How would you counsel a woman who's husband won't work?

[menageriekeeper]

But is it right to counsel her to work when her husband specifically said that he does not want her to work? That would be counseling her to disobey her husband. I know there are times we need to do that but is this one of them?

Ann, we believe we are to obey God first and man second, correct?

In this case, if it is a sin to let their children do without, then it is as much a sin for HER to let them do without as it is for him (though God has things to say to a person in authority that is not living up to his responsibility).

So yes. This is one of those times when she needs to do what is right: provide for her children, even though her husband wishes for her to continue in the sin of allowing them to do without.

The Bible has all kinds of things to say about fatherhood and I'm gonna tell you, this man ain't living up to any of them. "What father will his son stones when he asks for bread?" comes to mind (though I can't come up with the exact reference at the moment)

The Bible also speaks of those who won't work. It says if they won't work, they shouldn't eat.

In light of these passages and others like them, yes, she needs to find care for her kids (cause I'm guessing he won't want to care for them) and find a job.

But I also agree with the above possibility that this man is VERY depressed. That possibility needs to be examined very carefully by members of their church and her and his families. That is not to say she shouldn't go to work while they look at that possibility though. Both at the same time could work fine.

 

[sag38]

Very Simple:

My children would come first. Submission does not involve endangering the lives of one's children. She shouldn't divorce the lazy slug (He is worse than an infidle and has denied the faith.) but I'd advise her to get a job for the kids sake despite what her infidle husband says.

 

[Thinkingstuff]

Tough situation. I wouldn't council anyone on anything here. Especially, the female because she is a female and I make it a rule not to council females.

 

[Salty]

Tough situation. I wouldn't council anyone on anything here. Especially, the female because she is a female and I make it a rule not to council females.

Do you mean you would not counsel her alone, or not at all.

If not at all, then who in the church should cousel her? raying:

Salty

 

[Thinkingstuff]

Do you mean you would not counsel her alone, or not at all.

If not at all, then who in the church should cousel her? raying:

Salty

I wouldn't council her at all. I might council her husband and I would be rather rough and probably suggest therapy.

I think the elder ladies should first council her. Then the Pastor with other people such as the Pastor's wife and an elder lady of the church.

 

[John Toppass]

Ann,

First of all, I can see the tough situation you are in. What does you husband say about it. He is a pastor is he not? How did this come to you? The fact that your not sure what to do might be a sign that you may need to let someone else council her and her family. Sometimes being too close to the sitiuation does not let one see the whole and then sometimes only one side is seen.

I, myself, would be ready to give the bum a thrashing but my Lord tells me I am not to do that in fact I should be as longsuffering with them as God is with me.

This is where ministry kicks in. I was taught that ministry is giving a need to those in need, without the expectation of return to the ministry by those being ministered too.

My prayers are given for this family and you. I hope to hear how victory was won so that we all may gain knowledge and wisdom in this experience.

 

[annsni]

Ann,

First of all, I can see the tough situation you are in. What does you husband say about it. He is a pastor is he not?

He had some pretty strong words. Of course if he were in our own church, he'd have a strong talking to by a number of very large men. Hubby said "Don't feed him. Make dinner, feed the kids, ignore him and refuse to feed him." but I don't see how that would play out practically.

How did this come to you? The fact that your not sure what to do might be a sign that you may need to let someone else council her and her family. Sometimes being too close to the sitiuation does not let one see the whole and then sometimes only one side is seen.

Actually, it's someone I know online so I'm not intimately involved at all - and that's why I don't have all of the fact but what I have heard from the wife over the last few years. I have told her that she should have her pastor speak to him but I'm trying to figure out if my gut answer is the right answer to give her Biblically.

I, myself, would be ready to give the bum a thrashing but my Lord tells me I am not to do that in fact I should be as longsuffering with them as God is with me.

This is where ministry kicks in. I was taught that ministry is giving a need to those in need, without the expectation of return to the ministry by those being ministered too.

My prayers are given for this family and you. I hope to hear how victory was won so that we all may gain knowledge and wisdom in this experience.

I agree with the thrashing because honestly, he's not much of a man if he's not providing for his family but I don't know all of the situation so I can't say for sure what's going on. If I learn of anything new, I'll let you know.

 

[billwald]

Sometimes you gots to do something even if it is wrong. Divorce the bum. Argue it with God later.

 

[rbell]

Sometimes you gots to do something even if it is wrong. Divorce the bum. Argue it with God later.

Wow. Did Jesus teach you those ethics?

Oh wait...yeah, that was the boy who, in your words, "sassed his parents."

I guess anything goes when you decide truth doesn't matter.

Pretty sad way to exist, IMHO.

 

[FriendofSpurgeon]

I have a friend who's husband will not work. He's not looked for a job in over a year and he just will not work to support their family. How they are paying bills right now I have no idea, but they have no money right now to pay for food, rent or anything else. She wants to get a job but her husband does not want her to so she's submitting to him in this but it means an unsure future for her family (with children). I know I'm a very strong-willed person and this would be an issue for me and I'd take matters into my own hand and get a job but I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do.

So how would you counsel her?

Scripturally, I believe this comes under abandonement, as he is clearly abadoning his responsibilities to his wife and to his children. While I wouldn't necessarily counsel divorce at this time, I believe that she has the Scriptural basis for separation -- with perhaps reconciliation based on his future behavior. In addition, she has a moral (and legal) responsibility to take care of her children, regardless of how lazy her husband is.

PS -- You are right -- it is the right thing to do. Submission has nothing to do with failing to provide for your family.

 

[donnA]

We have a lot of people like that here. Men who just do not want to work, and will not work. They usually take up with a woman who gets some kind of check, welfare, social security and food stamps, this is what they and children literally live on. Not necessarily a mental problem, and certainly no physical problem, and most of the ones I've seen no drug problems, they just do not want to work. I think some men were just never taught they had responsibilities and were expected to work.
if her husband refuses to take responibility for the family, for taking proper care of her children, whats she going to do, continue to allow them to be negelected? and that is exactly what this is, negelect. She has the resonsibility to take care of her children if he will not. Otherwise it's not just his negelect but hers too.

 

[Thinkingstuff]

We have a lot of people like that here. Men who just do not want to work, and will not work. They usually take up with a woman who gets some kind of check, welfare, social security and food stamps, this is what they and children literally live on. Not necessarily a mental problem, and certainly no physical problem, and most of the ones I've seen no drug problems, they just do not want to work. I think some men were just never taught they had responsibilities and were expected to work.
if her husband refuses to take responibility for the family, for taking proper care of her children, whats she going to do, continue to allow them to be negelected? and that is exactly what this is, negelect. She has the resonsibility to take care of her children if he will not. Otherwise it's not just his negelect but hers too.

I'm a man who does not want to work. How do I find a woman that will take care of me and let me be irresponsable? I even suggested to my wife that she work and I'll take care of the kids. It was a no go. Hmmm something went wrong in my selection process.

 

[donnA]

I'm a man who does not want to work. How do I find a woman that will take care of me and let me be irresponsable? I even suggested to my wife that she work and I'll take care of the kids. It was a no go. Hmmm something went wrong in my selection process.

LOL, no I think you selected right.
There are women who think they need a man no matter what, and will accept anything to have one, even keeping them up with their kids welfare money and food stamps. And as long as they do not report him in the house they can get by with it. Of course since he's not the father and they aren't married the state really doesn't care anyway how much of her check and food stamps she spends on him instead of the kids.
there are a lot of these men, they are pretty common.
why women sacrifice their kids for men I don't know, maybe it's selfishness.

 

[Steven2006]

Actually, it's someone I know online so I'm not intimately involved at all - and that's why I don't have all of the fact but what I have heard from the wife over the last few years. I have told her that she should have her pastor speak to him but I'm trying to figure out if my gut answer is the right answer to give her Biblically.

If your "gut" felling is to suggest she leave her husband, I would certainly be very cautious. Do you even know the husband at all? If you only know her through online and do not know the family personally like you now suggest, I think you are not in position to recommend she leave her husband. This woman needs help, and you can try and recommend she reach out to her church, family etc, but I am not sure you are close enough to the situation to make that call.

Just my two cents, I don't envy you because it is a tough situation to be in. Probably the best thing is to do what I am sure you have been doing. Pray for her.

 

[annsni]

If your "gut" felling is to suggest she leave her husband, I would certainly be very cautious. Do you even know the husband at all? If you only know her through online and do not know the family personally like you now suggest, I think you are not in position to recommend she leave her husband. This woman needs help, and you can try and recommend she reach out to her church, family etc, but I am not sure you are close enough to the situation to make that call.

Just my two cents, I don't envy you because it is a tough situation to be in. Probably the best thing is to do what I am sure you have been doing. Pray for her.

I agree. I haven't said that she should leave her husband although I told my husband if this were me, I'd change the locks when he left to go to the store or something. Let him get back on track and he's welcome back but jeepers! Take care of your family dude!

I did chat with her online last night and I showed her the verse that speaks of those not taking care of their family have "abandoned the faith" and are worse than infidels. I told her that by being abandoned the way she has, she has every right and responsibility to take care of her family. She argued that Scripture never says that there is an out to obeying her husband. So while he's being totally disobedient to the Lord, she and her children have to suffer. He tells her to "have faith". Faith that God will reward disobedience? I don't think so.

 

[donnA]

then she is kowingly chosing to allow her children to be negelected. how does she feel about that?
The kind of women I described, I can have no respect for them, who allow their children to suffer and go hungry for a man.

 

[annsni]

then she is kowingly chosing to allow her children to be negelected. how does she feel about that?
The kind of women I described, I can have no respect for them, who allow their children to suffer and go hungry for a man.

I know. They have food right now - not sure how they have money with no work coming in. But she talks about what she's cooking each night.

 

[Aaron]

My advice:
Cancel the phone service, TV, Internet and Credit Cards. Stay home and look forward to a time of fasting, prayer and weight loss.

Hunger is a powerful motivator. He won't remain idle.

 

[annsni]

My advice:
Cancel the phone service, TV, Internet and Credit Cards. Stay home and look forward to a time of fasting, prayer and weight loss.

Hunger is a powerful motivator. He won't remain idle.

LOL - I know. I don't think they have credit cards and they already cancelled the phone (just have a cheap cell phone), TV comes with the rent and they have no internet - just hop on whoever's wireless network when they can.

But the fasting thing could work. LOL My husband said "He don't work, he don't eat. Cook, feed the kids and do NOT feed him. It's a command in the Scriptures."