SaggyWoman
Active Member
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Have you ever been suicidal?
- Thread starter SaggyWoman
- Start date
Yes.
Funny thing is, I don't remember now if it was while I was in high school or just back from college. But I was very depressed and lonely.
I was raised by my grandparents, and my grandmother had Alzheimer's. My mom was off doing her thing, and I was more or less a loner/recluse.
I would be on the way home from (work? school?) and would envision unbuckling my seatbelt and crashing the car into a tree or bridge railing. I would be crying many times on these trips. Only thing that stopped me, was that it wasn't gauranteed. What if I didn't die, but wound up paralyzed? What would happen to my grandfather, with whom I lived? So on and so forth.
Some might say that the suicidal impulse wasn't real, just a reaction to the depression, but I know that the depression WAS real, and very painful.
Happily, I haven't thought of such things in a long time.
My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with this.
Funny thing is, I don't remember now if it was while I was in high school or just back from college. But I was very depressed and lonely.
I was raised by my grandparents, and my grandmother had Alzheimer's. My mom was off doing her thing, and I was more or less a loner/recluse.
I would be on the way home from (work? school?) and would envision unbuckling my seatbelt and crashing the car into a tree or bridge railing. I would be crying many times on these trips. Only thing that stopped me, was that it wasn't gauranteed. What if I didn't die, but wound up paralyzed? What would happen to my grandfather, with whom I lived? So on and so forth.
Some might say that the suicidal impulse wasn't real, just a reaction to the depression, but I know that the depression WAS real, and very painful.
Happily, I haven't thought of such things in a long time.
My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with this.
Every morning I wake up think "Darn I am still here!" :BangHead: but it's only for a second or so. Then brain comes to life as I wake, and I remember I love my family, I would miss them, they need me.
I believe I was born wanting to die, don't know any different, and still fantasize about it. Like TC2 said, the different scinereo's of dying are inviting, but knowing they are not fool proof is not comforting.
Maybe once a year, for about 24 hrs, my brain thinks I ought to die. It engulfs my mind so I have no control to deviate the thought. I lock myself in my room, have no communication with anyone, and pop a wellbutrin (so now it's not as bad) to wait it out. I pray if the thoughts allow me to comprise the words in between shouts in my brain. Sometimes I throw up. It doesn't usually last long, maybe 24 long hours, not sure why that is. I am aware I am not entertaining it, and have little control.
June 30th of this year I slid down a dam. It was a great thing. I glanced prior to slipping so I knew of the little rock sticking up. Then I rode it in a position like one would ride a waterslide (love those Cal Expo Waterslides
). I had finally gotten my wish! What a powerful feeling it was to know I had the choice to live or not. I knew I could land on the small rock I had seen, though most folks would probably disagree. To my surprise, I was really gaining speed. Those dam rocks are so polished and slippery from the constant water, and moss.
I landed perfectly on my feet on the small rock. Except quickly then my feet flew off the slippery rock above my head. I looked down and saw the huge boulders below at the bottom and knew I was gong to die. It was so peaceful, a happy feeling. But then I felt I hit my head and landed on my tailbone (my butt) perfectly on to the small rock. As I came to, I thought “No way” God what are you doing?
But then I was elated he spared me! We all shouldn't have ignored those no trespassing signs to take a quick dip in the water.
I am lucky. I believe I am not as depressed as many people. But it hasn't always been that way.
Back to the story, I should have waited for a helicopter, but that would be expensive. $22,000.00 to be exact. So I climbed out, and rode my bike to the road. We are now members of CalStar for only $25 a year. If I fall again, the helicopter ride will be free !
I believe I was born wanting to die, don't know any different, and still fantasize about it. Like TC2 said, the different scinereo's of dying are inviting, but knowing they are not fool proof is not comforting.
Maybe once a year, for about 24 hrs, my brain thinks I ought to die. It engulfs my mind so I have no control to deviate the thought. I lock myself in my room, have no communication with anyone, and pop a wellbutrin (so now it's not as bad) to wait it out. I pray if the thoughts allow me to comprise the words in between shouts in my brain. Sometimes I throw up. It doesn't usually last long, maybe 24 long hours, not sure why that is. I am aware I am not entertaining it, and have little control.
June 30th of this year I slid down a dam. It was a great thing. I glanced prior to slipping so I knew of the little rock sticking up. Then I rode it in a position like one would ride a waterslide (love those Cal Expo Waterslides
). I had finally gotten my wish! What a powerful feeling it was to know I had the choice to live or not. I knew I could land on the small rock I had seen, though most folks would probably disagree. To my surprise, I was really gaining speed. Those dam rocks are so polished and slippery from the constant water, and moss. I landed perfectly on my feet on the small rock. Except quickly then my feet flew off the slippery rock above my head. I looked down and saw the huge boulders below at the bottom and knew I was gong to die. It was so peaceful, a happy feeling. But then I felt I hit my head and landed on my tailbone (my butt) perfectly on to the small rock. As I came to, I thought “No way” God what are you doing?
But then I was elated he spared me
! We all shouldn't have ignored those no trespassing signs to take a quick dip in the water.I am lucky. I believe I am not as depressed as many people. But it hasn't always been that way.
Back to the story, I should have waited for a helicopter, but that would be expensive. $22,000.00 to be exact. So I climbed out, and rode my bike to the road. We are now members of CalStar for only $25 a year. If I fall again, the helicopter ride will be free
!
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Wow, Saggy, you do some interesting polls!
EEK!!
Actually, I became technically suicidal after my mom died years ago. I say "technically", because I didn't care if I lived or died, and drove like a maniac--but not intentionally. NOTHING "intentional"--I just didn't care.
But it was because the wrong medicine had been prescribed for me--instead of an anti-depressant, the doc had given me an anti-anxiety med....which just depressed me that much more. When my sister and my friends realized how bad I was, they did an "intervention" and that's when we realized when the problem started. I got off the med and was on my way to a normal "grief recovery" very soon thereafter.
It was a horrible experience, and I thank God every day for the wonderful circle of people He has surrounded me with. AND, I also learned during that experience that NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GOT--no matter how desperate I thought my situation was, when I got right down in the bottom of that barrel of misery--I knew that God loved me and wanted me SAFE. He was with me all the way. And it is the memory of KNOWING that He was with me THEN...that has helped me deal with the death of my husband NOW. So, God used even that horror for HIS good purpose.
EEK!!
Actually, I became technically suicidal after my mom died years ago. I say "technically", because I didn't care if I lived or died, and drove like a maniac--but not intentionally. NOTHING "intentional"--I just didn't care.
But it was because the wrong medicine had been prescribed for me--instead of an anti-depressant, the doc had given me an anti-anxiety med....which just depressed me that much more. When my sister and my friends realized how bad I was, they did an "intervention" and that's when we realized when the problem started. I got off the med and was on my way to a normal "grief recovery" very soon thereafter.
It was a horrible experience, and I thank God every day for the wonderful circle of people He has surrounded me with. AND, I also learned during that experience that NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GOT--no matter how desperate I thought my situation was, when I got right down in the bottom of that barrel of misery--I knew that God loved me and wanted me SAFE. He was with me all the way. And it is the memory of KNOWING that He was with me THEN...that has helped me deal with the death of my husband NOW. So, God used even that horror for HIS good purpose.