Bad Advice Only

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

My chainsaw has been sharpened, recently...you can borrow it..it's just the right width to get into a hard-to- reach place.

Ooo, I'll be right over! :laugh:

My roof leaked this winter, any suggestions?

Nail large kitchen trash bags up in the attic, open so as to catch the water, underneath each leak. "Fire and forget." What could go wrong?

My neighbor's dog goes out at 6 AM every day and insists on barking "good morning" to everyone in the neighborhood. Any suggestions?

 

[SaggyWoman]

Teach him to shake hands and then pray with everyone he barks at.

How do I shorten the drive thru line at McDonalds?

 

[prophet]

Teach him to shake hands and then pray with everyone he barks at.

How do I shorten the drive thru line at McDonalds?

Drive through the building.

Should I pay my Traffic Ticket?

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Should I pay my Traffic Ticket?

No. Write a lengthy diatribe to court about the rights of the people and its lack of jurisdiction in the matter, and tell the judge if he/she contacts you about this, you will be prepared to fight.

I've got one of those woody, deep-rooted weeds that get spread when the birds drop or poop the seeds, that if left unattended grow up to be like a rain forest in a backyard. What to do?

 

[kyredneck]

Pour gasoline on it.

What's an easy quick way to drop 10 lbs in body weight?

 

[prophet]

Pour gasoline on it.

What's an easy quick way to drop 10 lbs in body weight?

Try some fancy imported agua fresca from Tijuana.

How do I get rid of mold in my crawl space?

 

[kyredneck]

Pour gasoline on it.

Dogs smell like skunk, what to do?

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Pour gasoline on it.

Dogs smell like skunk, what to do?

Pour gaso ... no, that's been used.

Paint a white stripe down his back and take a picture. Send it to the local paper and claim to have found the biggest skunk in history.

Seems like every time I go to Home Depot or the hardware store, I come out to find a new ding or dent in my truck. Any suggestions?

 

[kyredneck]

Enter it into the next demolition derby closest to you.

Audio quit working on my computer, what to do?

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Enter it into the next demolition derby closest to you.

Audio quit working on my computer, what to do?

Steal the next laptop you spy unattended.

We're thinking about buying motorcycles but the wife wants a "rice burner" 'cause she thinks they're "cute." Help!

 

[kyredneck]

If you're going to indulge the ol' midlife crisis go all the way and take up freestyle rock climbing, bungee jumping, or skydiving.

A hawk is ambushing my precious songbirds to & from the feeder, what to do?

 

[JamesL]

A hawk is ambushing my precious songbirds to & from the feeder, what to do?

Light a stick of dynamite, and try to time it just right to throw it at the hawk


How do I get my cat to stop laying in the doorway to the bathroom?

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

How do I get my cat to stop laying in the doorway to the bathroom?

Pour dog urine over the threshold.

My neighbors pine trees have grown big enough they shade our tomato plants in the morning. What to do?

 

[JamesL]

Trim the trees to look like umbrellas.

My truck is leaking oil on my driveway. What should I do?

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Trim the trees to look like umbrellas.

My truck is leaking oil on my driveway. What should I do?

Tear out the driveway. Install a giant drip pan where the driveway was. Route the leaking oil into a canister in the basement. Create a start-up recycled oil business in your front yard.

The city has grown far past us now, and freeway traffic is abysmal. What should we do?

 

[kyredneck]

My truck is leaking oil on my driveway. What should I do?

Enter the truck into the next demolition derby closest to you and clean up the oil by pouring gasoline on it.

I'm getting the hankering to buy another boat (pontoon), what do you think?

 

[kyredneck]

....
The city has grown far past us now, and freeway traffic is abysmal. What should we do?

Move to Alaska.

Still thinkin' about that boat.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

I'm getting the hankering to buy another boat (pontoon), what do you think?

Still thinkin' about that boat.

Think big. Cabin cruiser. Sleeps an army.

How surprised will the wife be when you come home with this?

I'm thinkin' pizza for lunch. Wha'dya think?

 

[kyredneck]

Wow, iluvit. Don't think it'd fit on the ramp down at the river though. I've always thought it would be cool to take a sailboat trip along the East and Gulf coasts. In good weather of course.

 

[JamesL]

I'm thinkin' pizza for lunch. Wha'dya think?

Just go to your favorite place and tell them you're there to pick up your free pizza.

How do I keep my grass from growing too fast?