Do you consider this a sufficient answer to distraught parents? Have you used that in the past? Lastly, what if it were your child? Would that answer satisfy.....and how about you'r wife? Would see accept it?
Please don't answer quickly... sit with your wife and attempt putting yourselves in that spot. Add a 39 year lifespan to that child's life....39 years that you observe that life....interact with it, nourish it, change its diaper ....God forgive me, I shouldn't say it! Alas...but my point is , come with the empathy of a parent. Then brother, tell me if you can your answer.
Brother EWF, there is no way I can realistically walk in your shoes. I'd be a liar if I said I can feel your pain. I would also be a liar if I said I had an easy answer to comfort you.
I only know this:
Nothing happens without God's determinate eternal council.
That includes the health of babies.
I also know all things work together for good to them that love God, who were called according to his purpose [to save].
Furthermore, I know the saved are justified by His grace and by His blood. (Romans 3:24; Romans 5:9)
This would indicate that God's eternal purpose to save includes those who cannot profess Christ due to infancy, mental deficiency, etc.
In other words, they are incapable of understanding the fundamentals of the Gospel.
Yet they die in their sins.
Among these I believe the Lord has His Elect whom He justifies by His grace and by His blood.
My wife is a nurse who works with not only the sick, but with the dying.
God has given her a heart for those less fortunate.
I could never do the work God has called her to do.
No question but the Lord has given you a burden not shared by many.
That is reason enough to stay as close as possible to Him:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.
Stay strong in the Lord and the power of His might.