.