Betrayal - A matter of the mind

[agedman]

In the recent thread on the Duggers, forgiveness for infidelity is/was discussed.

Betrayal of any sort is possibly the hardest to get over.

There is a part of the topic on forgiveness that perhaps may have been left untouched that the BB may desire to explore.

It seems there is a great difference in the ability to forgive and move forward to restitution depending on the gender of a person. In following that referenced thread, I noticed the difference in responses was somewhat gender oriented.

The male tends to "pigeon hole" events into blocks that can be stacked, discarded, and perhaps even forgotten. Therefore, the typical male will be able to actually forgive, and place the event into a scenario that the relationships and persons can be resolved.

the female tends to build interconnected links. The events of living are intertwined and there is no recycle, rubbish, or trash bins allowed; therefore, the typical female is often almost incapable of discarding, or even forgiving in the sense of the relationships and persons being resolved. They may say they have, may seem to have, but deep down they know they haven't, and the next incident will again cause the initial betrayal to rise to the surface.

Generally speaking, the more severe the betrayal the less likely the female will be inclined to have an unhindered relationship with the betrayer - ever in the future.

There is one other issue to mention.

There is a phenomena in which some are born with a highly sensitive fragility. The condition can lead (if not self controlled) to some most disastrous outcomes. Those folks just do not and most often cannot leave the sting of betrayal behind.



How to deal with betrayal and what to expect out of those partners who have experienced betrayal is not just a Scriptural matter, but on occasion may also need medical assistance.

What are your thoughts?

 

[JamesL]

I'm glad somebody else mentioned the gender issue first, because I didn't want to be the one.

But you're right, at least in a general sense. From what I've seen, a woman forgives with contingencies.

As long as you don't do the same thing again...
As long as she doesn't have dreams about your offense later...
As long as her makeup goes on ok...
As long as the kid at Taco Bell gets her order right...

Sorry if I sound cynical, but I've been run through the emotional ringer too many times by nut job "Christian" women. They seem no different from the world in many ways

 

[Aaron]

There is no male or female in Christ. The Spirit that works forgiveness in the heart of one is the same Spirit that works forgiveness in the heart of another.

Psalm 109 is a lament over the betrayal of Judas. A woman scorned would not demand a harsher punishment.

 

[agedman]

There is no male or female in Christ. The Spirit that works forgiveness in the heart of one is the same Spirit that works forgiveness in the heart of another.

Psalm 109 is a lament over the betrayal of Judas. A woman scorned would not demand a harsher punishment.

Perhaps you are equating spiritual equality to that of human attributes.

No doubt "there is no male or female in Christ." However, that doesn't mean that the believer is unisex.

Differences of the mind, heart, emotions... do exist.

 

[just-want-peace]

I remember an explanation that seems to fit this scenario somewhat.

A man thinks in "blocks", as noted earlier, and switches from one subject to another by putting one "block" back on the shelf before taking up another "block".

A woman thinks linearly like a long strand of thread. A woman can/does/will go from one subject to another with no transition, and other women understand; but it leaves the male bewildered because the new thoughts have zilch to do with the just changed subject.

IOW, men's minds work like a thought that has to be used & replaced in it's respective slot before a new thought can be utilized, whereas a woman's mind is more like a ball of twine that allows access to any other idea at any time simply by jumping to a different part of the twine.

A little simplified, but basically true as I have observed with discussions with my wife, and even more so listening to her converse with one of her friends - which may have several "topics" going on at one time, with nary an end to any of them.

Believe me, it makes for some very interesting dialogue between my wife and me at times!! :tongue3::tongue3::tongue3:

 

[agedman]

I remember an explanation that seems to fit this scenario somewhat.

A man thinks in "blocks", as noted earlier, and switches from one subject to another by putting one "block" back on the shelf before taking up another "block".

A woman thinks linearly like a long strand of thread. A woman can/does/will go from one subject to another with no transition, and other women understand; but it leaves the male bewildered because the new thoughts have zilch to do with the just changed subject.

IOW, men's minds work like a thought that has to be used & replaced in it's respective slot before a new thought can be utilized, whereas a woman's mind is more like a ball of twine that allows access to any other idea at any time simply by jumping to a different part of the twine.

A little simplified, but basically true as I have observed with discussions with my wife, and even more so listening to her converse with one of her friends - which may have several "topics" going on at one time, with nary an end to any of them.

Believe me, it makes for some very interesting dialogue between my wife and me at times!! :tongue3::tongue3::tongue3:

Very astute post! :thumbs:


In the primary relationship of husband and wife, the man continues the block thinking as you stated.

Therefore, the husband can miss an important date, and be rebuked, give a gift and think the problems is solved - on to the next. The wife is not of the same mind.

Rather, to her the relationship is a matter of a grand structure being built. Energy and effort, tremendous forethought, and planning at each stage. Each part and nuance building upon the one before and preparing for the one after. The years are not mere events, rather a culmination of each building section and process moving to the next.

Along come(s) betrayal(s), and it doesn't just impact the top floor, but the whole.

The missed gift, is just one crack that will manifest in her mind in a coalescence of other cracks, that causes great trepidation over the whole.

Therefore, any slight and minor argument to the male, may have far far greater characterizations and results in the heart and mind of the female - more so to the female that is or has been betrayed.

This applies to forgiveness in the issue of gender also.

1 - the male is far more likely to cut and run considering the event of betrayal "breaks the contract." It doesn't, but that is for another thread.

2 - the female is far more likely to want to lash out yet stay in the game despite the betrayal. They have invested time and effort and consider it very personal when the building crumbles into ruin. They would rather shore up the weaknesses, and even excuse the partner's blunders by self blaming.

 

[nodak]

Mostly methinks this smacks of sexist drivel.

But talking with my husband yesterday, he said he figured Josh would want to "put it all behind him and PRETEND it never happened."

But that it is more like cutting off your thumb. You may heal, go back to work, and think things are fine. But your function has been altered for a lifetime.

Anna may or may not forgive, may or may not take Josh back.

But the relationship will never be what it was before he amputated trust.

 

[Reformed]

To point out that men and women are different is to complicate the obvious. But Aaron is right when he wrote:

The Spirit that works forgiveness in the heart of one is the same Spirit that works forgiveness in the heart of another.

True, biblical forgiveness cannot be qualified by the difference between men and women. True forgiveness starts with the offending party confessing their sin, asking for forgiveness, and making restitution (if possible). The offended party is then to forgive. But even biblical forgiveness goes through a process. A spouse who has been cheated on may struggle with trusting the person who was unfaithful. But the process does not change the biblical model.

 

[kyredneck]

To point out that men and women are different is to complicate the obvious. But Aaron is right when he wrote:....

He's also right about it being a Messianic Psalm.