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Arranged Marriages
- Thread starter csmith
- Start date
Pastor_Bob
Well-Known Member
I have his entire series on this subject here in our church library. His teaching is very biblical and has been proven to be very successful for those willing to follow the principles set forth in God's Word.
I am preaching for him on April 12th during a week long 30th anniversary (as pastor) celebration.
I am preaching for him on April 12th during a week long 30th anniversary (as pastor) celebration.
It "worked"?
Tell that to Tamar, Leah, Rachel, Michal, Merab, and a host of other women.
I would be interesting (even though we can't really do it) to get these ladies' opinions on this thread on how their parents' and in-laws' manipulation of their lives wrought misery to them and their children.
I think you mean it "happened" in the Bible, not that it "worked".
Parents today should pray for their children's marriages long before their child is of marrying age. They should also pray for their children's future spouses, even though they do not know who they are.
Some people believe that God has a special person in mind for each of us. I don't know if that it true or not, but let's just say for the sake of argument that it is.
Well, guess what. The devil has about 5 or 6 "special" people intended as a potential spouse for your child.
Maybe one to take your married child out of the church. Or maybe one to introduce controlled substances to your married child. Perhaps one to beat your child while they are married.
You see, early prayer and monitoring of whom they date is critical.
But it is impossible to force a child to marry someone against their will and expect them to live the happy, Godly model of marriage.
Marriage between a husband and a wife is a picture, a symbolic representation of Jesus Christ and the Church. Paul said that. He said that it's so pictorial that it's a mystery. It's in the bible.
And Jesus Christ is never forced on anyone.
The relationship between Jesus Christ and the church is a love relationship.
You cannot arrange that nor force that. Not salvation. Not love between a man and a woman.
You can pray. Monitor activity. Teach wise decision-making. Model wise decision-making. Make boundaries. And pray some more.
But you can't decide whom your child will love. You just can't.
Peace-
YSIC
Scarlett O.
<>< </font>[/QUOTE]God never said marry the one you love. He said love the one to whom you are married. Huge difference. It's also not about forcing your child to love someone. It's about having such a godly, close, biblical relationship with them that they and you have the same heart, so it would not be forcing them to marry someone against their will. True, for the average Christian parents today to try to "arrange a marraige" would be disaster because most children have not been taught to Biblically honor their parents and the family relationships just aren't there. But, as some have said, look at the travesty that marriage has become in our society after several generations of young people being allowed to marry the one they "love."
MargoWriter
New Member
Interesting stuff, people.
After one rough relationship in which my parents really weren't involved very much, I told my dad a few years ago I'd be very pleased for him to choose a husband for me.
We've talked about it a little. But we both know God will provide the right person in His timing, regardless of whether I meet him first or my dad does. My dad kind of keeps his eyes open for me, and I appreciate that.
I'd like my dad to be very involved in my future husband's life--I want them to be comfortable together, and good friends. I consider my dad wise enough that I'd be concerned if the man I was going to marry did not get along with him.
I love my Daddy!
After one rough relationship in which my parents really weren't involved very much, I told my dad a few years ago I'd be very pleased for him to choose a husband for me.
We've talked about it a little. But we both know God will provide the right person in His timing, regardless of whether I meet him first or my dad does. My dad kind of keeps his eyes open for me, and I appreciate that.
I'd like my dad to be very involved in my future husband's life--I want them to be comfortable together, and good friends. I consider my dad wise enough that I'd be concerned if the man I was going to marry did not get along with him.
I love my Daddy!
Good testimony MargoWriter,
I think that is equally wise on your part. I would trust my parents to do the same, although, I love my wife and don't plan on marrying another. I will tell you this: I DID NOT LOVE MY WIFE WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED!!!
Isn't that terrible?
I don't think that most people truly love each other when they get married. That is obviosly my opinion.
I think that is equally wise on your part. I would trust my parents to do the same, although, I love my wife and don't plan on marrying another. I will tell you this: I DID NOT LOVE MY WIFE WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED!!!
Isn't that terrible?
I don't think that most people truly love each other when they get married. That is obviosly my opinion.
MargoWriter
New Member
I don't think it's terrible--it happens.
Well, I think in a sense you're certainly right. But I also think part of love is a definate choice.
But a Christ-centered marraige involves a love that grows as the years go by. I heard one person say he loves his spouse more as each day goes by.
Well, I think in a sense you're certainly right. But I also think part of love is a definate choice.
But a Christ-centered marraige involves a love that grows as the years go by. I heard one person say he loves his spouse more as each day goes by.
Sometime read the book by Walter Trobisch, "Love Is A Feeling To Be Learned."
Typically the divorce is almost zero in countries where they do this even among Christian families. Can you even imagine arranging a marriage for your son or daughter if you think it would be a terrible marriage and you can't stand the parents? Not hardly.
MargoWriter
New Member
Agreeed, GB. Wisely spoken.
Although I'm not sure about the title of that book. Love's an action. Of course feelings are involved as well.
(Don't think I don't know that. I'm a rather "emotional critter.")
Although I'm not sure about the title of that book. Love's an action.
Of course feelings are involved as well.(Don't think I don't know that. I'm a rather "emotional critter.")
PastorSBC1303
Active Member
Agreed
Your post made my day, MargoWriter! As a dad with a married daughter, I can really apreciate your sentiments -- all of them!!
I have a daughter who is just about ready (if she was in West Virginia, she probably already would be)...anyone out there looking for a wife?
D
dianetavegia
Guest
Well my mother and father didn't want me to marry Jim because he wasn't what they'd envisioned (think money). We've been married 35 years. My parents hated each other for 23 years before divorcing. My father has been married 32 years to his present wife and my mother tormented her second husband for 31 years before he died.
Why should I have ever let THEM choose my help meet. I let God do the choosing.
God chose well.
Why should I have ever let THEM choose my help meet. I let God do the choosing.
Before I asked my wife to be then and now my wife I asked her dad, my parents and my grandparents. I asked the tough questions too. Each of them who I asked saw things that we needed to know about. But in the end each family memeber has been fantastic to us. It has been an experience of more than we could have ever dreamed about. We were the first Christians in both of our families but most of them are now. One thing I prayed for is a wife who would not just tell me what I needed but who would be an example to me and an example of Christ to others who did not know Him. By asking those I did it has prevented any criticism later. We have gotten zero criticism from anyone.
mhoward1999
Member
I have thought a lot about this topic- it's interesting that you brought it up. If I ever get a second chance, I would definitely do things a lot differently. Even though I don't approve of a lot of the things my parents, do or believe, I think there are some fundamental things a parent would consider when arranging a marriage that a teenager/young adult in love would not. Some things I thought were insignificant but have learned are huge are: educational level, socio-economic status, level of spiritual maturity, denominational background, age, level of activity (i.e. physical fitness), and work ethic (within the family history).
I think our marital problems can all be tied to these issues, and that if we were more equal in these areas, we wouldn't have as many problems. There are inherant problems when you blend some of the differences listed above.
I thought that as long as he was a Christain, had a stable work history, and I loved him, it was all good. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! Do I think my parents would have seen these problems coming if I'd asked? You betcha! They didn't volunteer this information because they knew I would resent it. Our culture is so much about being independent and making our own choices. Well, sometimes you can be so close to the forest that you can't see the trees, and it's sad that it takes being married for five years to see all this. Then what do you do? Take what you have and do the best you can (with God's help, of course) with it. Maybe some day we will be a wonderful old Christian couple that are icons in the church, and laugh and tell young couples how we were a couple of very jagged boulders in the rock tumbler of life. Maybe not. There is no way to know what the future holds- but I know that I will definitely be seeking the counsel of my parents and other trusted "older" more mature Christians if there is a second time around.
I think our marital problems can all be tied to these issues, and that if we were more equal in these areas, we wouldn't have as many problems. There are inherant problems when you blend some of the differences listed above.
I thought that as long as he was a Christain, had a stable work history, and I loved him, it was all good. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! Do I think my parents would have seen these problems coming if I'd asked? You betcha! They didn't volunteer this information because they knew I would resent it. Our culture is so much about being independent and making our own choices. Well, sometimes you can be so close to the forest that you can't see the trees, and it's sad that it takes being married for five years to see all this. Then what do you do? Take what you have and do the best you can (with God's help, of course) with it. Maybe some day we will be a wonderful old Christian couple that are icons in the church, and laugh and tell young couples how we were a couple of very jagged boulders in the rock tumbler of life. Maybe not. There is no way to know what the future holds- but I know that I will definitely be seeking the counsel of my parents and other trusted "older" more mature Christians if there is a second time around.
Pastor_Bob
Well-Known Member
I have had the pleasure of dealing with many young people who have either lost or backslidden parents. Most of these have every right, humanly speaking not to trust their parents judgment on this matter. Perhaps they've been divorced or their marriage is not exactly a "heaven on earth."
I always remind these young people that God did not make a mistake when he allowed them to be born into that family. God does give parents a certain measure of insight when it comes to their children. Many times God speaks to us through our parents.
I always suggest that each young person, at the very least, get Dad and Mom's input when making such an important decision. I even recommend that they go one step further; give Dad and Mom "veto" power over any potential prospects.
The old saying "love is blind" certainly is true and often parents can see something that is hidden from the child, or that the child refuses to see. This can be a tremendous blessing and save the child from years of heartache if they will prayerfully consider their parents advise, even if the parents are lost.
Diane, I know what you meant above when you referred to your husband as "help meet," but it is good for the young people to know that for a young lady, God has a young man out there somewhere to be her spiritual leader, provider, and head of her home someday. For the young men, God has a young lady to be his helpmeet and completer. What a joy it is when we have found the will of God and then serve Him in our God-given roles in the home.
I'm just sad that 22 years ago I married the last perfect lady on earth. Too bad fellas; you'll have to settle for second best.
D
dianetavegia
Guest
Thanks for correcting that Pastor Bob. I was thinking faster than typing evidently and should have called myself the helpmeet and Jim my spiritual head.
My mother married 2 weeks before her 15th birthday and my father was 21. With my mother, everything revolves around money, still.
My mother married 2 weeks before her 15th birthday and my father was 21. With my mother, everything revolves around money, still.
Singing Cop
<img src=/5667.jpg>
First of all it is debatable as to wether forcing someone to mary someone else is a product of "love and concern"
Second of all faking my death was a joke. Hence the
Scarlett O.
Obviously you haven't heard the message by Dr. Ravi Zacharias titled "I, Isaac, Take You Rebekah".
Dr. Zacharias feels that if a Godly parent is not in favor with the choice of their children's marriage partner,(Now I mean GODLY parent,not selfish,etc.) that the child should be doubly sure this is the person for them. No one wants their child to be happy anymore than a parent. When a child is in the relationship it is very hard for them to see beyond it. The parent is on the outside and they can see much more than the child can.
My son had a girlfriend for four years, they started going together when they were just 15, way too young to even know what they were looking for. The only criteria at that age was what they looked like. She had some unresloved problems from her past, that her parent's were at fault for. My son could not see any problems that may cause for his future. She was nuts about him, did anything for him. She was like a puppet. He thought that was great, she was a good girlfriend, didn't flirt, stayed home when he went out with friends. She was totally dependent on him for everything emotionally, and that flattered him. I told him that could cause problems in the future if he planned on marrying her. He would be sucked dry trying to be everything to someone. She didn't care if she had friends or anything. Now do you think that he saw all of that? No, I was the one that had to talk with him about it.
If children would wait until at least, I mean at least until their mid-twenties to marry there would be less divorce. The longer a couple waits to marry, the less the chance for divorce.
I have two boys, their dad and I have told them marrying is something to take extremely cautiously. The wrong person, and your life is ruined.
I would love to be involved with the choice of who my boys marry, would I force them to marry someone?, of course not.
Obviously you haven't heard the message by Dr. Ravi Zacharias titled "I, Isaac, Take You Rebekah".
Dr. Zacharias feels that if a Godly parent is not in favor with the choice of their children's marriage partner,(Now I mean GODLY parent,not selfish,etc.) that the child should be doubly sure this is the person for them. No one wants their child to be happy anymore than a parent. When a child is in the relationship it is very hard for them to see beyond it. The parent is on the outside and they can see much more than the child can.
My son had a girlfriend for four years, they started going together when they were just 15, way too young to even know what they were looking for. The only criteria at that age was what they looked like. She had some unresloved problems from her past, that her parent's were at fault for. My son could not see any problems that may cause for his future. She was nuts about him, did anything for him. She was like a puppet. He thought that was great, she was a good girlfriend, didn't flirt, stayed home when he went out with friends. She was totally dependent on him for everything emotionally, and that flattered him. I told him that could cause problems in the future if he planned on marrying her. He would be sucked dry trying to be everything to someone. She didn't care if she had friends or anything. Now do you think that he saw all of that? No, I was the one that had to talk with him about it.
If children would wait until at least, I mean at least until their mid-twenties to marry there would be less divorce. The longer a couple waits to marry, the less the chance for divorce.
I have two boys, their dad and I have told them marrying is something to take extremely cautiously. The wrong person, and your life is ruined.
I would love to be involved with the choice of who my boys marry, would I force them to marry someone?, of course not.
Xingyi Warrior
New Member
Historical studies on the subject of "arranged marriages" have documented mostly about a 50% success rate. Mostly the same as our modern divorce rate. In our society in years past we did have a subtle form of arranged marriage. It was called the institution of matchmaking. How it worked was, one or more mature people saw potential comaptibilty between 2 young individulas entering adulthood. They then facilitated the introduction process and lingered in the shadows only to offer their help and guidence should the relationship experience difficultes. And studies have also shown that marriages that were facilitated by this process had, suprisingly an almost 80% success rate. Based on a longevity index of marriages that surpassed the 20 year mark. In our modern society matchmakers are nonexistent. People seem to consider it a taboo to act as such and instead prefer not to get involved. Sociologists studying the phenomena of accelerated divorce have drawn marked relationships between the breakdown of community spirit, the institutions of matchmaking that existed in the earlier and middle 20th century, and the skyrocketing divorce rates that we are currently experienceng.
Singing Cop,
I haven't seen one post that even alludes to "forcing someone to marry".
Also, if it isn't love and concern that drives a parent to be more involved in their children's spousal choice then what is it?
This is a Christian forum--give us the benefit of the doubt.
My only motive for assisting my children in this area would be a pure one.
Singing Cop,
What role do you plan to play in your children's marriage decisions?
I haven't seen one post that even alludes to "forcing someone to marry".
Also, if it isn't love and concern that drives a parent to be more involved in their children's spousal choice then what is it?
This is a Christian forum--give us the benefit of the doubt.
My only motive for assisting my children in this area would be a pure one.
Singing Cop,
What role do you plan to play in your children's marriage decisions?