I've seen the same types of behavior, both in Christian and non-Christian situations.
In some Christian circumstances, including marriage, I've seen where the man considers himself the head of the household -- which is indeed a proper biblical position -- except that as head they see themselves as "king." That is sad. They expect their woman to jump for them, do all the dirty work, and then after... well you know. Even when this is done in a "nice" way, it still grates on my nerves. It takes the whole concept of biblical submission to a place where God never takes it. Of course, in secular situations, anything goes. I've seen couples that beat on each other, denigrate each other, and fight worse than a pair of junkyard dogs. Sad, sad, sad.
Some men have a need to be "strong" and as such, put everyone under their feet. There is only one cure that I've seen for that -- someone or something stronger than that man who can set him into his place. I've been that someone in a few situations and it is always a shocking sort of thing to the man that gets set down...
Such behavior often comes from, as has already been mentioned, cultural and traditional lines. But, I think it comes from other than that as well. In Genesis 3, we see Adam blaming God and Eve for his sin. "The woman you gave me..." The enemy that causes us to tear each other apart uses this same tactic with much success, and he has maximized its effectiveness, even through Christian circles. We see further that God cursed both man and woman, and that curse makes our lives difficult at times (mildly stated!).
Then, there are the differences between men and women that come into play. Men operate in a land where respect is king and is their native language. When they don't get the respect they feel they need or deserve, they'll often extract it from someone else -- wife and kids perhaps. Women, however, operate in the realm of love, and are also created by God to be helpmates (not slaves!) and so in order to please their hubby or other men, women often serve -- sometimes out of duty, sometimes cultural expectation, and sometimes so they don't get beat! Not realizing how these languages work in the relationship, both men and women do things that tear down the partner instead of loving and building them up into the godly person that our Lord intended.
The cure is often taking that man aside and teaching him what it means to be a priest and shepherd as he heads the household. As he denigrates his women, he denigrates himself, for the "two have become one flesh..." He also sins against God, who made it plain how it is that we ought to act in our relationship to the women in our lives. Rather, he should look at his wife (or the women in his life) as gifts from God, for that they are!
God specifically commands we men to love our wives as Christ loved the church. That means shepherding her, loving her, caring for her, learning her, and building her up. The same Word commands women to respect their husbands, and that means being that awesome helpmate -- not because he needs a slave to do his dirty work -- because in building up a loving husband, he will also raise up alongside himself his bride and queen! The more she lifts him up into the godly, priestly, leader, the more he can take care of her most pressing needs for love, protection, and strength.
Not to use my own marriage as THE example, but I know it best, my wife and I have been married for 33 years. We started dating almost 5 years before that (she was just 14, I was 16!). We have grown into our relationship and over the years I've went through a lot of phases, especially before age 27 when I was born again. Early on, I lorded it over her, called her horrible names (as a joke... yeah, right :BangHead
, and thought I was doing the right stuff by being "manly." God so broke us down that there was hardly any man left by the time He got done with us. Then He saved me... Then He started teaching me the true meaning of love in the marriage relationship.
OH! How Good HE Is! My wife and I now partner in love and respect in our marriage. I build her up as high as I can! I have learned to "know" my bride (a thing that most men never learn). I can shop for her and bring home complete outfits, jewelry, even undergarments that fit perfectly and make her look amazing. I've learned how to bless her. And she has learned how to build me up into the godly leader she wants and needs. I'm her "big strong man" and I take care of our family, our ministry, and our future (as far as God will let me!). Oh, how good it is to love a woman like that!
Over our years, especially since I was saved, I have only raised my voice once to my wife, and I still regret doing that. It was not worth it. Even though she was going through a rough time and some of the frustrations were coming out of both of us in wrong ways, it was not worth seeing the look of pain in my baby's eyes and I resolved that I will never fail to love her again. I tell her I love her. I show her I love her. I do romantic things in public that say to everyone around that I love her! I officiate weddings and have written into the vows I prefer these words that echo my own heart of love for my bride, "I say to the world, this is my WIFE!" Together, we allow others to see our love as an example for how marriage can work.
Some men don't like what I do... I've yet to find the woman who doesn't like it though. The men? They're probably the problem... I'm accused of being "whipped" and other things men say about other men. All I can say is that I'm the alpha male -- bring it... But I don't have to demonstrate my strength in ways that are un-loving to the woman that God gifted me with. That does not and can not make me more the man.
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