Dealing with controlling & divisive people

[evangelist6589]

I am dating a woman that is 33 yrs old & I am 34. She is living on her own & owns a house. Her mother is quite controlling, & has an agenda to make my love guilty of loving me, and to cause division between us. I have never met her mother and dont care too. This mother will do whatever we can to cause division between us. She will read things out of context, accuse me of things I did not do, etc.. Like last night this mother told my love something about me that was completely false. This mother has an agenda no question about it. How can my love deal with a controlling person like this? How can I? Thanks..

 

[seekingthetruth]

I am dating a woman that is 33 yrs old & I am 34. She is living on her own & owns a house. Her mother is quite controlling, & has an agenda to make my love guilty of loving me, and to cause division between us. I have never met her mother and dont care too. This mother will do whatever we can to cause division between us. She will read things out of context, accuse me of things I did not do, etc.. Like last night this mother told my love something about me that was completely false. This mother has an agenda no question about it. How can my love deal with a controlling person like this? How can I? Thanks..

Doesn't EHarmony.com have a money back guarantee?

I'd just get a refund and move on.

John

 

[Oldtimer]

Since you've never met her mother, and have only met her in person one time, something to think about..... She may be the one who wants to call it quits and is using her mother as the excuse. A "gentle" way to do it is to put the blame on someone else.

On another note, if I were her mother, I'd probably be equally as concerned because of all the horror stories that have resulted from Internet dating. This isn't being said with any disrespect to you personally, as I don't know you. I'd be doing everything I could to discourage a daughter of mine from following this path.

As a Christian, if she were my daughter I'd be very disappointed in her for inviting you to her home for a weekend. Regardless of what did/didn't happen between the two of you, the implication of sin is there now and won't be easily erased.

If you were my son, I'd be looking at this from a different viewpoint. First, as a Christian, I'd be disappointed in you, as noted above. Next, I'd be telling you that you don't want to become further involved with a duo of both mother and daughter. If the mother is as controlling as you say, that won't end. You have to factor that in for the rest of her (mother's) life. Are you ready to deal with that for 30 or 40 years? Suppose circumstances force mother to move in with daughter. It happens, often, when elderly parents can no longer care for themselves.

Are you attending church regularly? If so, talk to your pastor. An online forum, no matter how concerned we are for you, comes in a distant second to talking to your pastor face to face. To ask your pastor to pray with/for you for the Holy Spirit to guide you.

If you don't attend church, please find one.

 

[freeatlast]

I am dating a woman that is 33 yrs old & I am 34. She is living on her own & owns a house. Her mother is quite controlling, & has an agenda to make my love guilty of loving me, and to cause division between us. I have never met her mother and dont care too. This mother will do whatever we can to cause division between us. She will read things out of context, accuse me of things I did not do, etc.. Like last night this mother told my love something about me that was completely false. This mother has an agenda no question about it. How can my love deal with a controlling person like this? How can I? Thanks..

You are on a slippery slope. You were warned against staying at this woman's house and you mocked at the advice. Her mother has every reason to think bad of you for dishonoring her daughters name by staying at her house even if nothing happened. I know if this was my daughter I would be upset with you as well as her.
Since you thought your way was better then previous counsel I assume you will do the same this time, 1Cor 10:12. However since you asked, here is my advise. You have dishonored this woman's daughter. You now need to humble yourself and go to the mother and apologize to her and admit your error in judgment for staying at her daughters home with no excuses or justification being made by you. If she will hear you fne, but if she will not hear you then I suggest move on.
I would point out something here. If this woman is 33 be sure she is biblically allowed to marry, not divorced. By that I do not mean preacher approved, but God/biblically approved.
Ask to meet with the mother and humble yourself and be willing to admit where you have been foolish and wrong. If that does not work then you may want to move on or expect to have a very unhappy life with her daughter because your actions.

 

[matt wade]

Well that's what you get for telling her mother that her iPhone doesn't compare to your Blackberry!

 

[evangelist6589]

Since you've never met her mother, and have only met her in person one time, something to think about..... She may be the one who wants to call it quits and is using her mother as the excuse. A "gentle" way to do it is to put the blame on someone else.

On another note, if I were her mother, I'd probably be equally as concerned because of all the horror stories that have resulted from Internet dating. This isn't being said with any disrespect to you personally, as I don't know you. I'd be doing everything I could to discourage a daughter of mine from following this path.

As a Christian, if she were my daughter I'd be very disappointed in her for inviting you to her home for a weekend. Regardless of what did/didn't happen between the two of you, the implication of sin is there now and won't be easily erased.

If you were my son, I'd be looking at this from a different viewpoint. First, as a Christian, I'd be disappointed in you, as noted above. Next, I'd be telling you that you don't want to become further involved with a duo of both mother and daughter. If the mother is as controlling as you say, that won't end. You have to factor that in for the rest of her (mother's) life. Are you ready to deal with that for 30 or 40 years? Suppose circumstances force mother to move in with daughter. It happens, often, when elderly parents can no longer care for themselves.

Are you attending church regularly? If so, talk to your pastor. An online forum, no matter how concerned we are for you, comes in a distant second to talking to your pastor face to face. To ask your pastor to pray with/for you for the Holy Spirit to guide you.

If you don't attend church, please find one.

I do not agree. There are plenty of success stories of internet dating, its just people like you dwell on negatives and are too focused on the old ways of doing things. When the Internet first got popular in the late 90's many were afraid to buy and sell online because they dwelled on horror stories and were uncomfortable. These days everyone buy's and sell's online. Internet dating is perfectly safe if using sites like eharmony, Christian Cafe, etc..

http://www.eharmony.com/success
http://www.christiancafe.com/guests/testimonials/index.jsp?

If she did not like me she would not be calling, instant messaging, nor texting me everyday. She also would not be telling me that she loves me.

 

[evangelist6589]

You are on a slippery slope. You were warned against staying at this woman's house and you mocked at the advice. Her mother has every reason to think bad of you for dishonoring her daughters name by staying at her house even if nothing happened. I know if this was my daughter I would be upset with you as well as her.
Since you thought your way was better then previous counsel I assume you will do the same this time, 1Cor 10:12. However since you asked, here is my advise. You have dishonored this woman's daughter. You now need to humble yourself and go to the mother and apologize to her and admit your error in judgment for staying at her daughters home with no excuses or justification being made by you. If she will hear you fne, but if she will not hear you then I suggest move on.
I would point out something here. If this woman is 33 be sure she is biblically allowed to marry, not divorced. By that I do not mean preacher approved, but God/biblically approved.
Ask to meet with the mother and humble yourself and be willing to admit where you have been foolish and wrong. If that does not work then you may want to move on or expect to have a very unhappy life with her daughter because your actions.

I do not agree because you are preaching legalism and not Bible. Let me ask you a question. Do you use the internet alone or do you browse in public? There was a time when using the internet alone was though to be a sin. I do not see how staying at this woman's house for a temporary time (not living with her perminately) is any differnet from browsing the web alone, or traveling with a woman to a work event. I follow Bible not tradition, and not legalism.

The appearance of evil also can focus on people that use their cell phones alone, or browse the web alone in their rooms. How do I know that someone is not looking at hardcore, and not calling 1-900 numbers? I do not.

The Bible speaks against those that live together that are not married. I am not living with her. I am living with a male roommate.

Her mother comes from a very very legalistic background. I did not grow up a Fundamentalist, I grew up in a conservative evangelical church. I follow Bible and not tradition, and not legalism.

 

[evangelist6589]

Doesn't EHarmony.com have a money back guarantee?

I'd just get a refund and move on.

John

Well we shall see.

 

[matt wade]

Maybe you can use your Way of the Master training and go open air preach at her mother?

 

[Oldtimer]

I do not agree. There are plenty of success stories of internet dating, its just people like you dwell on negatives and are too focused on the old ways of doing things. When the Internet first got popular in the late 90's many were afraid to buy and sell online because they dwelled on horror stories and were uncomfortable. These days everyone buy's and sell's online. Internet dating is perfectly safe if using sites like eharmony, Christian Cafe, etc..

Yes, that's one area we are in agreement.

I am focused on the old ways from 2,000 years ago, when my Saviour walked on this earth.

I don't look for excuses, ways to self justify what I WANT, when the Holy Spirit directs me back 2,000 years to what Christ taught us and what He expects of us.

Uhmmmm..... comparing seeking a wife to buying stuff on line.... nuff said.

 

[annsni]

I think there have been a lot of wise words spoken here but unfortunately they are falling on deaf ears. Much like a parent speaking to a rebellious teen.

 

[Mexdeaf]

evangelist6589,

I just wanted to thank you so much for all of your posts. I have copied several of them for the future to use as examples for young people of what NOT to do when pursuing relationships, jobs and so forth.

 

[evangelist6589]

evangelist6589,

I just wanted to thank you so much for all of your posts. I have copied several of them for the future to use as examples for young people of what NOT to do when pursuing relationships, jobs and so forth.

Look I follow the word of God and not tradition enough said. But regardless I was in error for asking such a question on this site. I spoke to my mother, and also spoke to my love. We have all mutually agreed not to dwell on negatives, and on people that fixate on finding faults, name call, and put tradition over scripture. We all know that her mother is like this. Elevates tradition over scripture, and has a doctrine of man made rules and regulations.

I am truly sorry for wasting everyones time on this thread. I misjudged this site and this type of a question should have not been addressed to strangers. Once again I apologize for this.

 

[convicted1]

Brother, the best advice I can give you is to take this to the Lord in prayer. I mean, searching for His face prayer. Ask Him if she is the one for you. If she is the one, you will see this through to the end. If it's not, then it will fall flat. Either way, you will find out what He says is final. FWIW, I'll be engaged in prayer for you two.

 

[evangelist6589]

Brother, the best advice I can give you is to take this to the Lord in prayer. I mean, searching for His face prayer. Ask Him if she is the one for you. If she is the one, you will see this through to the end. If it's not, then it will fall flat. Either way, you will find out what He says is final. FWIW, I'll be engaged in prayer for you two.

Thank you for your tone I appreciate it. Yes this is what my mother has said also, and what I have been on my knees praying for everyday. God will make it clear to me, or He will make it clear she is not. The evidence so far is that she is the one for me. But the Lord truly knows. What I love about her is that she is conservative in her theology and has a deep love for conservatives like David Jeremiah, Erwin Lutzer, and John MacArthur.

She grew up in a very legalistic Fundamentalist home and church. She decided that she did not want legalism but wanted Bible, and so left that legalistic church. Her mother is a part of that legalistic church and often pressures her with the pharisee teachings. She needs strength and my encouragement to stay the course and follow the Word of God and not TRADITION.

Thank you once again brother.

 

[Mexdeaf]

Look I follow the word of God and not tradition enough said. But regardless I was in error for asking such a question on this site. I spoke to my mother, and also spoke to my love. We have all mutually agreed not to dwell on negatives, and on people that fixate on finding faults, name call, and put tradition over scripture. We all know that her mother is like this. Elevates tradition over scripture, and has a doctrine of man made rules and regulations.

I am truly sorry for wasting everyones time on this thread. I misjudged this site and this type of a question should have not been addressed to strangers. Once again I apologize for this.

This is the most mature thing you have said in a long time. May you continue to grow in that direction. No need to apologize, just grow up.

I spoke a little TIC here but I was speaking the truth. To point out truth is not 'fault-finding' or dwelling on negatives.

 

[Michaelt]

Hate to say it, but if daughter hasn't disconnected mom's controlling ways at 30+ years old, it's probably not going to happen anytime soon. That should have been taken care of way back in the early/mid 20's.

 

[Tom Bryant]

I may get hit at for this, but we used to tell our teens that when they are wondering what their wife will be like to take a look at their mother. We all too often become what we most despise.

 

[freeatlast]

I do not agree. There are plenty of success stories of internet dating, its just people like you dwell on negatives and are too focused on the old ways of doing things. When the Internet first got popular in the late 90's many were afraid to buy and sell online because they dwelled on horror stories and were uncomfortable. These days everyone buy's and sell's online. Internet dating is perfectly safe if using sites like eharmony, Christian Cafe, etc..

http://www.eharmony.com/success
http://www.christiancafe.com/guests/testimonials/index.jsp?

If she did not like me she would not be calling, instant messaging, nor texting me everyday. She also would not be telling me that she loves me.

There is nothing wrong with finding a perspective mate on line, but there is with your wisdom when meeting them.

 

[Mexdeaf]

I may get hit at for this, but we used to tell our teens that when they are wondering what their wife will be like to take a look at their mother. We all too often become what we most despise.

This is true.