Dealing with a particular church problem

[Reynolds]

Question. We have two families in church that don't get along too great. They are the same race but. Come from opposite sides of the track as the saying goes. One family gets easily offended and gets boo boos on their feeling about everything. That family got mad at the other family about something that happened between two of their kids at school. By all neutral accounts and by the way the school handled it, it was the fault of the kid of the family who got offended. Since then, they have brought their bitter decisive emotions to church. The other family just tries to avoid them, but the offended family makes that impossible. The offended family is always passive/aggressively prodding the other family. It all came to a head after the Sun night service. The offended families kid, who has documented anger management issues, got mad at the other families youngest kid, who is much younger and smaller than him. He put the younger kid in a Coroadid Choke and tried to choke him out. Another older kid saved him. By all neutral accounts present, the older kid was completely at fault.

Church leadership will not address this assault and battery. They are scared they will offend the family and "cause them to leave without receiving the gospel ". In my opinion leadership is cowarding out. The other family is going to leave the church because no Biblical action was taken.
Any ideas?

 

[Scarlett O.]

I have some thoughts, but it's pretty much too late. I've seen issues like this in public school, Christian school, and even church. Children are allowed and even taught to be angry and lash out.

• These parent have taught the offending child to be physically aggressive or else they've known about his mental health/rebellion issues and have done nothing about it.
• Charges need to be pressed - by the parents of the child harmed. They don't have to stay at this church, but they need to tell the police.
• The church should have a sit down with the family of the child doing the harm and explain that, for now, this child will not be allowed to participate with other children in Sunday School, VBS, or other children's activities. He must be accompanied by one or both parents at all times.

The church is doing NO favors for this family by not addressing this. They can still receive the gospel and have their child restrained at the same time.

 

[AustinC]

The family and child are in sin. If they are members, the elders of the church must follow Matthew 18 and full church discipline must proceed.
God will bless the concern for holiness and obedience. The church never saves anyone so not disciplining in hopes of salvation is bad theology and worse, it is attempting to take what is God's and give it to men. Such an act reveals an even greater problem in the church than this rebellious family. It reveals a church leadership that is not God centered and faithful.
God cannot bless such treason by denying God his authority over the salvation of a human soul.
The failure of leadership will result in a weak and ineffectual local church.

In my opinion.

 

[xlsdraw]

Question. We have two families in church that don't get along too great. They are the same race but. Come from opposite sides of the track as the saying goes. One family gets easily offended and gets boo boos on their feeling about everything. That family got mad at the other family about something that happened between two of their kids at school. By all neutral accounts and by the way the school handled it, it was the fault of the kid of the family who got offended. Since then, they have brought their bitter decisive emotions to church. The other family just tries to avoid them, but the offended family makes that impossible. The offended family is always passive/aggressively prodding the other family. It all came to a head after the Sun night service. The offended families kid, who has documented anger management issues, got mad at the other families youngest kid, who is much younger and smaller than him. He put the younger kid in a Coroadid Choke and tried to choke him out. Another older kid saved him. By all neutral accounts present, the older kid was completely at fault.

Church leadership will not address this assault and battery. They are scared they will offend the family and "cause them to leave without receiving the gospel ". In my opinion leadership is cowarding out. The other family is going to leave the church because no Biblical action was taken.
Any ideas?

Your opinion is correct.

I won't sit in a church with scared or weak leadership.

The church leadership apparently doesn't trust the Holy Spirit if they fear the consequence of enforcing church discipline and maintaining order.

The aggressive family must be dealt with.

 

[Salty]

Reynolds - have you talked to the pastor and/or other leaders.
I know you mentioned that they dont want to run one family -
but does the leadership team have a valid reason for not addressing this situation.

I tend to agree with xisdraw - as he stated: "I won't sit in a church with scared or weak leadership."

So if it were me, I might consider that action. if the pastor cannot show Scripture to back up his current condition.

 

[JesusFan]

Question. We have two families in church that don't get along too great. They are the same race but. Come from opposite sides of the track as the saying goes. One family gets easily offended and gets boo boos on their feeling about everything. That family got mad at the other family about something that happened between two of their kids at school. By all neutral accounts and by the way the school handled it, it was the fault of the kid of the family who got offended. Since then, they have brought their bitter decisive emotions to church. The other family just tries to avoid them, but the offended family makes that impossible. The offended family is always passive/aggressively prodding the other family. It all came to a head after the Sun night service. The offended families kid, who has documented anger management issues, got mad at the other families youngest kid, who is much younger and smaller than him. He put the younger kid in a Coroadid Choke and tried to choke him out. Another older kid saved him. By all neutral accounts present, the older kid was completely at fault.

Church leadership will not address this assault and battery. They are scared they will offend the family and "cause them to leave without receiving the gospel ". In my opinion leadership is cowarding out. The other family is going to leave the church because no Biblical action was taken.
Any ideas?

Sounds like your biggest problem and issue is weak Church leadership!

 

[5 point Gillinist]

Question. We have two families in church that don't get along too great. They are the same race but. Come from opposite sides of the track as the saying goes. One family gets easily offended and gets boo boos on their feeling about everything. That family got mad at the other family about something that happened between two of their kids at school. By all neutral accounts and by the way the school handled it, it was the fault of the kid of the family who got offended. Since then, they have brought their bitter decisive emotions to church. The other family just tries to avoid them, but the offended family makes that impossible. The offended family is always passive/aggressively prodding the other family. It all came to a head after the Sun night service. The offended families kid, who has documented anger management issues, got mad at the other families youngest kid, who is much younger and smaller than him. He put the younger kid in a Coroadid Choke and tried to choke him out. Another older kid saved him. By all neutral accounts present, the older kid was completely at fault.

Church leadership will not address this assault and battery. They are scared they will offend the family and "cause them to leave without receiving the gospel ". In my opinion leadership is cowarding out. The other family is going to leave the church because no Biblical action was taken.
Any ideas?

Church discipline is necessary. But it is a myth in most churches. As "Servant of Lord Jesus" said this sounds like a church elder failure as well. The offended family is in sin, the other family sounds like they are doing what they can to avoid the situation. At this point the elders need to love their neighbors by enacting discipline upon the offending family rather than letting them harass the other family.
The leadership's failure to address the situation at this point makes them complicit in the sinning family's aggression.

 

[Reynolds]

Reynolds - have you talked to the pastor and/or other leaders.
I know you mentioned that they dont want to run one family -
but does the leadership team have a valid reason for not addressing this situation.

I tend to agree with xisdraw - as he stated: "I won't sit in a church with scared or weak leadership."

So if it were me, I might consider that action. if the pastor cannot show Scripture to back up his current condition.

We talked today. He wants to do the right thing but he is lacking in the courage department. He says he is going to "talk to" the offending party, but no so sure how strong his talk will be.

 

[Salty]

Thats a start - if things do not approve then according to Mat 18, then later, he should take or or 2 men with him

 

[Reynolds]

Sounds like your biggest problem and issue is weak Church leadership!

They are weak. All the old deacons left in a recent church split. We came in after the split. The church had no deacons for a year. None of the new ones have ever served as Deacon. I turned down position on Deacon board because I knew that the majority of the new deacons saw Deacon as an office of power and position instead of an office of service.

 

[Reynolds]

Thats a start - if things do not approve then according to Mat 18, then later, he should take or or 2 men with him

I agree. I told him that.
I don't think he will solve the problem. He will most likely make it worse.

 

[canadyjd]

I agree with Scarlett O, charges should be filed. This could be considered a felonious assault. If this occurred in the presence of church leadership (pastor or youth leader) there may be a mandatory reporting requirement to the police, depending on which state it is in.

No easy answer, but I guarantee you, everyone in the church knows and are waiting to see what happens.

peace to you

 

[Revmitchell]

Question. We have two families in church that don't get along too great. They are the same race but. Come from opposite sides of the track as the saying goes. One family gets easily offended and gets boo boos on their feeling about everything. That family got mad at the other family about something that happened between two of their kids at school. By all neutral accounts and by the way the school handled it, it was the fault of the kid of the family who got offended. Since then, they have brought their bitter decisive emotions to church. The other family just tries to avoid them, but the offended family makes that impossible. The offended family is always passive/aggressively prodding the other family. It all came to a head after the Sun night service. The offended families kid, who has documented anger management issues, got mad at the other families youngest kid, who is much younger and smaller than him. He put the younger kid in a Coroadid Choke and tried to choke him out. Another older kid saved him. By all neutral accounts present, the older kid was completely at fault.

Church leadership will not address this assault and battery. They are scared they will offend the family and "cause them to leave without receiving the gospel ". In my opinion leadership is cowarding out. The other family is going to leave the church because no Biblical action was taken.
Any ideas?

Scripture is clear on this. The pastors failure to lead may disqualify him. I would say the same for any other leaders. Waiting around for it to just work itself out is not going to happen.

 

[agedman]

I would volunteer to accompany the pastor, not as a participant, but as a witness. This may give him the confidence building he needs.

Should the offended family go to court, then the counsel has two witnesses to call that the church did make some small attempt to resolve the problem.

I would also suggest to the pastor that a follow-up letter be written to both families and posted that all the membership be kept appraised. That will help prevent side taking and gossip problems. No one can embellish what everyone else knows as the truth.

I agree with RevM.

 

[Bible Thumpin n Gun Totin]

We had a similar situation in our Church. My wife was good friends with 2 other women her age at Church. These other two women had a big fight over something, and it was getting nasty, mostly from 1 side.

Our Elders stepped in and told the less mature believer one that she needs to quit needling, drop the subject and that they don't want to hear any more about it as it was starting to split the Church into 2 camps. They told the more mature one that she did all she was biblically required to do in the situation and she just needed to let the other woman be.

It sounds like poor Elder leadership in your example Reynolds. It should have been nipped in the bud, and even now it needs to be smacked down. The Elder needs to do what the Bible states and talk to the main offending family. If that results in them leaving the church then they're not the kind of Christians he should want at his church.

 

[Dr. Bob]

Can only concur with the obvious issue of sinful behavior being ignored by leaders (whatever their motive for inaction is; I'm not their judge).

Fear that discipline will result in a family leaving and not hearing the Gospel? Seems like they are attending morning and night and not hearing the Gospel now anyway.

 

[agedman]

Can only concur with the obvious issue of sinful behavior being ignored by leaders (whatever their motive for inaction is; I'm not their judge).

Fear that discipline will result in a family leaving and not hearing the Gospel? Seems like they are attending morning and night and not hearing the Gospel now anyway.

Dr. Bob, I love your story of the goodbye kiss on grif.net.
It has been a few years since I last looked in at grief.net.

true story?
Are you the dad?

well told!

 

[Aaron]

Question. We have two families in church that don't get along too great. They are the same race but. Come from opposite sides of the track as the saying goes. One family gets easily offended and gets boo boos on their feeling about everything. That family got mad at the other family about something that happened between two of their kids at school. By all neutral accounts and by the way the school handled it, it was the fault of the kid of the family who got offended. Since then, they have brought their bitter decisive emotions to church. The other family just tries to avoid them, but the offended family makes that impossible. The offended family is always passive/aggressively prodding the other family. It all came to a head after the Sun night service. The offended families kid, who has documented anger management issues, got mad at the other families youngest kid, who is much younger and smaller than him. He put the younger kid in a Coroadid Choke and tried to choke him out. Another older kid saved him. By all neutral accounts present, the older kid was completely at fault.

Church leadership will not address this assault and battery. They are scared they will offend the family and "cause them to leave without receiving the gospel ". In my opinion leadership is cowarding out. The other family is going to leave the church because no Biblical action was taken.
Any ideas?

This is between the families. If they can't keep it out of the assembly, kick them both out.

 

[Salty]

This is between the families. If they can't keep it out of the assembly, kick them both out.

Good ideal - throw out the baby with the bathwater

Bible Verses about Restoration

 

[JesusFan]

Good ideal - throw out the baby with the bathwater

Bible Verses about Restoration

Do the proper steps on the guilty party first before getting to that stage!