Standards for dating?

I was 23 and my wife was 25 when we started dating or courting which ever you prefer. We were in Bible College. Most of our dates consisted of me coming over to her parents house. We went out of course. We didn't have a chaperone. Yet even though she was 25 she still lived at home. Therefore, her dad said we had to be in by 11:00pm. That was earlier than when I was a teen. It was Midnight. I'm very grateful for that rule.
My dad always said. "nothing good happens after 12:00 at night". How true. We dated a year then we were engaged for a year. Her dad didn't let her go home to my house until we were engaged.
My wife was a virgin when we got married. I must say SHE SET THE TONE for our dating relationship.
I don't care how wonderful a guy is, how christian he is you get him alone with a woman and hormones take over. The girl, woman has to be firm. Set your standards, guidlines whatever you want to call them. If he loves you he will abide. If he doesn't want to kick him to the curb.
I have 3 daughters,11,9 & 3 I promise you the bar will be set very high for my lovely,Ledford,ladies.

My daughter says every Christian single should read this book about letting God pick your mate.

"When God Writes Your Love Story," Eric and Leslie Ludy.

My favorite line is when Leslie says she was upset and asked God why he gave her need to feel she should be with someone if he wouldn't give her someone, and she hears the whisper of God in her heart saying, "I am the author of romance," telling her to stop trying to find a mate her way, and to give it over to God.

As much as I know of it. Eric and Leslie were both Christians. Both had had their hearts broken many times when they dated people, thinking "this is it," and it wasn't.

Both, without having met, made up their minds that they were going to focus on becoming the best Christian they could be, instead of on "looking for mates."

They stopped "traditional dating". No kissing sessions at the door, no "competing with others for the attentions of someone else," no "letting others determine your self-value." Just focus on God and let him handle it.

They said it gave them peace with God and with themselves, and helped lead them to each other.

Hey I've read that book. It's a nice story but I tend to look at the human aspect of finding a mate. After all, 1 Corinthians tells us to marry whomever we wish...only in the Lord.

I don't anymore. If I dated, I would try to make sure that he was a Christian and God loving man. When I was a lot younger I dated two guys who were not Christians.

Originally posted by shannonL:
I was 23 and my wife was 25 when we started dating or courting which ever you prefer. We were in Bible College. Most of our dates consisted of me coming over to her parents house. We went out of course. We didn't have a chaperone. Yet even though she was 25 she still lived at home. Therefore, her dad said we had to be in by 11:00pm. That was earlier than when I was a teen. It was Midnight. I'm very grateful for that rule.
My dad always said. "nothing good happens after 12:00 at night". How true. We dated a year then we were engaged for a year. Her dad didn't let her go home to my house until we were engaged.
My wife was a virgin when we got married. I must say SHE SET THE TONE for our dating relationship.
I don't care how wonderful a guy is, how christian he is you get him alone with a woman and hormones take over. The girl, woman has to be firm. Set your standards, guidlines whatever you want to call them. If he loves you he will abide. If he doesn't want to kick him to the curb.
I have 3 daughters,11,9 & 3 I promise you the bar will be set very high for my lovely,Ledford,ladies.

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I just realized there was a page 2 to this topic. You are totally right about this! The woman has to set the standards. I noticed even the most spiritual guys will be struggling with the flesh when they are alone with you. Nothing has happened no, but he has expressed to me how he wants to hold me and stuff, and I realize I can't even let him shake my hand when we say goodbye.

Just to let you guys all know, women have the same struggles as the guys do. Maybe not as intense, but we do. I think I'm struggling as much as he is but I won't give in for anything. He is very respectful, and says he wouldn't dream of doing anything to make me uncomfortable. He says he doesn't want to ruin what we have for anything in the world.

That's good that you are going to set those standards for your daughters. My parent's don't care about what I do, so thank God, my pastor's care and so I hear preaching about purity alot. I don't think any guy has the right to hinder the purity of a woman. It's not his for the taking until he puts the ring on her finger.

Chickenlady,

Never, Never settle for less than God's best for you. Your man better pick you up in his car.Spend his money on you.etc....
I grew up in a good christian home but I think my parents dropped the ball with my two sisters.
Both never set any standards for fellows they dated other than he had money and good looks. One is 34 and has been divorced once. She has been living with her boyfriend for 7yrs. Now.

The other is 29 she has been divorced once. She has her own apartment but basically lives at her boyfriend's place. They both claim to be saved. I sure wonder sometimes. It breaks my heart to see them live like they live. All I see is heartache ahead for them. I pray for them daily. I try to encourage them to do the right thing. Yet it has always been difficult.

I just thought I'd share that with you to encourage you to keep on holding your standards high. It is important to build your marriage on a firm foundation. One of the most firm will be the one that was built on a courtship that was pure. If you do that, when the hard times come in marriage you can look back and say "Well you know hon we did it God's way from the start." He put us together and nothing can tear us apart."

In Christ

Shannon,

You remind me of my father.
He died when I was just 15, but he used to tell me, "A man will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. If you let him treat you like a doormat, you'll become a doormat in his eyes. If you make him treat you like a precious treasure, you will be precious in his eyes. Don't make yourself a doormat."

Thank you so much for that encouragement. I really needed that. As for my standards, I'm never budging and I thank God for that!

Originally posted by chickenlady:
I just realized there was a page 2 to this topic. You are totally right about this! The woman has to set the standards. I noticed even the most spiritual guys will be struggling with the flesh when they are alone with you. Nothing has happened no, but he has expressed to me how he wants to hold me and stuff, and I realize I can't even let him shake my hand when we say goodbye.

Just to let you guys all know, women have the same struggles as the guys do. Maybe not as intense, but we do. I think I'm struggling as much as he is but I won't give in for anything. He is very respectful, and says he wouldn't dream of doing anything to make me uncomfortable. He says he doesn't want to ruin what we have for anything in the world.

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Women do have the same struggles and I wouldn't say they were NOT as intense. Anyone can fall into temptation no matter how they try not to. Just don't get the mind set that will never happen. Never say never.
I don't think just the woman has to set the standard, both the man and woman does and should, and stick with it.

God Bless you and your boyfriend as you live in a way that pleases the Lord.

This is an interesting question. I personally think that you cannot be prepared for marriage if you have never spent any time alone with the other person. While you can come up with many Biblical instances where people didn't even know each other before marriage, I don't think that applies to us today. Our society has changed to such a degree as to make it impossible to expect a superficial relationship to work in a marriage. Divorce is seen as an easy answer, and people tend to use it... even those that know they shouldn't.

You're clearly seeking the right answer. But, it has to come from within you. If you know that you can refrain from any conduct that you should refrain from, then date in the traditional way. But, if you aren't sure, even if it is just a passing feeling, then perhaps you should look into a different method.

My daughter says every Christian single should read this book about letting God pick your mate.

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There is no logical reason to think God picks our mates.

Originally posted by Alcott:
There is no logical reason to think God picks our mates.

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There is scriptural evidence that if we pray and prepare our hearts to be willing and open to the leading of the Holy Spirit that God will lead us to the life, career, mate He has prepared for us!

I will not, cannot think that my choice of mate was made in a 'worldly' manner after the years of praying for God to send me THE man He had created to be my soulmate and I his helpmeet.

How can you explain people who have chosen the wrong mates 5, 6, 7 times versus the Christians who have chosen correctly the first time?


John 16:13 However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 14 He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you. 15 All things that the Father has are Mine. Therefore I said that He will take of Mine and declare it to you.

YES..... especially we should pray for God to prepare and send the chosen spiritual leader of our home! I pray for my unmarried children and their future mates!

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Originally posted by JamesBell:
This is an interesting question. I personally think that you cannot be prepared for marriage if you have never spent any time alone with the other person.

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So, this is your opinion or feeling or dyspeptic problem. Why? Make the connection!

While you can come up with many Biblical instances where people didn't even know each other before marriage, I don't think that applies to us today. Our society has changed to such a degree as to make it impossible to expect a superficial relationship to work in a marriage.

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Then, you are raising a question of the relevancy of the Bible. It’s true but just not relevant to today’s society.

Divorce is seen as an easy answer, and people tend to use it... even those that know they shouldn't.

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Yeah, people tend to follow own opinions, wants, desires, lusts or whatever—even when it violates Scriptural mandate.

You're clearly seeking the right answer. But, it has to come from within you.

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Sounds rather like Rogerian claptrap to me. In the final sifting, it all comes down to I must be me and do what I want to do. Paul said no good thing was found in our flesh.

If you know that you can refrain from any conduct that you should refrain from, then date in the traditional way.

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Since all flesh is innately depraved, sinful, deceitful and wicked, none of us can say with absolute confidence that we will not do a specific thing under provocation. Christ taught us to pray that we be not led into temptation. For the believer, it is sheer asininity to put one’s self in way of temptation thinking that we can resist. It makes as much sense as drinking poison or handling poisonous snakes believing that God will deliver us from our own willfulness.

But, if you aren't sure, even if it is just a passing feeling, then perhaps you should look into a different method.

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Yeah, this is bad advice. Perhaps, you should smoke dope or drop acid or try sex. How do you know if you haven’t tried it? Well, lots of poor folks have had bad trips following this philosophy. The best advice is to search the Scriptures for guidance, seek godly counsel, pray and seek the leading of the Holy Spirit. Believing the Scriptures to be sufficient in “all things pertaining to life and godliness,” I recommend their guidance over the plurality of opinions.

Prov. 11:14, "Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory."

When a person marries they marry a family. Most of the time when the parents object they have very good reasons for their objection. Even though my parents and her parents were not Christians I got them involved before I asked my then girl friend and now wife to marry me. Each parent had things to say that I needed to hear and remember to this day that have helped.

Hi, I have another question. Thank you all so far for your support and suggestions!

My boyfriend and I have been dating, 'courting' whatever you call it for two months now, and it's been declared 'hands off'. I got the call to go to bible college far far away from where I live and I will be leaving behind my friends and family, along with my boyfriend. He wants to know if it's ok to hug me goodbye when I leave. I've heard all of your views on the standards but is it ok to say goodbye with a hug? I probably won't see him til Christmas time and am planning on leaving in early Sept. Just thinking aloud.

Chickenlady, I don't see anything wrong with you hugging him goodbye.

My goodness...yes, hug the man. I have raised three children to adulthood. Two are married. One is seriously dating a fine Christian man. I never imposed any restrictions on there dating in terms of "no hand-holding, no kissing, no one-couple dating, etc."

However, I did instill in them the importance of remaining sexually pure until marriage. I also insisted that they date Christians who were actively involved in church.

I used this on my daughter and a boy she was dating at time (I heard some other preacher use it in illustrating a point in his sermon. Don't remember who it was or I would give him credit.):

I told her and him that I expected them to take a Bible with them when they dated and place it between them in the car. They asked "Why?" I looked at the boy and told him that in the event he decided to do something foolish with my daughter, he would not only have to get past four men...Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I don't think they ever took a Bible on a date though. Come to think of it...neither did I.

My, how I butchered the above post. Pardon my grammatical errors. Should have previewed it. Maybe you can decipher it in spite of the errors. Guess I had a bad case of dancing fingers. Oops...I forgot, make that "happy fingers."

Originally posted by dh1948:
My, how I butchered the above post. Pardon my grammatical errors. Should have previewed it. Maybe you can decipher it in spite of the errors. Guess I had a bad case of dancing fingers. Oops...I forgot, make that "happy fingers."

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Nothin wrong with dancin' either.

You would hug your brother, wouldn't you?

Why should he be any different?