Rock Bottom

Some of what I am going to write may not sit well with some of you, but please understand that I'm not here to cause offense.

I’m going through the roughest time of my life. My wife and I are divorcing. I’m planning on moving out of my state when the whole legal process is over, and I’m basically going to be starting over.

I had been absent from my local church for a while because I couldn’t mentally or emotionally commit to attending on a regular basis while everything was going on. This Sunday, I decided to go alone without her, and it was an emotionally draining experience. The only thing I felt during the service was a sense of judgement because I failed to hold my marriage together and the vow I made before God is now broken. I felt devastated looking at the empty seat next to me. Unfortunately, I don't plan on going back. On top of that, I don't pray much anymore, and I am unable to focus when I try to read the Bible.

Recently, I started giving serious thought to whether or not I wanted to continue being a believer. The answer I came to is yes—I will continue to believe; however, it will most likely be what James calls a “dead faith" since I no longer have the strength to serve or have fellowship with others.

I don't know what all of this means for my eternal destiny, but I guess I'll find out one day.

Reggulus,
I went thru a tough time in my life as well.
maybe not as bad as Job!
Have you talked to your pastor?
if that would not work feel free to PM Dr. Bob or myself.

Regulus said:

Some of what I am going to write may not sit well with some of you, but please understand that I'm not here to cause offense.

I’m going through the roughest time of my life. My wife and I are divorcing. I’m planning on moving out of my state when the whole legal process is over, and I’m basically going to be starting over.

I had been absent from my local church for a while because I couldn’t mentally or emotionally commit to attending on a regular basis while everything was going on. This Sunday, I decided to go alone without her, and it was an emotionally draining experience. The only thing I felt during the service was a sense of judgement because I failed to hold my marriage together and the vow I made before God is now broken. I felt devastated looking at the empty seat next to me. Unfortunately, I don't plan on going back. On top of that, I don't pray much anymore, and I am unable to focus when I try to read the Bible.

Recently, I started giving serious thought to whether or not I wanted to continue being a believer. The answer I came to is yes—I will continue to believe; however, it will most likely be what James calls a “dead faith" since I no longer have the strength to serve or have fellowship with others.

I don't know what all of this means for my eternal destiny, but I guess I'll find out one day.

Click to expand...

Regulus, I went through what you are going through. It was indeed the roughest time of my life. It was horrible. I didn't want it to happen.
Here I am, actually several decades later. I prayed and asked God to please send me a Christian wife, who loved the Lord Jesus, and if she did, then she would love me, too. He did! We've been married all these years and such a blessing! The best favor the first woman I married (will not call her a "wife") was divorcing me. I didn't realize it at the time. Yet if she had not, I would never have had my genuine wife, whom loves me and whom I love. God hates divorce. So do I. Yet I admit there are situations where it is the only option. My life was in two parts--darkness and light, and the light has been these wonderful years I have been married to my real wife. Stay with the Lord Jesus. And remember this--it's better to happy being single than being miserable married. If God sends you a wife, excellent--if He doesn't, stay single.

Spiritual Valleys don't last very long unless you let them. I can tell you that you need to be running to Jesus and not away from Him. The most miserable man on the planet is a Christian that's running away from the Lord. I bear the scars of making that mistake. Biggest mistake of my life. I had gotten to the point that I despised myself, constantly feeling under pressure. Miserable constantly. Taking anxiety medicine for years not realizing the pressure was coming from the Lord. Yet, when I finally couldn't take it anymore, utterly broken, I asked the Lord to forgive me and He did. I could literally feel the weight lifted off of me during my prayer of repentance. The Lord restored my joy of salvation. That was 9 years ago.

Regulus said:

Some of what I am going to write may not sit well with some of you, but please understand that I'm not here to cause offense.

I’m going through the roughest time of my life. My wife and I are divorcing. I’m planning on moving out of my state when the whole legal process is over, and I’m basically going to be starting over.

I had been absent from my local church for a while because I couldn’t mentally or emotionally commit to attending on a regular basis while everything was going on. This Sunday, I decided to go alone without her, and it was an emotionally draining experience. The only thing I felt during the service was a sense of judgement because I failed to hold my marriage together and the vow I made before God is now broken. I felt devastated looking at the empty seat next to me. Unfortunately, I don't plan on going back. On top of that, I don't pray much anymore, and I am unable to focus when I try to read the Bible.

Recently, I started giving serious thought to whether or not I wanted to continue being a believer. The answer I came to is yes—I will continue to believe; however, it will most likely be what James calls a “dead faith" since I no longer have the strength to serve or have fellowship with others.

I don't know what all of this means for my eternal destiny, but I guess I'll find out one day.

Click to expand...

Our life on earth is really a challenge for all of us. We went through all this, but we could not escape this. I haven't gone through what you have, but our feeling is the same. Sometimes things happen as we don't expect, and it continues that sometimes we cannot hold on.

My married life is good, and I am involved in a small ministry and have 4 kids whom I am helping. Life was good, but a sudden strike hit us very badly since early this year. Out of the blue, our former rental area became a risk for us, as our country is under military coup; they arrest young people, take porters, torture, kill, and put them in jail. They order a conscription law that those 18-35 should serve in the military mandatorily. They arrest people nearby, and we find another location, but we find no place that we borrowed the money and purchased a piece of land to build a bamboo home and settle there. We completely moved there at the end of February. We face another challenge: most people are drunkards, and they disturb us badly. When we have home church service on Sunday, they report to the military, and the next day at midnight, military armies surround our home and check everyone at home, asking what we do or why we moved here. God protected us, and we are fine.

We are just about to be happy and my baby was born on May 4, but in 24 hours she was diagnosed with a seizure. We were taken to the children's hospital for a month; during that time, they found no drug that could stop her. She was in the NICU for the whole time; I didn't even have a chance to see her. I can only take her blood to bring the lab test outside. I cried every day and askedGod why. We were discharged after a month; she happened after 21 days, and we were admitted to the hospital. Then after 42 days, we were admitted again at the hospital recently.

The seizure leads to epilepsy that cannot be cured. She can become abnormal; her left brain has a wave of seizures. Some kids at the hospital we have seen are in very bad condition. The doctor told us that my baby could not hear. Yes, we have checked her hearing, and she didn't hear anything. She could be disabled, but we still pray on it. Her mental could have issues, and many others...
As a father, as a missionary pastor, as a caring dad for my four orphan kids, and as a lead person for the ministry, I asked GOD why this has happened. I sometimes don't want to pray, and I just want to sit. But I cannot forsake him in my heart.

The medical bills are higher, and I cannot feed my children. I paused all the ministry works; it means I have stopped them, and I keep on borrowing the money to feed my kids and for the family. It seems I have lost my way; I don't know what to do. I cannot sleep and am mentally and physically exhausted. I don't know why this has happened out of the blue; we are supposed to be happily working for the Lord. But it doesn't happen as planned.

I know I have to trust Him more; God wants me to, and God might do something to me. I am still praying so hard now, crying every day. I confess the sins, the mistakes, and whatever I might do that goes against him. I believe one day, it will be a testimony for us.

I encourage you to trust Him more than ever and find what might really take you apart and take a solution, if you can still hold on. Sometimes we lose our way on earth; the devil is trying to put us down, but it doesn't mean that we lost our eternity.
We might both be going through a very tough time, but let's encourage each other that God still has a solution.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I have a lot to think about.